univited and too many overnight houseguest.

[Anonymous]

My mom lives 5 hours away and whenever she comes to visit she always bring uninvited guests with her. I have one spare bedroom in the basement with a TV room, play room , bathroom, seperate sitting room. Last thanksgiving she came with my stepdad in addition to her grandkids, half sister and her husband that we have never meet before. Last Thanksgiving there were 11 overnight guest in my basement. A few months before that she brought up 2 other relatives. This has been going on forever and it's draining because most times I don't want extra guests. I have even mentioned it to her . She assumes that because a person isnt a stranger to her that they are welcomed. She once brung with her my brother girlfriend who was at the time a former unsure if active drug user with no permission. She assumes because she is comfortable with a person that we will be. She a minister and feel that no one should be shunned. I now have a 2.5 yr old and I hate for univited strangers to me to be in my house. When my small family travels we always stay in a hotel because we like our space. She is coming to visit in two weeks and I know at the last minute she will bring uninvited guests. I'm curious does this happen in other families and if so how do you handle this. I sometimes plan meet up locations to avoid having so many houseguests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives 5 hours away and whenever she comes to visit she always bring uninvited guests with her. I have one spare bedroom in the basement with a TV room, play room , bathroom, seperate sitting room. Last thanksgiving she came with my stepdad in addition to her grandkids, half sister and her husband that we have never meet before. Last Thanksgiving there were 11 overnight guest in my basement. A few months before that she brought up 2 other relatives. This has been going on forever and it's draining because most times I don't want extra guests. I have even mentioned it to her . She assumes that because a person isnt a stranger to her that they are welcomed. She once brung with her my brother girlfriend who was at the time a former unsure if active drug user with no permission. She assumes because she is comfortable with a person that we will be. She a minister and feel that no one should be shunned. I now have a 2.5 yr old and I hate for univited strangers to me to be in my house. When my small family travels we always stay in a hotel because we like our space. She is coming to visit in two weeks and I know at the last minute she will bring uninvited guests. I'm curious does this happen in other families and if so how do you handle this. I sometimes plan meet up locations to avoid having so many houseguests.

Wow, that is a large basement- It sounds like a two bedroom apartment.

[Anonymous]

You need to be VERY clear with her. Don't let her get you off track.

"Mom, I can't wait to see you (and stepdad) this holiday. But there is no way I can accommodate any other guests. I know you like to include other people, but I am not comfortable with this. Please do not invite anyone else."

If she presses you further you say, "If others are planning show up, I will gladly make a reservation for them at the local holiday inn."

[Anonymous]

This is so my life except that I am too cheap to stay in a hotel so I stay at their houses with people I never met before in addition to them bringing people I never met before to my house. I guess I roll with it better than you. And I have to admit to admiring people who are so inclusive and giving. I'm not other than by participation. Oh and both sides of our families are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be VERY clear with her. Don't let her get you off track.

"Mom, I can't wait to see you (and stepdad) this holiday. But there is no way I can accommodate any other guests. I know you like to include other people, but I am not comfortable with this. Please do not invite anyone else."

If she presses you further you say, "If others are planning show up, I will gladly make a reservation for them at the local holiday inn."

OP, you have to do this. Be very up front with her. Have you tried that in the past and she just wouldn't listen? Even if you have, you need to do it now. I would be sure to tell her both verbally and in an e-mail, if she does e-mail (or text). The wording by the PP above is great.

If you tell your mom this, and she argues or fusses or worse, says you're not showing the proper religious kindness or whatever, you need to stay cool but very firm. "Mom, I know that you feel that my NOT wanting extra guests is somehow not inclusive, but this is our home, and we have a young child now and I am not comfortable with hosting people I don't know. The fact that you are comfortable with them is fine but does not translate into MY having to be comfortable with people who are strangers to me. I hope you can understand. I am glad to have you and stepdad stay in the house but please do not bring anyone else with you. If someone else does come anyway, I will give them numbers for the local hotels. I want to spend time with you and have grandchild spend time with you."

Your mom is using the fact that she's a minister to guilt you into letting HER friends and relations stay with you. It's just amazing to me that she turns up from five hours away toting people you didn't know were coming-- how can you possibly have enough beds ready or enough food in the house, etc.? It's simply rude in the extreme but she will never see that, so smile and put on your sweetest voice when you tell her no extra guests, and stick to your guns if someone else turns up at the door with her. She's going to do the whole "Oh, I just knew that once you saw fifth-cousin Sally was with us, you'd let her stay!" with a big grin but you have to say, "Hi, Sally. I'm sorry but we don't have a bed for you this weekend since mom did not tell me you were coming. Here's my phone and I've just dialed the Holiday Inn a half mile from here." When mom huffs and puffs about how she knows you have X bedrooms or a roll-out bed or whatever, say, "Sorry, mom, but the rollout isn't an option/the second guest room is full of stuff right now/whatever."

Your mom will guilt you like mad or get angry. Be READY for that, OP, and be ready to have her storm off or accuse you of being a horrible person. Just be prepared with what you'll say and do. Don't cave.

[Anonymous]

Op, her feelings have no more power than yours. Use your God-given brain.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I've never experienced thus with family or friends and I would never bring an uninvited family/friend to someone else's house w/out first asking. You need to be blunt w/ her that it's not acceptable to you unless they ask first and you approve.

[Anonymous]

OP Thanks for the responses. I wrote a email a few weeks ago but decided not to send it. I'm going to stand firm because now we have a child. I can't tell you how many times she shows up and we don't even know whose with her until we open the door. She is last minute and sometimes decide the day of or the day before that they are coming up.I always felt it was rude but thought that it could be me since I'm an introvert. Sometimes I make plans away from home so that we are not available for guests.

[doodlebug]

This would drive me completely nuts. But then I'm an introvert like you. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to know who's sleeping in your home and has access to your child (and you while you're sleeping and vulnerable.) It's insane to expect someone to just host random people overnight!

[Anonymous]

If my inlaws did this DH and I would shut it down immediately. No, people do not just show up with other people at our house. Your mother does it to you because you're a pushover. If she showed up at our house with an entourage we'd pull her aside and say "Mom, we told you when we talked about you coming that you could not bring people here. I don't care that you know them - WE do not, and it's our house. You can invite whoever you want to YOUR house, NOT ours." And then we'd go tell the people "I'm sorry - it seems there may have been a misunderstanding, but we can't host you. You're welcome to stay for drinks/dinner but we've only agreed to DH's mom as an overnight guest. If you'd like we'd be happy to get you the name of a couple of local hotels."

And then we'd stand there staring at them while they made an immediate decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be VERY clear with her. Don't let her get you off track.

"Mom, I can't wait to see you (and stepdad) this holiday. But there is no way I can accommodate any other guests. I know you like to include other people, but I am not comfortable with this. Please do not invite anyone else."

If she presses you further you say, "If others are planning show up, I will gladly make a reservation for them at the local holiday inn."

This. To avoid the awkwardness at the door of her bringing extra guests I would be clear with her that they will not be staying and when she's on the doorstep I'd happy say "nice to meet you- where are you staying- do you need a ride to the hotel?"

Just because she's a minister doesn't mean she isn't a dick.