is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby

[Anonymous]

This isn't my kid, it's my sibling's kid, who isn't upset or anything. I'm just puzzled by how our parents are reacting to their first grandchild, and looking for perspective.

Baby was just born over the weekend, and is in the NICU. Our parents - the baby's grandparents - live about an hour away.

Grandparents didn't come to visit the first day. The second day, they came to see the baby after lunch (ran errands in the morning) and stayed most of the day.

Now they aren't planning to come back again to see the baby until a week from now. They have things to do - but they could definitely make time if they wanted. They really aren't *that* busy.

My sibling doesn't seem upset (or at least hasn't said so) so this isn't a question of what to do or anything like that. More just, I am confused that they seem not so excited to go spend time with their first grandchild. I'd have thought they would be up there every day, especially while baby is in the NICU.

Does this seem odd to you? Am I being silly to be a little upset on my sibling's behalf that our parents seem so, I don't know, blase about this?

[Anonymous]

Some people are not baby people. I, for one, do better once the kid can talk to me. Also, some people are not hospital people. A NICU is a stressful place with lots of rules and lots of sitting there doing nothing. Your parents know that someone else is ensuring the baby gets the best care, they don't see any reason to go there and sit on a bench all day.

[Anonymous]

My parents were the same way. It came as a shock since my mom said she loved kids etc. But the reality was she was intimidated and didn't really know what to do. It's gotten better as my kids have aged and become easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are not baby people. I, for one, do better once the kid can talk to me. Also, some people are not hospital people. A NICU is a stressful place with lots of rules and lots of sitting there doing nothing. Your parents know that someone else is ensuring the baby gets the best care, they don't see any reason to go there and sit on a bench all day.

Agree with this. Also, if the baby is having difficulties then maybe seeing her like that upsets them. I know my dad has to change the channel if there is anything on tv having to do with premies hooked up etc. also, hospitals are not very comfortable and just increase the risk of them getting sick. I wouldn't think much of it.

[Anonymous]

Often NICUs don't want family there all the time. Babies who are there need to rest and can't always be held a ton. It really depends what the issues are.

They also might be waiting until your sibling and baby go home to be more hands on.

I'd stay out of it, especially since your sibling is not concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often NICUs don't want family there all the time. Babies who are there need to rest and can't always be held a ton. It really depends what the issues are.

They also might be waiting until your sibling and baby go home to be more hands on.

I'd stay out of it, especially since your sibling is not concerned.

OP here - I am absolutely staying out of it. My sib doesn't seem upset and it's none of my damn business to stir things up.

Thanks for the perspective, all.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents retired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your parents retired?

They are, yeah.

[Anonymous]

Oh god, I wouldn't want my parents or MIL around that much in the hospital with baby in NICU. My dad would be annoying. My mom would be somewhat helpful because she's also a doctor, so it would in theory be nice to have her input -- wouldn't have to go anywhere for a top-notch second opinion. But she probably wouldn't come.

I don't understand the "must visit in the hospital!" thing. I didn't want hospital visitors. I was struggling with breastfeeding and pumping, I was vulnerable and physically exposed, I was recovering from a C/S...I didn't want people around. My MIL was there from morning to night all days we were in the hospital and I just wanted her to go home (she also invited her SIL without telling us...wtf). I have one friend in particular who thinks it's her duty as a good friend to visit in the hospital...I managed to hold her off but she was waiting at our house when we got home. With food. That was fine.

Now, if you're talking about older babies -- I can sympathize. My mom, for all her medical help and expertise, doesn't seem to have much interest in actually seeing DD (now 18 months), although she does seem to welcome my medical questions and likes to send gifts occasionally. I think she has only seen DD 2-3 times, and they just moved cross county so it will be even less often now. My dad has come on his own several times and very much wants a relationship with DD. He was devastated to move so far away but my mom insisted. The only downside is, DH can't stand him and he isn't the greatest house guest, although he tries.

[Anonymous]

My parents would not come until the baby was a week old. My mother wanted us to have our "bonding time". THen they stayed for 6 days. The ended up visits once or twice a year for the next 15. My in-laws did not come for several week for the first one and never for the second one. In both cases, we visited far more often than they did.

How old are your parents? IME, baby boomer grandparents tend to be around more than pre-war parents. All of my children's grandparents were depression babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god, I wouldn't want my parents or MIL around that much in the hospital with baby in NICU. My dad would be annoying. My mom would be somewhat helpful because she's also a doctor, so it would in theory be nice to have her input -- wouldn't have to go anywhere for a top-notch second opinion. But she probably wouldn't come.

I don't understand the "must visit in the hospital!" thing. I didn't want hospital visitors. I was struggling with breastfeeding and pumping, I was vulnerable and physically exposed, I was recovering from a C/S...I didn't want people around. My MIL was there from morning to night all days we were in the hospital and I just wanted her to go home (she also invited her SIL without telling us...wtf). I have one friend in particular who thinks it's her duty as a good friend to visit in the hospital...I managed to hold her off but she was waiting at our house when we got home. With food. That was fine.

Now, if you're talking about older babies -- I can sympathize. My mom, for all her medical help and expertise, doesn't seem to have much interest in actually seeing DD (now 18 months), although she does seem to welcome my medical questions and likes to send gifts occasionally. I think she has only seen DD 2-3 times, and they just moved cross county so it will be even less often now. My dad has come on his own several times and very much wants a relationship with DD. He was devastated to move so far away but my mom insisted. The only downside is, DH can't stand him and he isn't the greatest house guest, although he tries.

Ha - that's a great perspective to have. I guess I hadn't factored in that my sib's spouse might prefer it this way!

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't want to hang around the hospital. I'd be wondering, if it were me, what I'd find to do and what use I'd be. Stand around staring through the glass at the baby sleeping in the NICU? Meh. Unless I were requested to be there, I too would wait until the baby was home to come spend time and bond and actually help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents would not come until the baby was a week old. My mother wanted us to have our "bonding time". THen they stayed for 6 days. The ended up visits once or twice a year for the next 15. My in-laws did not come for several week for the first one and never for the second one. In both cases, we visited far more often than they did.

How old are your parents? IME, baby boomer grandparents tend to be around more than pre-war parents. All of my children's grandparents were depression babies.

Parents are in their 70s, so basically boomers.

To me, it reads like they are very caught up with their own lives, and so kind of detached from their kids - but I feel so unkind thinking that. (Also, like I said, not my battle, not my issue, not my kid. Just seems really weird to me.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't want to hang around the hospital. I'd be wondering, if it were me, what I'd find to do and what use I'd be. Stand around staring through the glass at the baby sleeping in the NICU? Meh. Unless I were requested to be there, I too would wait until the baby was home to come spend time and bond and actually help out.

I suppose. But they only live an hour away. They could easily come in to bring some lunch to the new parents, say hi to the baby, and then go back home again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would not come until the baby was a week old. My mother wanted us to have our "bonding time". THen they stayed for 6 days. The ended up visits once or twice a year for the next 15. My in-laws did not come for several week for the first one and never for the second one. In both cases, we visited far more often than they did.

How old are your parents? IME, baby boomer grandparents tend to be around more than pre-war parents. All of my children's grandparents were depression babies.

Parents are in their 70s, so basically boomers.

To me, it reads like they are very caught up with their own lives, and so kind of detached from their kids - but I feel so unkind thinking that. (Also, like I said, not my battle, not my issue, not my kid. Just seems really weird to me.)

I am the PP who asked if your parents were retired, because I was trying to get a feel for whether they might be unable to take time away from their jobs.

I'll break with many of the PPs and agree with you. It is detached and odd. I'd feel like a failure if I weren't lending some form of emotional or financial support in my child or grandchild's time of need.

Hopefully you and your sibling don't decide you're "just not nursing home people" when your parents would like some visitors and emotional support towards the end of their lives in a few years.