is this odd? first time grandparents not spending much time with baby

[Anonymous]

When my firstborn preemie was in the NICU the last thing I wanted was a horde of visitors coming every day to paw at the baby, even after they had washed their hands.

My parents, for whom this was the first grandchild, only came AFTER my son had come out of the NICU. My father helped me change his diapers, feed him, took him out in his stroller, cooked meals for me, helped around the house.

But they didn't come those first days.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they visited within a day and are coming back within a week - I'm not seeing the issue? If the baby is in the NICU, there's no much the grandparents can do at this point and the parents might want some space to deal with the emotions of everything that's happened.

Once the baby's home and healthy, then sure, there will be lots to do and some help might be appreciated, but weekly visits will be plenty even then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they visited within a day and are coming back within a week - I'm not seeing the issue? If the baby is in the NICU, there's no much the grandparents can do at this point and the parents might want some space to deal with the emotions of everything that's happened.

Once the baby's home and healthy, then sure, there will be lots to do and some help might be appreciated, but weekly visits will be plenty even then.

This. The baby's been alive for like a week. It's way too soon to be diagnosing the grandparents' relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the difference between daughter and son's children. Grandmas seem way more relaxed and involved with their daughters kids. They could be giving your brother's family space.

That being said, I find their reaction cold. I am a woman and have been surprised by my mom (that I love dearly and have a great relationship with) reaction to her grandkids. She is better with my children compared to my brother's kids but still she is so "busy" and unwilling to spend much time playing. She pretends she wants to see them but seems bored so quickly. The only thing that makes her more involved is that my father is so good with his grandkids that she gets Jealous and competitive because they all love him more. So she is finally spending more time playing with them.

We tried to discuss it with her (because she was also playing the victim "your kids don't love me enough") and a conclusion is that grandmothers can't really play the role they used to play as mothers : the safe heaven, primary hug giver, the one kids run to when they fall. But at the same time they are not interested in the typical secondary/ dad role "the play date". So they are bored and have trouble finding a connection/their spot. It is a new thing coming from boomer generation because the generation before had a more caring role/ was more involved as day care substitute, living closer etc... Now grandma and grandpa leave an hour away at best and need to build a different type of relationship. And grandmas don't thrive much in it.

Why are grandmas so important? Because they are usually the ones that rule the social calendar. I bet that if your mom wanted to be there she would schedule the visit for both of them

She may not be pretending. Not everybody enjoys playing with kids. I know I don't. I can handle it for a bit, but it drains me very quickly

[Anonymous]

I don't think it seems odd. Parents of newborns need space.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's abnormal at all. If honestly be incredibly annoyed if my parents/in laws wanted to be around all the time right after I just had the baby. A lot of people just don't want to butt their head into someone else's new family. Babies can only do so much. You can only visit a sleeping crying pooping relative for so long until it gets boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are not baby people. I, for one, do better once the kid can talk to me. Also, some people are not hospital people. A NICU is a stressful place with lots of rules and lots of sitting there doing nothing. Your parents know that someone else is ensuring the baby gets the best care, they don't see any reason to go there and sit on a bench all day.

Agree with this. Also, if the baby is having difficulties then maybe seeing her like that upsets them. I know my dad has to change the channel if there is anything on tv having to do with premies hooked up etc. also, hospitals are not very comfortable and just increase the risk of them getting sick. I wouldn't think much of it.

I think you hit it on the head. They feel helpless and it pains them to see their daughter and their grandchild going through this. Judge them not.