Hit the year mark TTC and just starting to feel like I am entering the "dark period" - advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm not exactly to ART yet, but can't bear to go to the TTC board anymore. I've had two losses - one ectopic with tube removal and one miscarriage that may have been ectopic, but was too early to see on the ultrasound. I thought I was handling everything pretty well. We have been to the RE, but decided to keep trying on our own for a few more months before we go further down the treatment road (various reasons, but mainly because I had a clear hsg in the one tube I have).We'll go back to the RE late summer/early fall. I'm late 30s. I had been doing well and had generally remained hopeful and positive... until the past two months of BFNs. I'm starting to feel so sad, disappointed, frustrated and angry. I really don't want to be angry. I have trouble seeing pregnancy announcements on Facebook and I don't feel happy for my pregnant friends, even though I know it's not their fault I'm going through this. Advice on how to cope with these feelings? I wish I could just shut them off.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your losses, but Late 30's, history of ectopics, and one tube... Girl, get thee to the RE! Your ttc unassisted days are likely over. I am 41 now and wish, wish, wish I had started treatments at 38 or 39.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I also have "graduated" from the TTC board to the infertility board and feel similarly to you. I am struggling with secondary infertility and I have a 2 year old who I got pregnant with on the first try. Now it's been 15 months of TTC for baby #2 and I cannot get pregnant, not even a chemical pregnancy. We have perfect timing and use OPKs each month and have not missed a single month. My infertility testing showed nothing wrong. I am still in the disbelief stage, as in how did I get pregnant on the first try the first time and now I cannot seem to get pregnant again? I'm also in the anger stage. I am seeing a therapist which is helpful. Also would like to join a support group.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. After over a year of TTC with one miscarriage and trying everything, I started going regularly to acupuncture to see if that would help. It definitely made me feel better and might bring you comfort, but eventually even the acupuncturist recommended going to the RE. It was a tough leap to take, but I'm glad we did it. We were lucky that IVF took the first try (and I'm positive it was because I continued with the acupuncture).

I know all the feelings you are going through and how hard it is. But I agree with PP that you might want to take the leap and get to the RE. The whole process takes a bit of time and take it from me, we aren't getting any younger. My retrieval was done right before my 40th birthday and I wish I had done it sooner.

Hang in there and good luck. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your losses, but Late 30's, history of ectopics, and one tube... Girl, get thee to the RE! Your ttc unassisted days are likely over. I am 41 now and wish, wish, wish I had started treatments at 38 or 39.

OP here - Your comment prompted me to make an appointment for July, so thank you. I do have an RE already and I've been through the testing, but then got pregnant earlier this year with the miscarriage/possible 2nd ectopic and hadn't gone back largely due to hope that the pregnancy actually made it to my uterus. I definitely don't want to have regrets for not going in soon enough and I definitely don't want to have another ectopic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your losses, but Late 30's, history of ectopics, and one tube... Girl, get thee to the RE! Your ttc unassisted days are likely over. I am 41 now and wish, wish, wish I had started treatments at 38 or 39.

OP here - Your comment prompted me to make an appointment for July, so thank you. I do have an RE already and I've been through the testing, but then got pregnant earlier this year with the miscarriage/possible 2nd ectopic and hadn't gone back largely due to hope that the pregnancy actually made it to my uterus. I definitely don't want to have regrets for not going in soon enough and I definitely don't want to have another ectopic.

I was going to post the same as the PP. I dragged my feet on treatments, even when it became obvious that IVF was our best route, because I was scared and sad and angry. I really wish I hadn't done that.

Good luck, OP! I hope that your appointment in July gives you some hope!

[Anonymous]

OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

you're getting ahead of yourself. you need to get your day 3 testing done and figure out what's going on. make sure you go to an RE (not OB) and get your partner's SA done as well. It could be an easy fix with clomid or fermara TI or IUI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

As I sit in the hospital waiting for my wife to get out of her second D&C in six months, I can tell you that it could quite possibly get worse. IVF failure is a gutting, cruel feeling.

We have one healthy son who is 3. Thank God for him. But my wife has also gone through six IVF cycles. She has been pregnant four times. We TFMR once, and she had two miscarriages.

Infertility is an ugly, painful bitch. It can be indiscriminately cruel and that's the awful part. You could get lucky, as we did with our first child, and go through one cycle, get your BFP, and have a non eventful pregnancy. Or you could deal with emotional heartache for years, in addition to pouring lots of time, money, and emotional energy into it. So there are no guarantees that it'll be smooth sailing. All you can do is take it one day at a time and go until your resolve and strength is spent, but hopefully you'll end up with a baby before that happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

Yes, failure after IVF is devastating, but I kept reminding myself that I was doing everything I could do to get pregnant, so I didn't have the added fear of regret.

[Anonymous]

So I'm going to nudge you to go back to the RE as well. In your late 30s, every month matters. Hopefully your first IVF goes well and you don't look back. But if it doesn't, I think one of the most common refrains is women who wished they'd started earlier because it took longer than they thought it would to work.

It took me 2.5 years to get, and stay, pregnant. The second year and half was the hardest, darkest, toughest time of my life.

It's ok to feel a bit angry, a bit jealous, a bit upset. The key is to not let it consume you. Work hard at finding happiness for your friends who have babies. It's worth it. I sometimes had to dig deep and fake a smile through pregnancies that came at a hard time for me. But it's what you do for your friends. Once the babies were born, it was easier to be loving towards an actual child so I found it was easier to be genuinely happy. Pregnancy was hard to watch though. Try to remember that other people getting pregnant has nothing to do with you. It's their lives, and they are living it. Yes, it might cause you some pain, but that's yours to deal with. Stay strong, be gentle with yourself. And most of all: good luck!

[Anonymous]

Really sorry OP. Hope the RE does the trick.

Try not to let the IVF fear defeat you. I was totally there after a year of TTC and nary a positive test and the only thing it did was destroy my mental health. You really don't know whether you will end up needing IVF or whether something like Femara or Clomid with an IUI could be the fix. The fear of the unknown is so awful, but it helped me to go to the RE and know I was doing everything I can to get pregnant and take control of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

you're getting ahead of yourself. you need to get your day 3 testing done and figure out what's going on. make sure you go to an RE (not OB) and get your partner's SA done as well. It could be an easy fix with clomid or fermara TI or IUI.

OP here - Believe me, I'm not ahead of myself. I already have an RE and I've had 3 day testing done. My numbers were in normal range for my age. As far as we know, the issue is my (one) tube and endometriosis. My risk of ectopic is high and fertility drugs and IUIs are not going to help me in that department. It's about getting around the tubes. I wish there were a simple answer for me, but unfortunately the RE we talked to in January couldn't come up with one. His recommendation was a freeze all cycle with PGS.

[Anonymous]

So sorry - OP, it wasn't clear from your initial post (or maybe I read too fast) but if you've never carried a pregnancy to term you should get started with ART/RE very soon. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - Question for you that took the dive and went for IVF. I know how disappointed I feel each month when I get a negative pregnancy test. I have a huge fear that I am going to go through IVF and all it entails (procedures, huge sums of cash) and it's going to fail and I will feel the disappointment I feel now, but magnified by 1000. I think that is part of my dragging my feet. The fear of IVF failure and what that would feel like.

As I sit in the hospital waiting for my wife to get out of her second D&C in six months, I can tell you that it could quite possibly get worse. IVF failure is a gutting, cruel feeling.

We have one healthy son who is 3. Thank God for him. But my wife has also gone through six IVF cycles. She has been pregnant four times. We TFMR once, and she had two miscarriages.

Infertility is an ugly, painful bitch. It can be indiscriminately cruel and that's the awful part. You could get lucky, as we did with our first child, and go through one cycle, get your BFP, and have a non eventful pregnancy. Or you could deal with emotional heartache for years, in addition to pouring lots of time, money, and emotional energy into it. So there are no guarantees that it'll be smooth sailing. All you can do is take it one day at a time and go until your resolve and strength is spent, but hopefully you'll end up with a baby before that happens.

OP here - I am so sorry. My two losses were within a six month period. They weren't the result of IVF, though, and I'm sure that makes them worse. I don't know what else to say except that I'm sorry and I wish you the strength to move forward from this.