Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can to give it time. Having a small baby AND doing a PhD are both extremely difficulty (I've done both). Your marriage is not a priority for either of you right now which is not ideal, but just the way it's going to have to be. Stay married. Wait it out. Focus on yourself. Ignore your dh's bs as much as possible. Encourage him to be supportive and helpful. Try to do things YOU enjoy.

+1. This is not to excuse his behavior, but having a newborn in the house AND trying to complete a PhD are not only extremely difficult, but extremely stressful. The first year of a baby's life is actually one of the most stressful times for many couples and often the period that tears marriages apart. If you can hold out for until your infant starts sleeping through the night, you may actually find that the stress will ease on both of you. Once you both aren't just hanging on emotionally maybe he will settle down enough for you to get couples counseling and have it actually help. Right now, anything, including counseling will probably be the straw that breaks the camel's back and push things past the point of no return.

Good luck. I'm a guy, but I believe that your husband is overstressed to the point of being abusive to you. For both your sakes, I hope you can survive to the point where you both can successfully seek counseling and therapy and find a way back. No one can guarantee it will work, but there is a chance that it can. Otherwise, it's a very hard road to be divorced parents of a young child with one trying to complete advance post-grad studies and the other being a SAHP.

[Anonymous]

I made excuses for my husband being verbally abusive during his PhD. Then it was during his job hunt. Then it was while he was in his probationary period at his new job. Then as we had kids. It never got better, and in fact only escalated to physical abuse.

OP, you should have a consultation with a lawyer, and see a therapist who has dealt with abusive relationships. Don't wait as long as I did. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Phd and a kid.... Add divorce and you have quite a trifecta.

unfortunately if you divorce you are stuck with your ex spouse so how you exit will be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I have a job interview set up for Friday. I'm so excited to start working again. Being with a colicky baby is so hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. And sorry people are trying to make you justify it.

Here's one piece of advice - go to a legal clinic (or see a lawyer if you have the money) for a consult. Find out your options. One thing jumped out at me - I don't think you're happy in the area where you are now and I don't think you have any support? It's likely your husband will have to move after the PhD?

I think you need to think very carefully about your options, especially custody. Does it make sense to move with your husband to an area that works for you, then divorce? That way you're semi-anchored in a good spot. But if your husband get a job in a terrible place, you probably don't want to move and get divorced there. If you share custody 50/50 (presumptive in many many jurisdictions), and you decide you want to move, you may not be allowed by the court to move - or you can move, but you'd lose custody. The same goes for your husband.

but a lot is really dependent on local laws. So find out for sure what is going on.

Second - call an abused woman's hotline. Find some support - maybe there is a local support group or just low cost counseling you can get. (I'm assuming low cost because PhD students don't pull in the big bucks).

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. And sorry people are trying to make you justify it.

Here's one piece of advice - go to a legal clinic (or see a lawyer if you have the money) for a consult. Find out your options. One thing jumped out at me - I don't think you're happy in the area where you are now and I don't think you have any support? It's likely your husband will have to move after the PhD?

I think you need to think very carefully about your options, especially custody. Does it make sense to move with your husband to an area that works for you, then divorce? That way you're semi-anchored in a good spot. But if your husband get a job in a terrible place, you probably don't want to move and get divorced there. If you share custody 50/50 (presumptive in many many jurisdictions), and you decide you want to move, you may not be allowed by the court to move - or you can move, but you'd lose custody. The same goes for your husband.

but a lot is really dependent on local laws. So find out for sure what is going on.

Second - call an abused woman's hotline. Find some support - maybe there is a local support group or just low cost counseling you can get. (I'm assuming low cost because PhD students don't pull in the big bucks).

good luck.

We will definitely have to move after he finishes. Ideally we would move back to dc. It would be so much easier for me to find better employment in DC and I have more family/ friend support there. My close friend here recently moved to Europe. I'm so tired of walking on eggs shells with dh. I barely eat or drink anything because I'm so stressed out and depressed. I don't have hope for the marriage to going on much longer. I never ever thought I would say these things but such is life. At least I live in a country where there are options.

[Anonymous]

When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

[Anonymous]

Wait until he is making as much money as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

OK.... well that is called burying the lead! If that is the case... then why didn't you state that in the very first post? That is a VERY different situation. Your question shouldn't be do I wait until he graduates.... your question should have been... police involved because my husbands anger is out of control should I leave? That isn't what you posted.... you talked about crying all the time and 4 month old baby. Your story isn't consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

OK.... well that is called burying the lead! If that is the case... then why didn't you state that in the very first post? That is a VERY different situation. Your question shouldn't be do I wait until he graduates.... your question should have been... police involved because my husbands anger is out of control should I leave? That isn't what you posted.... you talked about crying all the time and 4 month old baby. Your story isn't consistent.

I posted about the abuse in other posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

PP here. I shared my personal experience with you and provided my perspective. I was not dismissive, mean or provocative in any way. Is there a reason why you decided to come at me by (1) dismissing my truthful summary of my experience and (2) implying that I'm abusive? It doesn't sound like you want to hear honest opinion about your situation. It sounds like what you want is echo chamber. I'm saying that with the best of intentions. You really should consider the PPD aspect of your situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm calling troll. Every response is met with a nuanced reason why OP is right and there is no other option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four months post-partum is not the time to make a decision about divorce. You're essentially in the middle of a crisis, which is what parenting an infant feels like. Give it some time and see if you still feel the same way down the road, especially if this isn't something you were considering before you had the baby.

Keep treating the PPD too.

[Anonymous]

Op here: thanks for the helpful advice. I'm going to stop reading this because I don't want to stress myself out more and I need to prepare for my interview. I printed out some of the responses from earlier to give me some encouragement. Thanks!!