is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby

[Anonymous]

maybe your sibling had told your parents that they are not needed for the first weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't my kid, it's my sibling's kid, who isn't upset or anything. I'm just puzzled by how our parents are reacting to their first grandchild, and looking for perspective.

Baby was just born over the weekend, and is in the NICU. Our parents - the baby's grandparents - live about an hour away.

Grandparents didn't come to visit the first day. The second day, they came to see the baby after lunch (ran errands in the morning) and stayed most of the day.

Now they aren't planning to come back again to see the baby until a week from now. They have things to do - but they could definitely make time if they wanted. They really aren't *that* busy.

My sibling doesn't seem upset (or at least hasn't said so) so this isn't a question of what to do or anything like that. More just, I am confused that they seem not so excited to go spend time with their first grandchild. I'd have thought they would be up there every day, especially while baby is in the NICU.

Does this seem odd to you? Am I being silly to be a little upset on my sibling's behalf that our parents seem so, I don't know, blase about this?

Babies aren't that interesting. All they do is sleep, eat and make dirty diapers.

[Anonymous]

If this is not a problem, don't make it into one! My parents and in-laws both did the "we'll come stay and help you" visit which was not always that helpful. So after baby is home is probably a better time to judge their interest and participation level--not much for them to do in a NICU except see the baby briefly and maybe leave a gift that won't be used until baby is home.

[Anonymous]

Meh, wouldn't register to me. My mom is planning to come for a brief hospital visit when my baby is born next week, but I don't expect that my step-father will necessarily join her. They aren't stereotypical grandparents and I don't think placing expectations on others, and then being pissed when they aren't met, in this area is reasonable. My mom raised her kids and certainly doesn't owe me anything. My parents spend their free time traveling and goid for them, they worked hard to be able to enjoy this time in their lives! I know they aren't big kid people and there is nothing wrong with their feelings at all. Heck, besides my own I don't have a huge interest in other people's children either.

Life becomes much easier and relaxing when you allow people to be who they are and then you simply decide if you want to engage them and their choices.

[Anonymous]

Guys, I just want to clarify: there's no fight, there's no anger, nothing to be resolved. I really just wanted to get a reality check about this.

And the great news seems to be that this is pretty normal, regular behavior - so my instinct that it isn't was wrong, and I can put it away!

Thank you again for weighing in. I appreciate

[Anonymous]

No - they are giving you your space to be parents and enjoy that bonding time.
It's best really when they come at around 4-6 weeks when you're not an emotional and physical wreck and you have maybe a routine down.
Before then unless you are dropping off a meal or a gift you're being kind of intrusive I think.

[Anonymous]

OP the reality is this - unless you're particularly "into" babies, then they are boring poop and vomit machines who say and do nothing.

My parents completely ignored my kids until they were able to engage with them.

Now they are coming up to 10 they engage with them wonderfully. They just were not into the baby stage at all, ever.

[Anonymous]

Is this a son's child? I noticed that gammy's tent to be colder towards their sons' children.

Anyway, I find it strange they have not visited when the child was born. But I wouldn't expect them in ICU every day. An hour away can be taxing for anybody, especiallly older folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a son's child? I noticed that gammy's tent to be colder towards their sons' children.

Anyway, I find it strange they have not visited when the child was born. But I wouldn't expect them in ICU every day. An hour away can be taxing for anybody, especiallly older folks.

They HAVE visited. They are planning to visit again in only a week. I really don't see what's "cold" about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a son's child? I noticed that gammy's tent to be colder towards their sons' children.

Anyway, I find it strange they have not visited when the child was born. But I wouldn't expect them in ICU every day. An hour away can be taxing for anybody, especiallly older folks.

They HAVE visited. They are planning to visit again in only a week. I really don't see what's "cold" about that.

I missed that. The 'cold' comment was just in general. As I said, I wouldn't expect older people driving over more often.

[Anonymous]

They are being considerate. I would never have wanted my in-laws around every day right after I gave birth. Mom's body is going through huge adjustments, boobs are out.... and in the NICU, you wouldn't want people coming/going a lot anyway.

[Anonymous]

No. Not that odd. Sounds like they are respecting the new parents space.

My parents came to visit me and the baby in the hospital and I still remember my mom picking up the remote to turn on the TV and asking my dad what he wanted to watch. She always wanted to see my son when he was a baby, but after 5 minutes, she was clearly bored.

[Anonymous]

I'm a NICU nurse and it's not uncommon for grandparents to not visit every day or for hours on end when the baby is in the NICU. Once the baby comes home, they may spend more time but I can see where they would be uncomfortable just sitting in the NICU every day. Many of our baby's can't be held or stimulated, are hooked up to tons of machines and its intimidating and scary for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are all very astute. The sib is my brother, and I do know that my parents did go into this not wanting to impose - but still, this seems too far in the other direction.

My SIL is awesome, and she and my parents get along really well. She'd have been clear if she needed space, or didn't want them around too much (she's a good communicator and has clear boundaries) and I am sure she didn't say that to them.

I really don't know what it is. When I spoke with my mom about it, she didn't say that she was trying to give them space, or didn't like the NICU, or anything like that. She just said she was busy.

I don't think my sib and I will be too busy for our parents when they get older and need our help. We are all close, and have good relationships, which is part of why this one thing seems so odd to me.

OP, my parents were like this after my first child was born, too. It was weird to me. It was their first grandchild. I am their oldest child and only daughter and only child who is married or likely to have a family at any point in time so it just seemed strange that they weren't more involved and excited when my child was born. They love my husband like their own son and have a great relationship w/ him. In fact we all just get along really well so I was surprised and hurt with their detachment. My baby is now 1 year old and though we've never explicitly talked about it, I have finally decided that I think a) they genuinely are busy in their own lives (they are very social, involved in the community, always volunteering or going on trips or something) and b) they are not really baby people. Even when they come to visit, they seem happy to be there but are just not that interactive w/ my son (like they don't generally get down on the floor and play w/ him or get involved in his care) and they don't offer to babysit or take him out by themselves or anything. I was upset at first mostly just because I was so confused since I had expected them to be really excited about their first and possibly only grandchild and wanting to be involved in everything but I have accepted it now and just try to focus on and nurture the aspects of my relationship w/ them and their relationship w/ my son that are positive...they may not get down on the floor and play with him but they give him very thoughtful and generous gifts, for example. They may not offer to babysit on their own but if I ask them to, they seem quite happy to do so.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the difference between daughter and son's children. Grandmas seem way more relaxed and involved with their daughters kids. They could be giving your brother's family space.

That being said, I find their reaction cold. I am a woman and have been surprised by my mom (that I love dearly and have a great relationship with) reaction to her grandkids. She is better with my children compared to my brother's kids but still she is so "busy" and unwilling to spend much time playing. She pretends she wants to see them but seems bored so quickly. The only thing that makes her more involved is that my father is so good with his grandkids that she gets Jealous and competitive because they all love him more. So she is finally spending more time playing with them.

We tried to discuss it with her (because she was also playing the victim "your kids don't love me enough") and a conclusion is that grandmothers can't really play the role they used to play as mothers : the safe heaven, primary hug giver, the one kids run to when they fall. But at the same time they are not interested in the typical secondary/ dad role "the play date". So they are bored and have trouble finding a connection/their spot. It is a new thing coming from boomer generation because the generation before had a more caring role/ was more involved as day care substitute, living closer etc... Now grandma and grandpa leave an hour away at best and need to build a different type of relationship. And grandmas don't thrive much in it.

Why are grandmas so important? Because they are usually the ones that rule the social calendar. I bet that if your mom wanted to be there she would schedule the visit for both of them