Still don't feel welcome in DH's family

[Anonymous]

We have been together 5 years, married for 3.
Ever since we got together, I've felt incredibly uncomfortable around my in laws. They openly told DH when we first got together that I was just "a girl to pass the time" and I don't think they've ever adapted a different mindset. Anytime I go with DH to visit his family, I can only psych myself up to stay for maybe an hour or two. They don't want to involve me as a part of the family and it honestly hurts my feelings. I've been trying hard for 5 years to be closer to them, but I'm at my wits end after a stunt they recently pulled. They used to go on a family vacation every year to Cali.
This year, they asked DH if he would like to go. Get a timeshare, stay two weeks, and relax. Offered to pay and everything. I was very excited! Until I found out that the invitation was extended to DH only, and they explicitly told him in private if I wanted to go, I would pay for all my expenses separately.
I wouldn't care about paying for OUR own expenses, but singling me out is just the final straw. I don't know how to handle this. I'm starting to find a lot of disdain toward them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 5 years, married for 3.
Ever since we got together, I've felt incredibly uncomfortable around my in laws. They openly told DH when we first got together that I was just "a girl to pass the time" and I don't think they've ever adapted a different mindset. Anytime I go with DH to visit his family, I can only psych myself up to stay for maybe an hour or two. They don't want to involve me as a part of the family and it honestly hurts my feelings. I've been trying hard for 5 years to be closer to them, but I'm at my wits end after a stunt they recently pulled. They used to go on a family vacation every year to Cali.
This year, they asked DH if he would like to go. Get a timeshare, stay two weeks, and relax. Offered to pay and everything. I was very excited! Until I found out that the invitation was extended to DH only, and they explicitly told him in private if I wanted to go, I would pay for all my expenses separately.
I wouldn't care about paying for OUR own expenses, but singling me out is just the final straw. I don't know how to handle this. I'm starting to find a lot of disdain toward them.

Hopefully DH has (or grows) a pair and stands up to them when they pull this kind of thing. Did he stand up to them when they told him you were just to pass the time?

[Anonymous]

Ew. That's terrible. They suck.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute, they have always been like this since you met him while you were dating. Why have you never addressed this when you were engaged? Why didn't your husband when you were engaged address this problem too? Why is your man not standing up for you? They say there's no smoke without fire, did you do anything to cause this? If not, then your husband needs to be a man stand up for you and firmly talk to his side of the family. I know people say you don't marry the family you marry the man, but personally, if I cannot get along with my man's side of the family and he doesn't make any effort to stop any disrespect then forget it, I'm not marrying him. I need a strong assertive man who knows how to respectively call out anyone their bs not some weak man. I swear people around are so afraid to talk and be real. Why is everyone so scared to speak-up!

[Anonymous]

And what did DH tell them?

I'm sorry, they sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute, they have always been like this since you met him while you were dating. Why have you never addressed this when you were engaged? Why didn't your husband when you were engaged address this problem too? Why is your man not standing up for you? They say there's no smoke without fire, did you do anything to cause this? If not, then your husband needs to be a man stand up for you and firmly talk to his side of the family. I know people say you don't marry the family you marry the man, but personally, if I cannot get along with my man's side of the family and he doesn't make any effort to stop any disrespect then forget it, I'm not marrying him. I need a strong assertive man who knows how to respectively call out anyone their bs not some weak man. I swear people around are so afraid to talk and be real. Why is everyone so scared to speak-up!

Please excuse my typos. Typing too fast!

[Anonymous]

wtf? I hope your DH stood up for you, otherwise, you need to re-evaluate staying married to him. Think about what it would be like if you had kids with him? If my IL did that to me, my DH would give them an ultimatum -- accept her or stay out of my life.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should tell them that offer is a non-starter.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
DH has talked to them in the past about involving me more and has tried to politely bring me into their family business a little more. Up until now, it's been mainly a feeling of being an outsider.

DH was furious when they told him about the trip and told them no he's not going and it's not a family vacation without his family. I'm not big on confrontation, but I'm to the point where I want to say something myself.

They have the mindset of just another girl with me(or at least had) because we started going on dates shortly after he got out of a relationship. It was about a month later. They told him it wasn't serious it was a fling to get over his ex blah blah blah. They just never took it seriously.

[Anonymous]

So long as your husband stands up for you properly, I would leave it alone. You can't make people like you. Don't waste any of your mental energy on them. Just fulfill your basic obligations and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Really weird. And I say this as someone who really despises my brother's wife. He needs to have a Come to Jesus talk with them. Polite and inclusive is the barebones minimum. Doesn't have to be all lovey dovey.

[Anonymous]

Yeah... reminds me of my mother. She had the nerve to request something similar about including me but not my husband.

At that point I was officially done with her and wanted to cut her off. My husband persuaded me not to. We went two years without seeing my parents, except at a family funeral. My mother suddenly started being much nicer when she finally got through her thick head that she would never see any of us again if she kept acting like that. We finally invited her to stay last Christmas for a few days, and she was a model of gracious behavior.

Which is not to say we have forgotten any of her previous antics. We don't trust her one inch. But the kids and I really missed their grandfather/my father, and he would never have come without my mother.

Might want to try that, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm 10 years in, and am just now starting to feel like maybe they're coming around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So long as your husband stands up for you properly, I would leave it alone. You can't make people like you. Don't waste any of your mental energy on them. Just fulfill your basic obligations and that's it.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would be loathe to cut off actual family rather than married family.