Please give me advice - even if that means you tell me I am wrong

[Anonymous]

I am at my wit’s end with my husband of almost 10 years. I honestly don’t know what I can say or do but we have to make a change.

The last few weeks have been especially challenging. We just got into a major fight on the way to work. I started a new position last month and we are now driving into the city together. I cannot stand the way he acts sometimes – just nasty comments about people who cross the intersection late, cars that don’t pull far enough up, he is just generally an angry driver. It puts me on edge and I react badly.

It’s not just in the car that we fight – he is just SO negative. We have always been sarcastic but it seems like he is really at a whole new level. When I try to talk to him about it he deflects and accuses me of the same thing. He definitely gives off the victim, poor me, my wife is so hard on me vibe.

And don’t even get me started on the latest convo in our house – despite being a republican all my life, I think trump is batshit crazy but my husband is a supporter. We mistakenly talked about the Orlando shooting in relation to the presidential run and that tuned ugly. I truly can’t understand why he thinks semi-automatic weapons are acceptable for people to buy!!! And he attempted to agree with Trump that Obama “probably had intelligence on it but did nothing” WHAT THE F***???????????

Here is the thing though – I don’t want a divorce – he is a good man and decent father with good intentions and strong ethics – he would never cheat, steal, lie, etc. But I just cannot stand to be around him right now. Any attempt at having a conversation turns into a full on fight. I am SO sick of it.

I really need practical advice on what to do – please help me.

[Anonymous]

Drive separate cars. Don't talk politics

[Anonymous]

I'm super dark and sarcastic but not a negative person. You don't have to be both.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I can't be together in the mornings on weekdays. It never works. So we try to avoid each other like the plague. Anytime we actually are, we fight for a week after. Stop driving together.

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist. You can't change him, you can change how you react to the parts of his personality you don't like.

A therapist can help you sort this out and focus on the things you like about him and manage the stuff that's drivind you crazy.

[Anonymous]

My husband is also an angry driver and we disagree on a lot politically (not everything, but a lot, including gun control). I'd rather he be frustrated with other drivers than our family and friends as long as he's not being aggressive, and we rarely talk politics. Works out just fine!!

[Anonymous]

Too much togetherness. My parents tried commuting together for a while and hated it.

[Anonymous]

We never, ever talk politics. We are opposite ends of the spectrum and it just turns nasty.

And yeah...stop commuting together!

[Anonymous]

My dh is like that when driving too. Not so much angry as whiny, and pedantically explaining to me other people's driving errors or how he would redesign each intersection. I just listen and appreciate him doing the stressful driving. and never try to talk about anything while he's driving in rush hour. like, don't talk at all

[Anonymous]

Why don't you try doing something together in the car that is positive. You could listen to a good podcast or radio show (like This American Life). You could make a music mix that brings you back to your college days (or whatever it is). You could do a crossword puzzle together. Anything really but talking politics and focusing on how much the DC traffic sucks. Both traffic and politics brings out the worst in anybody.

[Anonymous]

Just to reiterate: No more commuting together. No more politics.

[Anonymous]

I pay about $13/day to park at the metro station and metro in by myself even though my husband drives in and works 2 blocks from me. Totally worth it - if we were stuck in the car together we'd be divorced. The morning fights carry over into the rest of our life and it's just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

My ex was the same way. He could be very charming and funny, sarcastic as hell -- but in a good way. Then he started to get more "dark", bitter and angry. Discussions invariably led to negativity about something he disliked intensely (he even became homophobic).

It turned out that he was really questioning himself. He wasn't living life the way that he thought he should (he was sleeping with prostitutes on business trips and more crap like that).

I'm not saying that your husband is doing anything that extreme, but I am guessing that he is not a happy person right now. I'd see if you can get him to talk more about what is going on so that it doesn't drive a wedge between you.

FWIW, I am now happily divorced. Ex is still an angry man. I will not be stunned if he finally admits to himself that he is gay.

[Anonymous]

I feel you about the political stuff. Since divorcing isn't realistic, I agree with other commenters that you should just avoid talking about it.

If you must commute together, find something else to do, or ask him if you could just nap in the car while he drives, or listen to headphones, or start some sort of an educational podcast (something nonpolitical/noncontroversial), like the podcasts at iTunes University, maybe? Or delve into a new music genre.

Also, just keep remembering that his negativity is his own, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, and don't let it get to you. You don't have to respond or even really acknowledge it. That you find it irritating is your problem, so just take a deep breath and remind yourself that YOU DON'T CARE. Find some sort of an easy mantra to repeat in your head when you start feeling rage. (Like "cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese.")

Also, you can redirect with adults just as you can with kids. Bring up topics that are of interest to both of you. Be prepared in advance with something. Kill him with kindness, and maybe he'll have a little less negativity.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

When he starts complaining, turn up the music in the car as loud as it will go. Then you won't be able to hear him.