judging my best friend's choices

[Anonymous]

i'm an only child and my closest friend is like a sister to me. she lives in london, so i don't see her often, but we talk/text every day. about six months ago she met a guy on a work trip (she is married, two children) and spent the night in her hotel room - she completely blacked out, had no recollection of the evening, and although she drinks a lot, i didn't think that she had consciously decided to sleep in his hotel room because she was absolutely distraught afterward. said she wanted nothing to do with him, etc. then several weeks later she tells me she has been talking to him because her husband isn't giving her the attention she needs and she thought she might have feelings for this other guy (who is also married). i, of course, am not supportive of this and tell her i don't think wanting attention is a good enough reason to cheat on her husband but i agree they are going through a hard time. long story short, their relationship becomes much more strained because her husband's mother died and he basically was too drunk to get out of bed for several weeks. she ends up meeting up with the other guy for a THIRD time and lies to me about it. I only found out because she is now pregnant with her third child and she confessed that she had slept with the other guy when she saw him six weeks ago (though its not his). i'm livid and also disappointed - she's acting insane and trashy. i don't really know how to be close with her right now. she is also someone who projects this "perfect" image to the world via social media which drives me insane for some reason.

anyway - any advice? do you think i can compartmentalize some of this a bit and support her right now through her pregnancy? i just feel like this is a toxic mess and i don't want to be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this - she had borderline personality disorder. I distanced myself from her because her life was a series of episodes like this, and it wasn't going to change.

There is nothing you can do at this point but watch the fireworks.

[Anonymous]

I went through this with a friend. She wasn't married yet but he was. She was the LAST person I would have ever thought would get involved with a married man. She got pregnant, miscarried, and finally moved on. She met her husband, they got married, and a few years into her marriage she found out first guy was getting a divorce. She called me all the time with "what do I do." I'm like, "what do you MEAN what do you do?" After I finally connected the dots that she only ever called me when her husband was out of town (so she could talk about the first guy) I told her I won't scold her and act all judgey but I also won't be a participant and that she couldn't do that anymore. She eventually recommitted to her marriage and let this fantasy go, and there was no lasting damage to our relationship, which remains strong 20+ years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm an only child and my closest friend is like a sister to me. she lives in london, so i don't see her often, but we talk/text every day. about six months ago she met a guy on a work trip (she is married, two children) and spent the night in her hotel room - she completely blacked out, had no recollection of the evening, and although she drinks a lot, i didn't think that she had consciously decided to sleep in his hotel room because she was absolutely distraught afterward. said she wanted nothing to do with him, etc. then several weeks later she tells me she has been talking to him because her husband isn't giving her the attention she needs and she thought she might have feelings for this other guy (who is also married). i, of course, am not supportive of this and tell her i don't think wanting attention is a good enough reason to cheat on her husband but i agree they are going through a hard time. long story short, their relationship becomes much more strained because her husband's mother died and he basically was too drunk to get out of bed for several weeks. she ends up meeting up with the other guy for a THIRD time and lies to me about it. I only found out because she is now pregnant with her third child and she confessed that she had slept with the other guy when she saw him six weeks ago (though its not his). i'm livid and also disappointed - she's acting insane and trashy. i don't really know how to be close with her right now. she is also someone who projects this "perfect" image to the world via social media which drives me insane for some reason.

anyway - any advice? do you think i can compartmentalize some of this a bit and support her right now through her pregnancy? i just feel like this is a toxic mess and i don't want to be a part of it.

Why continue with such a shitty person??

[Anonymous]

While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this in college and honestly, it was too exhausting for me. First, she ran off with her high school sweetheart/fiance for a year in Italy, then comes back home and almost immediately decides he is "just" a history major and will never amount to anything, then she started sleeping with gross guys before breaking up with her fiance, then she would come to get togethers with my friends completely drunk, bringing a stranger that she would then make out with in front of everybody, except we were all sober and just wanted to watch our movie and have pizza in peace.

I ghosted her. I'm not proud of it, but I just couldn't deal with that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

People like this aren't actually good friends. When the spotlight is not on them, they have a way of disappearing. They have trouble staying in one place...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

In that case, I think you're both crazy.

[Anonymous]

Livid seems like a strange reaction on your part. Surprised, disappointed, or disapproving, ok , but livid? You are taking her behavior too personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

+1
I'm the same way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Livid seems like a strange reaction on your part. Surprised, disappointed, or disapproving, ok , but livid? You are taking her behavior too personally.

Livid that she lied to me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your friend is just going through a transitional, rough time in her life and needs your sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

+1
I'm the same way

Agree!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Livid seems like a strange reaction on your part. Surprised, disappointed, or disapproving, ok , but livid? You are taking her behavior too personally.

Livid that she lied to me.

I see and I get that. Your friendship is such that you believe she shouldn't lie to you about anything. If that's the case, your friendship is such that you also have to try to be as non-judmental as possible.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so judgemental. If this person is really your best friend, try to find empathy for her. Chances are, this is just a passing phase.