Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

We have a 4 month old and dh will finish next year. I sah now but I may start working again if I can find good employment. We were planning to move back to DC next year once he finishes. Dh is not excited about moving back so if I divorce before he finishes he may want to stay in the south. It's hard to think right now because I am so incredibly sad and depressed. I think my marriage problems really make it difficult to be the best mom to my son because I am constantly in tears. Dh is verbally abusive. I don't have anyone I can lean on to help me unfortunately. Presumably dh will get a good job next May and we would move. His field is in high demand ( statistics). I feel so lonely and done with this relationship. Sometimes I think I would be better off dead than dealing with dh/ depression.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your OB about PPD? I understand things may not be great with your spouse, but that would be a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry but your problems are related to your pregnancy, not your husband. Get professional help and get it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to your OB about PPD? I understand things may not be great with your spouse, but that would be a good place to start.

I have. I am on Zoloft . They are great but like my OB said "pills won't fix everything" .

[Anonymous]

She isn't being abused. She is most likely suffering depression and her perception of reality is distorted. She also isn't selfish just withdrawn into herself. She needs help. I hope she gets it. Her marriage, her baby, her non-job, all of it is just noise to her right now. She needs helps getting to a rational place and calling her names isn't going to help. Get help now. Pick up the phone and call your dr. Right now. Leave an urgent message for a return call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry but your problems are related to your pregnancy, not your husband. Get professional help and get it now.

so are you like a fly on wall at my house? how are you so sure you know my problems?

[Anonymous]

First, identify a therapist experienced with PPD ASAP.

Second, go back to work. You need to get out of the house and take a break from parenting, but more importantly you need to be able to earn a living for yourself and your child.

Even if husband's field is in high demand, he won't necessarily be able to pick and choose exactly where he wants to go - especially if he plans to stay in academia. If he gets a job somewhere you don't want to stay long-term, things could get complicated with custody. You could be stuck in a state and not able to leave to move to another state with your child once the divorce starts.

If you wanted to divorce before you had PPD, go talk to a divorce lawyer soon so that you know how to maneuver yourself over the next year.

Another reason to address PPD now is because if custody becomes an issue, you don't want your ex or the judge saying you're not functional enough to parent.

[Anonymous]

Four months post-partum is not the time to make a decision about divorce. You're essentially in the middle of a crisis, which is what parenting an infant feels like. Give it some time and see if you still feel the same way down the road, especially if this isn't something you were considering before you had the baby.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the other posters. I am not trying to discount some very real concerns you have, but you sound severely depressed and are not making good life decisions right now. Plus your husband is trying to finish a phd and be a good father and look for a job and then plan a move. There are real reasons to think that both of you will be very different people 18 months from now than you are right now. Focus on getting yourself short term help and then figure out if a divorce still makes sense and how to plan it out.

[Anonymous]

I'd get myself in order and prep for anything. You have a year to do it.

I will say that things change dramatically after you get your doctorate. There's nothing like the morning after your defense, when you realize you are not a student anymore. Everything changes. You may want to leave room for an improvement. Future employment and all the comfort that brings, the move to DC and all that it could mean for you.

You have a newborn. Take care of yourself so that you are better able to handle this last year of the Ph.D. and are ready to embrace whatever comes next.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.

[Anonymous]

Have you posted before? Your story sounds very familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you posted before? Your story sounds very familiar.

No I have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd get myself in order and prep for anything. You have a year to do it.

I will say that things change dramatically after you get your doctorate. There's nothing like the morning after your defense, when you realize you are not a student anymore. Everything changes. You may want to leave room for an improvement. Future employment and all the comfort that brings, the move to DC and all that it could mean for you.

You have a newborn. Take care of yourself so that you are better able to handle this last year of the Ph.D. and are ready to embrace whatever comes next.

Thank you. I am going to look for employment asap.

[Anonymous]

I don't think starting anything right now is a good idea. Stress has a terrible impact on depression and even trying to find a job is not easy. Give yourself time to equalize before you make any major changes in your life.