Reply to How did you talk to your tween DD re: sex, etc.?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DD has been told in college. She's now 13 and judging by her maturity level I think college is when she'll be ready.

[b]Nothing wrong with a fun one night stand as long as everyone is consenting and using protection.[/b] [/quote]

Sure, but is this what you tell your 13 y.o. daughter?  [/quote]

NP here, and while I wouldn't use those exact words that is pretty close to the general message I try to convey when discussing sex with my kids once they were tweens and older. DD4 still knows only the basics, but with DDs 13, 21, and 23 I basically went with some form of

[list]Sex is an intense form of physical and emotional intimacy (details are given as seemed appropriate for each child in each conversation, following their lead, though I doubt it's necessary to get into detail on this forum). Many people enjoy it and find it fun and/or fulfilling, however by no means is everyone nearly as experienced as teens and young adults are likely to let on that they are, nor is sex at all necessary in a loving relationship or even in life at all. [/list]
[list] Sex should take place in a context of freely given, fully informed, competent (both legally and practically) consent by all participants. Any sexual situations that meet these criteria are perfectly fine, and there is nothing wrong with any sex that was risk-aware, consensual, and left all parties involved feeling good about the outcome of the encounter. (I think this is basically the PP's comment just phrased differently). [/list]
[list] Ideally, sexual encounters would be with someone that you trust, it's often nicer if your partner is someone with whom you have some manner of emotional connection, but at the very least anyone you have sex with should be someone whose boundaries you want to and are able to respect and are comfortable that they will in return respect you and yours. [/list]
[list] A thorough discussion of cultural, legal, and moral attitudes about sex (as appropriate to each DD's understanding and interest at the time) [/list]
[list]I generally tried to save this for when DDs were older teens, but: As is a general belief in our family, legal and moral do not always align. Where our morals are more restrictive than the law, obviously I expect everyone to behave ethically. Where the law is more restrictive than our moral values is an incredibly difficult gray area, and while I generally expect compliance with the law (almost completely during the time that the kids are minors whose actions would impact more than just themselves), as long as everyone is being treated ethically I would not expect anyone to ever sacrifice their moral convictions regarding what is right as long as it is an informed choice for which they are prepared to face the possible consequences. (This came up with oldest DD in the context that we are both aware that certain states still prohibit certain sexual acts in private between two consenting adults... and we firmly disagree with this. Came up again when a cousin was considering trying to marry her girlfriend in a country that recognized same-sex marriage before the U.S. did and then attempting to get that recognized here. The Supreme Court decision ended the need to consider that course of action).[/list]

As far as whether to share details about my own history, I certainly shared about my basic experiences, development, attitudes, thoughts & feelings. Personal experiences sometimes where helpful, like when I was explaining whether something would or would not hurt. However, I strongly believe, and taught the kids, that consensual sexual intimacy is generally considered private amongst the people involved, unless there is agreement between them that it is okay to talk about (and to what extent), so it is not very ethical or respectful to "kiss and tell" as they say, unless something went wrong that made the situation sexual assault rather than rape, consulting someone else is necessary for health or future informed consent, or everyone involved in the sex is alright with it being discussed in whatever way it is about to be discussed. Pursuant to this deeply-held belief, I explain to my daughters that there will be limits on how much of my personal experiences I will share based on my comfort level and what my partner's consent would be but that they can feel free to ask anything and I will answer with as much detail as they want and I deem appropriate. In practice, this meant they would mostly ask general questions, occasionally want specifics that they sometimes found embarrassing, and emphatically never want to hear about any intimate activities between their parents except in the most general terms.[/quote]

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