judging my best friend's choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't condone her actions, I think that she probably does need a friend. I've seen my friends through some pretty crazy stuff and have been a good, solid, nonjudgmental friend. You might be surprised and find yourself needing a nonjudgmental friend someday, and she'd probably be happy to return the favor.

This is IMO what a real friend does. You say she's your best friend and that you talk every day even though she's in London. So you care about this person. Something about her made you like her and feel close to her.

Instead of giving in to your judgment or being livid, ask yourself: what did it take for this person I like and care about to get to this point? What would it take to get me flailing wildly for sex or affection or attention? What would I do if my husband were drunk in bed for an extended period?


Sit with that thought. Then consider whether you'd want someone to abandon you in such circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to pick which way you want things to go. Either you want her to be truthful and you don't judge or you rather not know because you don't agree with it and feel strongly about the subject. I'm probably the squarest among one set of friends and they honestly where to draw the line. When it comes to cheating in a marriage I will be honest and say that having lived thru adultery/divorce with my parents it is a hot button topic for me that brings back a lot of painful memories. I understand that situations can be different and there can be areas of gray, but I still believe the best course for my parents would have been to either really try to save the marriage or divorce so they could have an honest out in the open relationship with someone that might be a better partner.

If you think she is a good person and a good friend, focus on that. Also encourage her in getting the support she needs to get thru the rough patch in her marriage. The whole Facebook, perfect life is a myth. No one has a perfect life so I wouldn't get wound around that. I warn my kids about social media being a permanent record and the importance of never posting something you wouldn't want your mom to read. So of course your friend isn't going to post about marriage troubles (short of actually divorcing) on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your friends backstory, obviously, but if this is truly out of character for her, which it sounds like it is (you didn't think she'd lie to you, for instance) I'd be concerned about her rather than livid. Or at least, once I got over being livid. If it's becoming too much for you, you need to distance yourself into supporting her in the ways you can manage. Also, I don't think support = stupidity. You should be able to tell her "hey, I'm here for you, but I don't agree with the choices you're making" if she's a real friend to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm an only child and my closest friend is like a sister to me. she lives in london, so i don't see her often, but we talk/text every day. about six months ago she met a guy on a work trip (she is married, two children) and spent the night in her hotel room - she completely blacked out, had no recollection of the evening, and although she drinks a lot, i didn't think that she had consciously decided to sleep in his hotel room because she was absolutely distraught afterward. said she wanted nothing to do with him, etc. then several weeks later she tells me she has been talking to him because her husband isn't giving her the attention she needs and she thought she might have feelings for this other guy (who is also married). i, of course, am not supportive of this and tell her i don't think wanting attention is a good enough reason to cheat on her husband but i agree they are going through a hard time. long story short, their relationship becomes much more strained because her husband's mother died and he basically was too drunk to get out of bed for several weeks. she ends up meeting up with the other guy for a THIRD time and lies to me about it. I only found out because she is now pregnant with her third child and she confessed that she had slept with the other guy when she saw him six weeks ago (though its not his). i'm livid and also disappointed - she's acting insane and trashy. i don't really know how to be close with her right now. she is also someone who projects this "perfect" image to the world via social media which drives me insane for some reason.

anyway - any advice? do you think i can compartmentalize some of this a bit and support her right now through her pregnancy? i just feel like this is a toxic mess and i don't want to be a part of it.

Welcome to the exciting world of siblings! OP, this is your basic family drama. You're lucky you have the flexibility of how to react to your friend's situation. It is much more difficult with family where you're expected to accept them unconditionally.

If you want my advice--don't sweat it. It will work itself out one way or another. As long as you don't allow yourself to be swallowed by your friend's drama, you and your friendship will be fine. It's a stupid phase, so let it run out. People (family or not) will continue to puzzle and disappoint you if you expect too much from them. So lower your expectations to absolute zero and enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably ghost on her. She sounds very taxing and I wouldn't trust her around my husband.

[Anonymous]

Well she is cheating with a married man. Think of the woman who is married to that man...not cool. Who cares if she cheats on her husband. It's his fault she is cheating anyways. Your friend's husband is an ass...those poor childern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well she is cheating with a married man. Think of the woman who is married to that man...not cool. Who cares if she cheats on her husband. It's his fault she is cheating anyways. Your friend's husband is an ass...those poor childern.

wow, project much? with only a partial piece of the story at best, you just dump blame on the man - typical DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to pick which way you want things to go. Either you want her to be truthful and you don't judge or you rather not know because you don't agree with it and feel strongly about the subject. I'm probably the squarest among one set of friends and they honestly where to draw the line. When it comes to cheating in a marriage I will be honest and say that having lived thru adultery/divorce with my parents it is a hot button topic for me that brings back a lot of painful memories. I understand that situations can be different and there can be areas of gray, but I still believe the best course for my parents would have been to either really try to save the marriage or divorce so they could have an honest out in the open relationship with someone that might be a better partner.

If you think she is a good person and a good friend, focus on that. Also encourage her in getting the support she needs to get thru the rough patch in her marriage. The whole Facebook, perfect life is a myth. No one has a perfect life so I wouldn't get wound around that. I warn my kids about social media being a permanent record and the importance of never posting something you wouldn't want your mom to read. So of course your friend isn't going to post about marriage troubles (short of actually divorcing) on Facebook.

This. I'd tell her frankly that I love her and support her emotionally but that I'm having a hard time hearing and not judging. That way you can support her and she can support you having a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Livid seems like a strange reaction on your part. Surprised, disappointed, or disapproving, ok , but livid? You are taking her behavior too personally.

Livid that she lied to me.

People having affairs lie. She might be embarrassed. She's obviously going through something. Is compassion possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably ghost on her. She sounds very taxing and I wouldn't trust her around my husband.

Because ghosting people is a good tactic.