S/O: Stop enabling men and blaming women for IL dynamics

[Anonymous]

Stop it. SERIOUSLY! Your brother's wife is not "in charge" of remembering birthdays or acknowledging milestones, or of celebrating holidays. Your son's wife is not "in charge" of scheduling visits or remembering to call you every weekend.

Stop enabling men to be forgetful/selfish. Stop blaming women for "failures" on this front. A man is in charge of his own relationships and his own family dynamics. He doesn't stop being a son, brother, cousin or uncle the second he gets married. It's not SIL's fault, it's not DIL's fault, it's not SIL's responsibility, it's not DIL's responsibility.

And, at the end of the day, remember this: this is the son YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE RAISED. This is YOUR brother. This is YOUR family dynamic, and you can address it WITH HIM with *direct communication.*

[Anonymous]

op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

Your premise is so sexist and idiotic, that I can't help you.

Sit down before a holiday and communicate--make a plan, make a schedule, get on the same page. If your spouse or partner isn't open to this, then I feel bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Your thread is so lame you could have just posted on the other thread.

Actually i am responsible for buying gifts for his family. DH travels a lot. His hours are ridiculous. I SAH. For the breakdown of duties in our house, it makes the most sense for me to be in charge of all gift purchasing and sending. It's not really a difficult task.

Also, DH is the worst gift giver. I'd hate to inflict his brand of thoughtfulness on his family. He has many talents, but gift giving is not one of them. His family knows I'm in charge of such things and they talk to me about gifts.

I also plan vacations and visits to his family. Often he can't go with us because of his work schedule. They know to talk to me about travel plans, because DH is just along for the ride.

It all depends on how couples choose to break down the duties in their family. Sometimes it all falls on the DW. Sometimes it all falls on the DH. Sometimes they split it evenly. It's not up to you to dictate how other people celebrate their family's holidays.

[Anonymous]

A grown-ass man can utilize a calendar and a telephone. Preach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your thread is so lame you could have just posted on the other thread.

Actually i am responsible for buying gifts for his family. DH travels a lot. His hours are ridiculous. I SAH. For the breakdown of duties in our house, it makes the most sense for me to be in charge of all gift purchasing and sending. It's not really a difficult task.

Also, DH is the worst gift giver. I'd hate to inflict his brand of thoughtfulness on his family. He has many talents, but gift giving is not one of them. His family knows I'm in charge of such things and they talk to me about gifts.

I also plan vacations and visits to his family. Often he can't go with us because of his work schedule. They know to talk to me about travel plans, because DH is just along for the ride.

It all depends on how couples choose to break down the duties in their family. Sometimes it all falls on the DW. Sometimes it all falls on the DH. Sometimes they split it evenly. It's not up to you to dictate how other people celebrate their family's holidays.

Clearly, you are not who the OP is talking about, because you and your husband are on the same page about this stuff (division of labor), and it is getting DONE. So no one in his family feels slighted or insulted or whatever. By working with you, communicating, and dividing up labor with you, HE IS taking responsibility for his family. In some families, there is no communication and division of labor, it's not getting done...but then the woman gets blamed. So yeah, this thread isn't about you, sweetie!

[Anonymous]

OP...you didn't get the memo. Women are the planners whether we want to be or not. We take on the psychic energy of the family and have to remember everything. Men can handle assignments, but they can't handle the planning of everything. God knows how/why they run most corporations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

You actually can ban watching them in your house before the holiday meal, or instead draw up expectations for who helps with what and let grown up sports fans figure out how to do both. Seems to work pretty well in our house, anyway. Actually, it's BIL, not DH, who's a big sports fan. He will occasionally even record a game over Thanksgiving in order to participate in/help with dinner and watch it later...works as long as we keep social media at bay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...you didn't get the memo. Women are the planners whether we want to be or not. We take on the psychic energy of the family and have to remember everything. Men can handle assignments, but they can't handle the planning of everything. God knows how/why they run most corporations.

In many cases, quite badly, it seems.

[Anonymous]

I think in every relationship, there is one who is better at the things the OP is ranting about.

In my relationship, my DH is better at remembering special occasions. I, on the other hand, am better at picking out just the right card/gift for the events he remembers.
So, we work as a team. He mentions the upcoming event, and I get the card/gift.
Works well for us!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

When my DH said he wanted to host our first Thanksgiving I said "great! I'll make some sides, but the turkey is 100% your responsibility". And then anytime Thanksgiving came up I said "great! but if you want it to be at our house, you are doing the turkey". He loved it. Man make meat, beats chest. (And his mom held his hand through a lot of it but I didn't care because I was drinking wine in another room!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

In our family, the tradition is that the women do the cooking and the men do the cleaning.
Works great.
The women get to relax after a holiday meal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

In our family, the tradition is that the women do the cooking and the men do the cleaning.
Works great.
The women get to relax after a holiday meal!

Same. Set precedent, gets done. If the men are allowed to chill and do nothing, they might. In our house, that just won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your thread is so lame you could have just posted on the other thread.

Actually i am responsible for buying gifts for his family. DH travels a lot. His hours are ridiculous. I SAH. For the breakdown of duties in our house, it makes the most sense for me to be in charge of all gift purchasing and sending. It's not really a difficult task.

Also, DH is the worst gift giver. I'd hate to inflict his brand of thoughtfulness on his family. He has many talents, but gift giving is not one of them. His family knows I'm in charge of such things and they talk to me about gifts.

I also plan vacations and visits to his family. Often he can't go with us because of his work schedule. They know to talk to me about travel plans, because DH is just along for the ride.

It all depends on how couples choose to break down the duties in their family. Sometimes it all falls on the DW. Sometimes it all falls on the DH. Sometimes they split it evenly. It's not up to you to dictate how other people celebrate their family's holidays.

Clearly, you are not who the OP is talking about, because you and your husband are on the same page about this stuff (division of labor), and it is getting DONE. So no one in his family feels slighted or insulted or whatever. By working with you, communicating, and dividing up labor with you, HE IS taking responsibility for his family. In some families, there is no communication and division of labor, it's not getting done...but then the woman gets blamed. So yeah, this thread isn't about you, sweetie!

You're going to join in on a thread about sexist attitudes and call someone sweetie? Lol. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...you didn't get the memo. Women are the planners whether we want to be or not. We take on the psychic energy of the family and have to remember everything. Men can handle assignments, but they can't handle the planning of everything. God knows how/why they run most corporations.

Myths like this are what drive behavior and expectation. Stop. It. Men can handle calendars, phones, and credit cards. Really. No, really.