Still don't feel welcome in DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10 years in, and am just now starting to feel like maybe they're coming around.

This is me, too. Maybe they started a couple of years ago when they realized I wasn't a flash in the pan.

But honestly? If I were OP I would be glad for a half price vacation to Cali and, since the in-laws didn't pay my fare, I'd feel no obligation to spend any time with them beyond a meal or two. I might even use the money saved on DH's fare to branch off to some other locations.

Some people can make others like them, but it's a rare gift. Be yourself. But don't waste a part of that self worrying about whether or not they accept you. They're missing something.

[Anonymous]

I'm 18 years in, and it's still chilly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be loathe to cut off actual family rather than married family.

Married family IS actual family, legally and morally speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So long as your husband stands up for you properly, I would leave it alone. You can't make people like you. Don't waste any of your mental energy on them. Just fulfill your basic obligations and that's it.

+1

[Anonymous]

I've been married twenty years and my MIL has never excepted me. I told my husband at the fifteen year mark that I wished not to visit her again. I have not seen her in FIVE years. He sometimes takes the kids or goes by himself to see her.

I'm so much happier not to be pulled into her drama and BS. I wish I had done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be loathe to cut off actual family rather than married family.

Married family IS actual family, legally and morally speaking.

yes, especially when there are children... I never understand when families act like they love the grandchildren but can ignore / mistreat the mother. it's fine to have separate interests, not totally get along, but keep it polite and understand she is the mother of your grandchildren and deserves respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 5 years, married for 3.
Ever since we got together, I've felt incredibly uncomfortable around my in laws. They openly told DH when we first got together that I was just "a girl to pass the time" and I don't think they've ever adapted a different mindset. Anytime I go with DH to visit his family, I can only psych myself up to stay for maybe an hour or two. They don't want to involve me as a part of the family and it honestly hurts my feelings. I've been trying hard for 5 years to be closer to them, but I'm at my wits end after a stunt they recently pulled. They used to go on a family vacation every year to Cali.
This year, they asked DH if he would like to go. Get a timeshare, stay two weeks, and relax. Offered to pay and everything. I was very excited! Until I found out that the invitation was extended to DH only, and they explicitly told him in private if I wanted to go, I would pay for all my expenses separately.
I wouldn't care about paying for OUR own expenses, but singling me out is just the final straw. I don't know how to handle this. I'm starting to find a lot of disdain toward them.

To me, this is a woman who would never lay eyes on her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be loathe to cut off actual family rather than married family.

Married family IS actual family, legally and morally speaking.

Geeze. Exactly. How do you think family is created without marriage? At least in the traditional sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah... reminds me of my mother. She had the nerve to request something similar about including me but not my husband.

At that point I was officially done with her and wanted to cut her off. My husband persuaded me not to. We went two years without seeing my parents, except at a family funeral. My mother suddenly started being much nicer when she finally got through her thick head that she would never see any of us again if she kept acting like that. We finally invited her to stay last Christmas for a few days, and she was a model of gracious behavior.

Which is not to say we have forgotten any of her previous antics. We don't trust her one inch. But the kids and I really missed their grandfather/my father, and he would never have come without my mother.

Might want to try that, OP.

Don't hold a grudge. She made a mistake and corrected her behavior. Throw some trust her way and see if she relapses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be loathe to cut off actual family rather than married family.

Married family IS actual family, legally and morally speaking.

Geeze. Exactly. How do you think family is created without marriage? At least in the traditional sense.

Yeah no kidding.... if you are going to exclude the in laws, you will find the next generation forms a nucleus far separate.from you.

in a healthy family, the new nuclear family is its own entity, but gathers well into the larger extended family for vibrant relationships and the continuity of the family line, continuing traditions, etc.

I have witnessed some families who treat the spouse/non-blood relative /in law, like a surrogate or sperm donor who after that limited role, has no place in the family. But without making some place for them, however superficial, where they actually belong in the family, you have one of two outcomes: divorce or estrangement.(assuming they have any self esteem, of course)

if you expect to have a close relationship with your child and grandchildren, get your act together and treat the in law as a special partner devoting their energies and being to creating the next generation of your family.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a jerk. How would you even find this info out, other than him telling you? Why is your husband even seeing his family if they treat you this way? You are his new family now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the wife, the #1. It's so hard for the husbands family to accept that they are now in #2 position. It's a head game. Be better.

When you solidify your space even stronger, when you become the mother of his children, it may get worse. But, at that point, most men will cut off their right arm for the mother of their children.

His parents will come around. You are and will always be in charge.. As a mom, you will hold every card!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 5 years, married for 3.
Ever since we got together, I've felt incredibly uncomfortable around my in laws. They openly told DH when we first got together that I was just "a girl to pass the time" and I don't think they've ever adapted a different mindset. Anytime I go with DH to visit his family, I can only psych myself up to stay for maybe an hour or two. They don't want to involve me as a part of the family and it honestly hurts my feelings. I've been trying hard for 5 years to be closer to them, but I'm at my wits end after a stunt they recently pulled. They used to go on a family vacation every year to Cali.
This year, they asked DH if he would like to go. Get a timeshare, stay two weeks, and relax. Offered to pay and everything. I was very excited! Until I found out that the invitation was extended to DH only, and they explicitly told him in private if I wanted to go, I would pay for all my expenses separately.
I wouldn't care about paying for OUR own expenses, but singling me out is just the final straw. I don't know how to handle this. I'm starting to find a lot of disdain toward them.

wtf?? I hope your husband told them to go to hell! But it sounds like he does not stick up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
DH has talked to them in the past about involving me more and has tried to politely bring me into their family business a little more. Up until now, it's been mainly a feeling of being an outsider.

DH was furious when they told him about the trip and told them no he's not going and it's not a family vacation without his family. I'm not big on confrontation, but I'm to the point where I want to say something myself.

They have the mindset of just another girl with me(or at least had) because we started going on dates shortly after he got out of a relationship. It was about a month later. They told him it wasn't serious it was a fling to get over his ex blah blah blah. They just never took it seriously.

OP, I agree with the PP who said that as long as DH stands up for you properly, leave it alone.

I would add: Be sure that DH knows with crystal clarity how much it means to you that he stood up for you in this situation. Do not badmouth his family because he already knows they committed a truly vast insult towards you. Take the high road, ensure he knows that his support is something you treasure, and let him know that next time his parents interact with him and try to pretend that this all never happened -- and I'd bet they will -- you and he will need to talk about how you both plan to respond.

Be very glad they live a long way away and cannot turn up on your doorstep once you have a child.

I'd also let DH know: You and he will have the "How do we as a couple plan to show a united front to your family" discussion when you do have a child, because his folks might suddenly decide they want to see that grandchild and you are in their way.

[Anonymous]

OP, figure out your boundaries with DH and your expectations of how you will be treated now, before you have a child. It will only get harder!