Difference of opinion on what makes a kitchen "clean"
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Anonymous
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DH and I have a division of labor that basically boils down to: he does all the cooking and clean-up after meals, and I do everything else for our two children (baths, bedtime, dressing in the mornings, making lunches, etc.). It's not inequitable and we're fine with that split. The point of this post is about the cleaning. DH is a very good cook and enjoys making fairly elaborate meals, much more elaborate than I would do. He uses tons of dishes, pots, pans, the grill, the stovetop, etc., and cleans all that up. However, there's a big BUT coming. He frequently will mess up the counters and/or the floors and then either doesn't clean them at all or does a half-ass job. Examples are, he's carving a roast chicken on a cutting board and the juices overflow the wells on the edges. He will do a lackadaisical wipe-up that generally just moves the liquid around without getting it up. Or, he cooks on the stovetop and oil spatters onto the floor, where it is then tracked through the kitchen as he moves around doing things. He doesn't even seem to notice this and does not wipe it up, leading to greasy floors. These things drive me CRAZY and so I wind up cleaning them up myself behind him, and that's the issue: I am getting very sick of doing that. I enjoy his cooking and obviously benefit, but if I had my pick, I would take simple meals that make less of a mess because I don't want to have to clean it. However, I don't have my pick because cooking is something he genuinely enjoys. It's basically his hobby. I've started to speak up about the mess and ask him directly to do a better job of cleaning. I try hard not to be passive-aggressive or overly aggressive/nagging, but he gets defensive. And I do think his standards are lower and/or sometimes he doesn't see what I see. I've pointed it out but realize that approaches nagging and controlling. I'm genuinely trying to resolve this issue without lots of tension, which is what we've had lately. Any advice for how to state the issue in a way that he will not react badly to, would be most welcome. Also, we have a housecleaner every other week. I don't want to pay for every week and frankly that wouldn't even be enough.
TL;DR version: tips for dealing with DH who has different standards for "kitchen clean" than I do, other than me cleaning behind him because I feel like that will make our division of labor unequal. |
Anonymous
| Shut up |
Anonymous
| I have the same an I just accepted that final wipedown and weekend mopping are my jobs. It waset worth a fight in an otherwise good arrangement. There are only so many hours he can spend in the kitchen without wanting a break. |
Anonymous
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greasy floors are a slip/fall risk. Chicken juice on the counter is a sanitation issue. This isn't just a question of how you prefer to load the spoons in the dishwasher, or what side of the sink to keep the sponge on.
No need to make a war about it though. Just have a sit down and discuss what it takes to get the kitchen to "all the way clean". If he's willing to do all of it, great. If he's not, offer to do the final tasks while he helps the kids brush their teeth and read a bedtime story. It's a simple conversation. |
Anonymous
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talk about biting the hands that feeds you.
be grateful he's not giving you feedback on your routine with the kids, the lunches you pack, etc. JFC |
Anonymous
| Are you serious? I would give anything for my dh to cook! |
Anonymous
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Get a different split of chores if this is creating extra work for you. In my experience, it is not worth it to try to get one spouse to clean up to the "clean" spouse's standards. We have this in the bathroom (I am the neatnik) and the study (DH is the clean one). It's just much easier for the one who cares more to make it to their specifications.
Give your DH lunch duty or a different task in order to make up the difference. Why doesn't your DH do any child care? That seems like it's not fair to your kids, who might enjoy being parented by both kids on a daily basis.... |
Anonymous
+1000 |
Anonymous
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Time for a discussion.
I admit, I hate cleaning up after my DH cooks, because he doesn't clean or put things away as he goes. It's very frustrating, but I've gotten over it. So I hear you there. But talk with DH. It is a sanitation issue. Maybe he would rather do something you normally do than clean the kitchen thoroughly. Maybe agreeing to a certain standard would work. |
Anonymous
+1 Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, OP. Really not a big deal for you to do a 2-minute wipe down once he's out of the kitchen, right? |
Anonymous
| Here is what I did. Put an ant trap outside until it had a few ants. Then mentioned to dh that I thought we were getting ants. Set out a fresh ant trap on the counter. Got up before him and swapped on the trap with ants. That produced some improvement. |
Anonymous
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industrial grade kitchen mats that can be hosed off for the floor
oil splatter screen large vegetable and meat cutting boards gallon jug of degreaser you dirty it, you clean it or take away his kitchen duties My husband cooks a lot and cleans as he goes. When he goes to shower I go over and clean what he misses. I'm OCD clean, he's regular clean. |
Anonymous
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I hear you on this, OP -- my husband also cooks and he likes to use just about every pot, pan, and dish in the kitchen. I can leave the kitchen spotless in the am and come home to a complete mess in the afternoon. Luckily the dishes/kitchen cleanup are my job, and I love doing dishes (I find it wonderful for stress release) -- so that works for me. Can you swap some chores -- for example, he continues to cook, but you do dishes and clean the kitchen? In exchange, maybe he can make lunches (since this would be consistent with cooking) and do something else like bedtime for the kids? |
Anonymous
Please don't use the phrase "all the way clean." Total toddler lecture. My wife would say exactly the same thing about me. She hates when I cook because I don't clean to her standards. Here's the problem when it comes to the conversation: my wife is actually at least as bad at cleaning as me, she just cares about different crap than I do. I leave the counters less shiny than she does, because I use a sponge to make sure stuck in grime gets picked up. She gets them mirror clean by shining them with a paper towel, but when you run your hand over them, you feel the bits of food the paper towel didn't actually remove. I dirty more pans than she does, but I clean them up. She refuses to turn the heat all the way down when she simmers so she gets carbon buildup on our pans that I have to scrub off for an hour with barkeeper's friend. She claims I leave stuff on the dining room table instead of putting it away, but she keeps an entire basket of random shit directly on our counter. She claims it is "essentials for the baby" because it contains one small bag of wipes. It also has her sunglasses, some thank you cards she never sent, various diet water squirt flavors, and some nail files. I am pretty sure these are not for the baby. She also walks into the kitchen, sees the thing I forgot to clean, and in a pique walks by eight thing she herself left out to fix the one thing I fucked up. So when she tries to explain to me that I don't understand the concept of cleaning, she kind of sounds like an asshole with no cognitive flexibility. If I being up the things I don't like, I'm changing the subject or dismissing her concerns. If I bring them up in an entirely different conversation, I am starting an argument for no reason. So instead I just clean the house to the standards I consider reasonable and let her do the same. |
Anonymous
| Some of the PPs are crazy. This is not a different cleaning standard issue. Chicken juice and grease on the floor is nasty. Clean that up. |