How did you talk to your tween DD re: sex, etc.?

[Anonymous]

I'm not referring to the mechanics of sex; hopefully all kids by this age have learned about that. I'd like to know how other parents handled the discussion of when sex is appropriate for your families, and your morals.

My daughter is only 11, but she surprised me yesterday by asking how old I was when I first had sex. I was caught off-guard and really didn't want to discuss my own sexual experiences with her right now; maybe when she's a little older. But I wish I had been prepared with what I really wanted to say, which was that she should be much older and in a long term relationship with someone she loves - and who loves her. This person should be loyal, kind, and only have her best interests at heart. She should never be afraid to say no, and if the other person is upset by that, then it's the wrong person.

She should also be emotionally mature enough to plan on having safe sex, always.

Even saying all of that, how many of us actually met all those criteria for our first time? I came fairly close - waited until college, was with a long term boyfriend, was safe, etc. But he still turned out to be a scumbag...and I subsequently made some pretty awful choices until I met my now husband. How much of your own life choices did you share with your young kids when they asked? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My DD has been told in college. She's now 13 and judging by her maturity level I think college is when she'll be ready.

Nothing wrong with a fun one night stand as long as everyone is consenting and using protection.

[Anonymous]

I discuss risk/benefits of sex, including social and emotional aspects. I want her to be comfortable being herself. If I've done my job as a parent, I'm not going to have to direct her sex life. She will make those decisions on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has been told in college. She's now 13 and judging by her maturity level I think college is when she'll be ready.

Nothing wrong with a fun one night stand as long as everyone is consenting and using protection.

Sure, but is this what you tell your 13 y.o. daughter?

[Anonymous]

OP I think you handled it really well. I think the details about the scumbags should be kept out of it. They need to have hope, after all.

[Anonymous]

I haven't told my kids the details but I have told them I waited until I was in college and in a long term relationship. And, it wasn't just a single conversation, I talk a lot about sex/drugs and have since they were young. They usually don't want to have a conversation (they just listen while pretending to ignore me) but they've also expressed shock about how little some of their friends know and how little their parents tell them.

I don't know if I'll every tell them how much fun a ONS can be or how sometimes you just need a good fuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has been told in college. She's now 13 and judging by her maturity level I think college is when she'll be ready.

Nothing wrong with a fun one night stand as long as everyone is consenting and using protection.

Sure, but is this what you tell your 13 y.o. daughter?

NP here, and while I wouldn't use those exact words that is pretty close to the general message I try to convey when discussing sex with my kids once they were tweens and older. DD4 still knows only the basics, but with DDs 13, 21, and 23 I basically went with some form of

Sex is an intense form of physical and emotional intimacy (details are given as seemed appropriate for each child in each conversation, following their lead, though I doubt it's necessary to get into detail on this forum). Many people enjoy it and find it fun and/or fulfilling, however by no means is everyone nearly as experienced as teens and young adults are likely to let on that they are, nor is sex at all necessary in a loving relationship or even in life at all.

Sex should take place in a context of freely given, fully informed, competent (both legally and practically) consent by all participants. Any sexual situations that meet these criteria are perfectly fine, and there is nothing wrong with any sex that was risk-aware, consensual, and left all parties involved feeling good about the outcome of the encounter. (I think this is basically the PP's comment just phrased differently).

Ideally, sexual encounters would be with someone that you trust, it's often nicer if your partner is someone with whom you have some manner of emotional connection, but at the very least anyone you have sex with should be someone whose boundaries you want to and are able to respect and are comfortable that they will in return respect you and yours.

A thorough discussion of cultural, legal, and moral attitudes about sex (as appropriate to each DD's understanding and interest at the time)

I generally tried to save this for when DDs were older teens, but: As is a general belief in our family, legal and moral do not always align. Where our morals are more restrictive than the law, obviously I expect everyone to behave ethically. Where the law is more restrictive than our moral values is an incredibly difficult gray area, and while I generally expect compliance with the law (almost completely during the time that the kids are minors whose actions would impact more than just themselves), as long as everyone is being treated ethically I would not expect anyone to ever sacrifice their moral convictions regarding what is right as long as it is an informed choice for which they are prepared to face the possible consequences. (This came up with oldest DD in the context that we are both aware that certain states still prohibit certain sexual acts in private between two consenting adults... and we firmly disagree with this. Came up again when a cousin was considering trying to marry her girlfriend in a country that recognized same-sex marriage before the U.S. did and then attempting to get that recognized here. The Supreme Court decision ended the need to consider that course of action).

As far as whether to share details about my own history, I certainly shared about my basic experiences, development, attitudes, thoughts & feelings. Personal experiences sometimes where helpful, like when I was explaining whether something would or would not hurt. However, I strongly believe, and taught the kids, that consensual sexual intimacy is generally considered private amongst the people involved, unless there is agreement between them that it is okay to talk about (and to what extent), so it is not very ethical or respectful to "kiss and tell" as they say, unless something went wrong that made the situation sexual assault rather than rape, consulting someone else is necessary for health or future informed consent, or everyone involved in the sex is alright with it being discussed in whatever way it is about to be discussed. Pursuant to this deeply-held belief, I explain to my daughters that there will be limits on how much of my personal experiences I will share based on my comfort level and what my partner's consent would be but that they can feel free to ask anything and I will answer with as much detail as they want and I deem appropriate. In practice, this meant they would mostly ask general questions, occasionally want specifics that they sometimes found embarrassing, and emphatically never want to hear about any intimate activities between their parents except in the most general terms.

[Anonymous]

editing post 2149 because of a bad copy-paste job:

3rd sentence of my last paragraph should say

"... it is not very ethical or respectful to "kiss and tell" as they say, unless something went wrong that made the situation sexual assault or rape rather than consensual sex , consulting someone else is necessary for health or future informed consent, or everyone involved in the sex is alright with it being discussed in whatever way it is about to be discussed. "

Sorry for the confusing first post.

[Anonymous]

We've been streaming Friends episodes on Netflix and watching together. It turns out the show presents a really good example of a healthy dating/living together situation in my opinion (Monica and Chandler). Also a ton of sexual and relationship topics have come up and we just discuss them when they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't told my kids the details but I have told them I waited until I was in college and in a long term relationship. And, it wasn't just a single conversation, I talk a lot about sex/drugs and have since they were young. They usually don't want to have a conversation (they just listen while pretending to ignore me) but they've also expressed shock about how little some of their friends know and how little their parents tell them.

I don't know if I'll every tell them how much fun a ONS can be or how sometimes you just need a good fuck!

But what about those of us who didn't wait until we were in college and had sex at 15? I don't want to lie to my kids, so I imagine I will tell them the truth if/when they ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't told my kids the details but I have told them I waited until I was in college and in a long term relationship. And, it wasn't just a single conversation, I talk a lot about sex/drugs and have since they were young. They usually don't want to have a conversation (they just listen while pretending to ignore me) but they've also expressed shock about how little some of their friends know and how little their parents tell them.

I don't know if I'll every tell them how much fun a ONS can be or how sometimes you just need a good fuck!

But what about those of us who didn't wait until we were in college and had sex at 15? I don't want to lie to my kids, so I imagine I will tell them the truth if/when they ask.

I'm in the same boat. Neither kid (15.5 and 13) has asked me about my specific experience, and I think I might dodge it by talking about how you need to be mature enough to handle the emotional consequences. I probably wasn't at 15, but on the other hand I don't feel that there was any lasting damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been prepared with what I really wanted to say, which was that she should be much older and in a long term relationship with someone she loves - and who loves her. This person should be loyal, kind, and only have her best interests at heart. She should never be afraid to say no, and if the other person is upset by that, then it's the wrong person.

She should also be emotionally mature enough to plan on having safe sex, always.

It's not too late to go back to her in a quiet moment and say, "you know, I was thinking more about your question the other day, and there's some more things I want you to know." And then tell her what you told us.

Remember that you'll have a series of conversations with her, so you don't have to say it all perfectly the first time, but I'm sure you'll be glad to have started sharing.

[Anonymous]

I would say that a healthy sexual relationship with yourself is the first priority before thinking about anything with another person. And involving another person requires more emotional maturity than physical. I personally wouldn't recommend having sex before 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't told my kids the details but I have told them I waited until I was in college and in a long term relationship. And, it wasn't just a single conversation, I talk a lot about sex/drugs and have since they were young. They usually don't want to have a conversation (they just listen while pretending to ignore me) but they've also expressed shock about how little some of their friends know and how little their parents tell them.

I don't know if I'll every tell them how much fun a ONS can be or how sometimes you just need a good fuck!

But what about those of us who didn't wait until we were in college and had sex at 15? I don't want to lie to my kids, so I imagine I will tell them the truth if/when they ask.

I had sex when I was 15 and I don't imagine I'll lie. I also don't think my decision was a poor one and I suffered no ill effects, but for women who had a different experience I can understand why they'd want to avoid that question or give a less straightforward answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't told my kids the details but I have told them I waited until I was in college and in a long term relationship. And, it wasn't just a single conversation, I talk a lot about sex/drugs and have since they were young. They usually don't want to have a conversation (they just listen while pretending to ignore me) but they've also expressed shock about how little some of their friends know and how little their parents tell them.

I don't know if I'll every tell them how much fun a ONS can be or how sometimes you just need a good fuck!

But what about those of us who didn't wait until we were in college and had sex at 15? I don't want to lie to my kids, so I imagine I will tell them the truth if/when they ask.

I had sex when I was 15 and I don't imagine I'll lie. I also don't think my decision was a poor one and I suffered no ill effects, but for women who had a different experience I can understand why they'd want to avoid that question or give a less straightforward answer.

I am similar, but I don't want to have her think it is normal. My decision was poor, but the actually experience was great and I luckily suffered no ill effects. My family was very screwed up and I now realize I was reacting to it. She is coming from a much different place. I kind of like the pp idea of not kissing and telling.