Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Op here: I've decided for now I need to leave the relationship emotionally ( no socializing, sex, asking for help). It is not ideal, but detaching in this way I think will help me to feel more mentally organized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I've decided for now I need to leave the relationship emotionally ( no socializing, sex, asking for help). It is not ideal, but detaching in this way I think will help me to feel more mentally organized.

And I am going to continue sleeping in the guest room. I've been doing this for a week now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't being abused. She is most likely suffering depression and her perception of reality is distorted. She also isn't selfish just withdrawn into herself. She needs help. I hope she gets it. Her marriage, her baby, her non-job, all of it is just noise to her right now. She needs helps getting to a rational place and calling her names isn't going to help. Get help now. Pick up the phone and call your dr. Right now. Leave an urgent message for a return call.

And you know this how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I've decided for now I need to leave the relationship emotionally ( no socializing, sex, asking for help). It is not ideal, but detaching in this way I think will help me to feel more mentally organized.

And I am going to continue sleeping in the guest room. I've been doing this for a week now.

Do you take breaks and get regular exercise?
Drop the baby at the gym babysitting service each day?

Do you have friends that you get together with regularly?

Can you give some examples of DH being verbally abusive?

[Anonymous]

What is an example of his abuse?

[Anonymous]

I agree with other posters that this doesn't seem like the right time to get divorced. I say this as someone who got divorced myself while a PhD student and mother to a very young child. In my case there was very serious physical abuse, in addition to other issues. When you say he's verbally abusive, what kinds of things are we talking about? At the very least, you should try counseling for yourself and joint counseling before throwing in the towel.

Ditto the going back to work.

Presumably you married him knowing that he'd be a PhD student and would need to relocate eventually. This will have serious repercussions for your divorce and custody, as well as your child's relationship with both parents. Think very carefully about short term gratification versus long term negative consequences.

OP, you do sound miserable and I hope something changes for you. I just don't think that from what you've posted a divorce is the solution to your unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I agree with the PPs that 4 months post partum isn't a good time to make decisions. Glad to hear you're taking Zoloft but I think you'd be helped by an individual counselor. Clearly, you're struggling and it really helps to have an experience, impartial 3rd party to talk to. Whether you stay or go, she can help you organize your thoughts, set goals, get perspective and help you get to where you need to be - not much different than a personal trainer. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I had horrible PPD and my husband was a total jackass the first year of my child's life. He does not do well with life disruptions and he needs sleep. Not an excuse, but it did get better once I hit my stride and the baby started sleeping through the night.

I talked to a family law attorney while I was still on maternity leave. She gave me things to do to start getting ready for divorce, but urged me to wait it out for a year, to make sure it was what I really wanted. She was a great attorney.

Withdrawing from him is not going to make it better. I am not going to say force yourself to have sex with him, but don't intentionally withdraw and give him the silent treatment.

If you SAH, and he is getting a PhD, how are you supporting yourselves? I bet new baby+PhD program+tight money+wife with PPD is stressful with him. And I know new baby+PPD is no picnic for you either.

Is he truly abusive, or is he being short tempered and saying things you don't want to hear right now? Can you give examples of the abuse? Is he open to counseling?

Also you may need your medication adjusted. Zoloft worked immediately for me, but it can take longer with others. And don't just rely on the Zoloft. Take walks with the baby for exercise and sunshine. Ask you DH to stay with the baby so you can get a pedicure or go to the gym or go grocery shopping by yourself or meet up with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.

OP don't listen to the people trying to gaslight you. If you know, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I've decided for now I need to leave the relationship emotionally ( no socializing, sex, asking for help). It is not ideal, but detaching in this way I think will help me to feel more mentally organized.

And I am going to continue sleeping in the guest room. I've been doing this for a week now.

Do you take breaks and get regular exercise?
Drop the baby at the gym babysitting service each day?

Do you have friends that you get together with regularly?

Can you give some examples of DH being verbally abusive?

OP doesn't have to prove she is being abused! When you are in a bad situation, going to the gym is not going to solve it.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need to prove it, but reality is a little skewed in the first six months postpartum, especially with PPD.

It would be a shame to break up her family over what turns out to be her husband being a sleep-deprived jackass, and her being hormonal and sensitive. People are trying to gauge what's actually going on.

[Anonymous]

Define "verbally abusive", please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.

OP don't listen to the people trying to gaslight you. If you know, you know.

I do know. He's anger is out of control. He yells, screams AND throws things. He's blocked me from trying to leave the house. He called me a horrible mom and a few weeks after birth because our son is colicky. We haven't sat down to watch a tv show or have a meal together in many many months. He's studying or working 247 and then he goes to church. He treats me badly but then goes to church regularly. I do go to the gym and I realize that I don't have any hope for my marriage. I'm only 28 and I think it may be better to divorce know while I am young. We fight in front of the baby and then he crys. It's really bad. My husband started throwing things and having angry outbursts while I was pregnant. I really really struggled with getting an abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.

OP don't listen to the people trying to gaslight you. If you know, you know.

I do know. He's anger is out of control. He yells, screams AND throws things. He's blocked me from trying to leave the house. He called me a horrible mom and a few weeks after birth because our son is colicky. We haven't sat down to watch a tv show or have a meal together in many many months. He's studying or working 247 and then he goes to church. He treats me badly but then goes to church regularly. I do go to the gym and I realize that I don't have any hope for my marriage. I'm only 28 and I think it may be better to divorce know while I am young. We fight in front of the baby and then he crys. It's really bad. My husband started throwing things and having angry outbursts while I was pregnant. I really really struggled with getting an abortion.

I'm so sorry. You shouldn't handle this alone. You need a counselor, your old friends, your relatives. Could you get someone to come stay with you for a while?

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you can to give it time. Having a small baby AND doing a PhD are both extremely difficulty (I've done both). Your marriage is not a priority for either of you right now which is not ideal, but just the way it's going to have to be. Stay married. Wait it out. Focus on yourself. Ignore your dh's bs as much as possible. Encourage him to be supportive and helpful. Try to do things YOU enjoy.