Always finding fault with DH

[Anonymous]

DH says I always have a problem and issue with him. Before, he was drinking and smoking cigars too much, finally that has stopped. Now he is lazy around the house and doesn't share equal responsibility with the chores and kids. In addition, I have naggy type issues with him like he's too hard on our oldest, he's on his phone too much, or isn't present etc.

All of these issues genuinely annoy me, but I don't want to always be so critical of him. What's wrong with me? What do I do?

[Anonymous]

instead of nagging, take a deep breath, think it over in your head, and get on with life

[Anonymous]

Nagging is no fun. Gottman says you need a 5-1 ratio of positive comments to negative to keep a relationship healthy. So, even if you can't stop being naggy, you can increase your positive comments.

Like (these might sounds stupid to you):
- Thank you! That was awsome!
- You look handsome, I love you in that shirt!
- Thanks, I appreciate you taking out the trash.
- You are so good at [fill in the blank, playing with the child, making dinner, going down on me]
- Yeah, that car IS cool.
- Great idea, we should take the kids to the zoo!

Think of it as a turning TOWARD your spouse instead of away. I think he uses an example of a husband pointing a bird out to his wife. His wife doesn't really care about birds, actually, she thinks they are gross, but she cares about him. So she says, "oh, cool, a cardinal!" instead of nothing. Easy, positive interaction.

I'm going to say this is right on. DH and I are very very positive in our interactions. And we are struggling through things, but at least we aren't blasting each other. And we are still together.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you need to arrange a time for a serious conversation. I would say to your DH that you recognize you've been nagging him, that you'd like to work to stop that behavior, but that in order to do that you two need to really talk about how you want your life to be and what type of parents you want. Give each other a week or two to think about what is really important to you.

Then, sit down and talk. Things like "There are a lot of chores that need to be done around the house, and I'd like to stop nagging you to do things. What do you think makes sense to fall into your responsibility, my responsibility, and shared responsibilities?" And "What do we want our evenings with our kids to look like? I worry that I am getting distracted by chores and electronics, and not giving our kids the energy and attention that I want to give them. What would you think about having "no electronics" from the hours of 6-8:30 pm?" Etc.

Then, once you're on the same page, I absolutely think 10:20 is spot on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nagging is no fun. Gottman says you need a 5-1 ratio of positive comments to negative to keep a relationship healthy. So, even if you can't stop being naggy, you can increase your positive comments.

Like (these might sounds stupid to you):
- Thank you! That was awsome!
- You look handsome, I love you in that shirt!
- Thanks, I appreciate you taking out the trash.
- You are so good at [fill in the blank, playing with the child, making dinner, going down on me]
- Yeah, that car IS cool.
- Great idea, we should take the kids to the zoo!

Think of it as a turning TOWARD your spouse instead of away. I think he uses an example of a husband pointing a bird out to his wife. His wife doesn't really care about birds, actually, she thinks they are gross, but she cares about him. So she says, "oh, cool, a cardinal!" instead of nothing. Easy, positive interaction.

I'm going to say this is right on. DH and I are very very positive in our interactions. And we are struggling through things, but at least we aren't blasting each other. And we are still together.

NP here. Thank you -- this is something I need to do.

[Anonymous]

It can be tough not to nag. I personally think the best solution is to have a division of responsibilities in the house, so he is 100% responsible for some things, and you are 100% responsible for others. Then, just don't think about his chores at all. If he is in charge of taking out garbage, and the garbage is overflowing, ignore it. He will realize it needs to go out eventually, and will fall into a routine. If you nag him to take it out, you are assuming responsibility. Make HIM responsible, and you will both be happier.

[Anonymous]

read Love Busters. It talks about how to deal with things that annoy you in a marriage in a more constructive way.

[Anonymous]

agree with the positive comments. I am a nagger and in the past have focused on the stuff DH doesn't do, but have really made a huge effort in terms of thanks--thanks for making breakfast, thanks emptying the dishwasher, thanks for letting me sleep in--as well as compliments: you look great in a black t shirt, you are an awesome grillmeister. At first I resented thanking him for things he should be doing anyway--his 'chores'--and that I didn't get thanked for, but in fact, things were much more pleasant when I thanked him, he began to thank and notice stuff I did, and then when I wanted to ask him something it was generally coming from a positive place. "Honey, do you mind taking the trash out before tomorrow?" no longer was said, or heard, as an annoyed nag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:agree with the positive comments. I am a nagger and in the past have focused on the stuff DH doesn't do, but have really made a huge effort in terms of thanks--thanks for making breakfast, thanks emptying the dishwasher, thanks for letting me sleep in--as well as compliments: you look great in a black t shirt, you are an awesome grillmeister. At first I resented thanking him for things he should be doing anyway--his 'chores'--and that I didn't get thanked for, but in fact, things were much more pleasant when I thanked him, he began to thank and notice stuff I did, and then when I wanted to ask him something it was generally coming from a positive place. "Honey, do you mind taking the trash out before tomorrow?" no longer was said, or heard, as an annoyed nag.

Just curious, does he reciprocate on all these positive comments? I have tried this with my DH but find I'm still the one putting in all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says I always have a problem and issue with him. Before, he was drinking and smoking cigars too much, finally that has stopped. Now he is lazy around the house and doesn't share equal responsibility with the chores and kids. In addition, I have naggy type issues with him like he's too hard on our oldest, he's on his phone too much, or isn't present etc.

All of these issues genuinely annoy me, but I don't want to always be so critical of him. What's wrong with me? What do I do?

How about just keeping your mouth shut?

[Anonymous]

It's hard when you're resentful all the time about a legitimate beef. I can keep my mouth shut for a month or more, but then I have a blowup because I've been shoving it down for so long. It's much better to confront stuff as it happens, but the trick is to do it kindly and respectfully...AND also to let some things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nagging is no fun. Gottman says you need a 5-1 ratio of positive comments to negative to keep a relationship healthy. So, even if you can't stop being naggy, you can increase your positive comments.

Like (these might sounds stupid to you):
- Thank you! That was awsome!
- You look handsome, I love you in that shirt!
- Thanks, I appreciate you taking out the trash.
- You are so good at [fill in the blank, playing with the child, making dinner, going down on me]
- Yeah, that car IS cool.
- Great idea, we should take the kids to the zoo!

Think of it as a turning TOWARD your spouse instead of away. I think he uses an example of a husband pointing a bird out to his wife. His wife doesn't really care about birds, actually, she thinks they are gross, but she cares about him. So she says, "oh, cool, a cardinal!" instead of nothing. Easy, positive interaction.

I'm going to say this is right on. DH and I are very very positive in our interactions. And we are struggling through things, but at least we aren't blasting each other. And we are still together.

NP here. Thank you -- this is something I need to do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nagging is no fun. Gottman says you need a 5-1 ratio of positive comments to negative to keep a relationship healthy. So, even if you can't stop being naggy, you can increase your positive comments.

Like (these might sounds stupid to you):
- Thank you! That was awsome!
- You look handsome, I love you in that shirt!
- Thanks, I appreciate you taking out the trash.
- You are so good at [fill in the blank, playing with the child, making dinner, going down on me]
- Yeah, that car IS cool.
- Great idea, we should take the kids to the zoo!

Think of it as a turning TOWARD your spouse instead of away. I think he uses an example of a husband pointing a bird out to his wife. His wife doesn't really care about birds, actually, she thinks they are gross, but she cares about him. So she says, "oh, cool, a cardinal!" instead of nothing. Easy, positive interaction.

I'm going to say this is right on. DH and I are very very positive in our interactions. And we are struggling through things, but at least we aren't blasting each other. And we are still together.

NP here. Thank you -- this is something I need to do.

+1

We do this in our marriage and it's gotten us through so many rough times! I love John Gottman!!

[Anonymous]

Men don't seem to realize at all the work involved in keeping a household going. They probably had a stay at home mother who did everything while the father worked. I know my husband said to me that "he always wondered why his married friends were never available to do anything." Fortunately for me my husband evolved and has learned to do nearly everything required. But if you don't want to just live in an apt, if you want a real home, there is endless work. And children make it twice as much or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nagging is no fun. Gottman says you need a 5-1 ratio of positive comments to negative to keep a relationship healthy. So, even if you can't stop being naggy, you can increase your positive comments.

Like (these might sounds stupid to you):
- Thank you! That was awsome!
- You look handsome, I love you in that shirt!
- Thanks, I appreciate you taking out the trash.
- You are so good at [fill in the blank, playing with the child, making dinner, going down on me]
- Yeah, that car IS cool.
- Great idea, we should take the kids to the zoo!

Think of it as a turning TOWARD your spouse instead of away. I think he uses an example of a husband pointing a bird out to his wife. His wife doesn't really care about birds, actually, she thinks they are gross, but she cares about him. So she says, "oh, cool, a cardinal!" instead of nothing. Easy, positive interaction.

I'm going to say this is right on. DH and I are very very positive in our interactions. And we are struggling through things, but at least we aren't blasting each other. And we are still together.

This is a really nice post. Thanks!

I do this because I a mange a customer service staff and we try to say 10 positive things for every negative customer interaction.