Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

I work, I make over $200k, DH works a lot too, makes more but is volatile income, we have two little Pre-K kids and a live-out nanny.

Someone asked me the other day if I have ever considered quitting my career and staying at home with the kids. Q1 - Why did you or your spouse do it?

I would strongly consider it as, while it is hard work too, I think it would be best for the kids. But I also won't consider it because I have a great fear that it would cause my husband to "check out" even more. He already doesn't pay attention to any going on with the house, yard, kids, vacations, or family and it has been a real struggle for me. I feel I don't have a partner to help plan or tackle anything coming up in our lives. Meanwhile, he is not like that at work or with his parents or with friends he wants to impress.

DH would like me to stay at home, but because he feels it would be best way to run the household smoothly. I feel it would build greater resentment, I already do close to everything and have tried various tactics to get him more involved but he just isn't. He doesn't even make time to talk about decisions or deadlines we have coming up (e.g. plan 4 of july trip, his parents want to visit for 2-3 weeks, summer camp or not, what lawn service, etc.).

Q2 - What would you do if you were me?

[Anonymous]

Do NOT do this.

[Anonymous]

Do not quit your job. Your DH has checked out. You need to think about your kids. Get counseling or leave.

[Anonymous]

I think that household responsibility split is common, whether it's fair or not when both parties work. At your income level, I'd focus on outsourcing what you can (get a weekly cleaner who does laundry, food delivery, etc) to make life easier. I wouldn't quit a $200k job to stay home, unless that was something you were really strongly driven to do. I say this as a SAHM. There's a lot of mindless grind, and if you resent your dh now, I don't think being at home will make it better.

[Anonymous]

oof, no, do not quit your job. What nerve of your DH to suggest that you take on EVEN MORE unpaid labor! Instead, invest even more in your job, and spend the extra money outsourcing everything you can to make your life easier.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you just don't do anything (eg don't coordinate with his parents do visit and if the email or text about it forward it to him)?

[Anonymous]

My husband was a SAHD for a while. Under a year. But in that time he took a few cooking courses, he built an edible garden, built a chicken coop, worked as an independent contractor and started up a law firm. It was never meant to be a permanent thing.

[Anonymous]

you need couples counseling stat.

that's what it took to get a better of family type labor in our house. I was killing myself trying to keep the household going.

do not quit job.

[Anonymous]

+1. DO NOT SAHM. Your DH will only get worse. He's already treating you like an unpaid secretary and he will expect even more and contribute even less.

Tell him and see if he changes his ways.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, do not quit your job. It will not suddenly make your DH more loving and involved. It will instead put everything even more squarely on you, and could lead to controlling behavior from him.

Do not put yourself in a position of being dependent on him, because that have that he has checked out suggests big trouble ahead.

[Anonymous]

OP, simplify. People tend to check out when they're overwhelmed. You sound over-scheduled and stressed with all that "emotional labor" you create for yourself. Quit the crap. Outsource what must be done. Whether you should work or SAH is your preference, really, because it sounds like you could afford it.

[Anonymous]

I think your kids will be better off, and contrary to the above, I think your marriage has a chance to improve if you were a SAHM, providing your family can afford it.

[Anonymous]

+1. Pleeease fon't quit your job. DH's income is volatile, so quitting your job is not a good idea. I would see if you can outsource more administrative stuff, i.e. use a travel agent to plan vacation. If his parents want to visit, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work, I make over $200k, DH works a lot too, makes more but is volatile income, we have two little Pre-K kids and a live-out nanny.

Someone asked me the other day if I have ever considered quitting my career and staying at home with the kids. Q1 - Why did you or your spouse do it?

I would strongly consider it as, while it is hard work too, I think it would be best for the kids. But I also won't consider it because I have a great fear that it would cause my husband to "check out" even more. He already doesn't pay attention to any going on with the house, yard, kids, vacations, or family and it has been a real struggle for me. I feel I don't have a partner to help plan or tackle anything coming up in our lives. Meanwhile, he is not like that at work or with his parents or with friends he wants to impress.

DH would like me to stay at home, but because he feels it would be best way to run the household smoothly. I feel it would build greater resentment, I already do close to everything and have tried various tactics to get him more involved but he just isn't. He doesn't even make time to talk about decisions or deadlines we have coming up (e.g. plan 4 of july trip, his parents want to visit for 2-3 weeks, summer camp or not, what lawn service, etc.).

Q2 - What would you do if you were me?

Does doing double duty make you feel better? Then keep doing it.

Looks ridiculous to me, especially when you have no good excuse for doing that.

[Anonymous]

I know way too many middle aged women who stayed home and did everything their husbands wanted. Then, their husbands found new, younger women. And, they ditched their wives who had stayed home. Now they can only get minimum waged jobs they could have had when they were in high school. Some of these women were high powered lawyers and business people. But, they've been out of the work world too long. It sucks but that's how it is.