Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

I think you should just start making your own decisions more and outsourcing more. Not about stuff that requires his presence like family visits, or about important parenting decisions, but I think it's fine for one person to do the boring things like choosing a lawn service. Then you can pick your battles and demand his time and input on the things you really care about.

My DH really dislikes being peppered with questions throughout the day when he isn't expecting it or is thinking about something else. It helps us to have a set time of the week to discuss these things. That way I can just add something to the week's list and know that we will talk it through at our set time (which is Saturday afternoon while our kids nap/play quietly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many middle aged women who stayed home and did everything their husbands wanted. Then, their husbands found new, younger women. And, they ditched their wives who had stayed home. Now they can only get minimum waged jobs they could have had when they were in high school. Some of these women were high powered lawyers and business people. But, they've been out of the work world too long. It sucks but that's how it is.

You know way too many of the wrong people.

I know couples who split the responsibilities without going crazy. One earns the money, while the other manages the household. And their marriages manage to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many middle aged women who stayed home and did everything their husbands wanted. Then, their husbands found new, younger women. And, they ditched their wives who had stayed home. Now they can only get minimum waged jobs they could have had when they were in high school. Some of these women were high powered lawyers and business people. But, they've been out of the work world too long. It sucks but that's how it is.

You know way too many of the wrong people.

I know couples who split the responsibilities without going crazy. One earns the money, while the other manages the household. And their marriages manage to survive.

This only works if the breadwinner respects the importance of the other person's role. And OP's DH clearly does not respect it.

[Anonymous]

You could end up bored, resentful and unfulfilled. A SAHM who has an affair to break up the mundane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, simplify. People tend to check out when they're overwhelmed. You sound over-scheduled and stressed with all that "emotional labor" you create for yourself. Quit the crap. Outsource what must be done. Whether you should work or SAH is your preference, really, because it sounds like you could afford it.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to get a thoughtful or researched response from him on which company to hire for what. Just hire the one you like and if he complains about it later give him the company's web address and tell him you'd be fine if he wants to switch it. Same with vacation details and EVERYTHING else except for visits from his family. Unless you really want them to visit, tell his family to contact him regarding the dates and everything else related to their visit.

[Anonymous]

The decision to be a SAHM sounds nuts in your situation. You are the stable income earner. That right there points to the main reason why you should work and your husband, if anything, should be the default parent or SAHP. He isn't it seems and your idea doesn't address the bigger point which is you are married to someone who isn't helping to contribute to your family either in terms of income or in terms of nurturing. You are functionally a single parent, OP.

Here is the screwed up thing. I don't think leaving your husband is going to fix the issue. Here is what happened to my best friend who left her husband in a similar scenario as yours OP. My friend was a physician who was making decent money. Her ex was in sales but was marginally employed. The guy was also lazy and didn't do much with the kids (3 of 'em). So, OP, my friend filed for divorce and sought main physical custody since she's the default parent, blah blah. Welp. Her ex also filed for custody and alimony and child support and in an attempt to avoid a protracted legal battle my friend writes a monthly check in alimony and child support to her ex who either doesn't show up on his custody days or schleps the kids to his parents. My friend is probably going to try to get things adjusted, but right now, she is working, trying to keep her kids' in a good mental space, and just trying to keep her sanity. It's horrible, OP.

Here is the advice my friend gives women who are in your situation. It will be cheaper and easier to hire out for help than to blow things up. She regrets not biding her time until the kids were grown because she didn't hate her ex, she just felt like she was a single mom in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, My husband is the same way, only I SAH. He was this way before kids, too, not that he didn't want to be involved in division of labor, only that he thinks if there is something neither of us wants to do, we should outsource it if we can afford to. He works long hours and is happy to outsource everything else. He is happy for me to be at home or work, but I take care of all the management of the household and child care whether I work or not. It's what I want to do, though, so my husband and I are a good match in that regard.

In your case, if I made $200K, I would keep working and spend the extra money on outsourcing everything else so that you can maximize time with kids. Hire a housekeeper that comes for a few hours daily to clean the dishes, prep dinner, make kids' lunches, do laundry, clean house, run errands... so you can just come home and focus on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, My husband is the same way, only I SAH. He was this way before kids, too, not that he didn't want to be involved in division of labor, only that he thinks if there is something neither of us wants to do, we should outsource it if we can afford to. He works long hours and is happy to outsource everything else. He is happy for me to be at home or work, but I take care of all the management of the household and child care whether I work or not. It's what I want to do, though, so my husband and I are a good match in that regard.

In your case, if I made $200K, I would keep working and spend the extra money on outsourcing everything else so that you can maximize time with kids. Hire a housekeeper that comes for a few hours daily to clean the dishes, prep dinner, make kids' lunches, do laundry, clean house, run errands... so you can just come home and focus on the kids.

You can't "maximize" time with the kids when you're gone most of the time.

Ever read, "The Myth of Quality Time"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, My husband is the same way, only I SAH. He was this way before kids, too, not that he didn't want to be involved in division of labor, only that he thinks if there is something neither of us wants to do, we should outsource it if we can afford to. He works long hours and is happy to outsource everything else. He is happy for me to be at home or work, but I take care of all the management of the household and child care whether I work or not. It's what I want to do, though, so my husband and I are a good match in that regard.

In your case, if I made $200K, I would keep working and spend the extra money on outsourcing everything else so that you can maximize time with kids. Hire a housekeeper that comes for a few hours daily to clean the dishes, prep dinner, make kids' lunches, do laundry, clean house, run errands... so you can just come home and focus on the kids.

Do people have a full-time nanny and a housekeeper? How many times does a housekeeper come over a week?

[Anonymous]

In your situation if you are happy working no. I choose to stay home as I was miserable making my husband miserable. I was making about $70000, but my take home was about $3000 a month after taxes, health care, social security, union dues and all that. The day cares near my work were around $2000 for an infant, minus gas (another $150 or so a month), clothing, lunches and the stress of working, so in the end, financially it didn't pay to stay or find another job. If I made your income, I'd probably would have stayed or tried to work part-time. Is working part-time an option?

[Anonymous]

Get a wife of your own.

Wife: Stays at home and thinks, plans and executes everything in your family's life while you work at the office or play out of the office.

[Anonymous]

Don't stay home, keep that income coming in. At 200K, hiring help will be much cheaper than foregoing your salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not quit your job. Your DH has checked out. You need to think about your kids. Get counseling or leave.

+1

Do NOT SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many middle aged women who stayed home and did everything their husbands wanted. Then, their husbands found new, younger women. And, they ditched their wives who had stayed home. Now they can only get minimum waged jobs they could have had when they were in high school. Some of these women were high powered lawyers and business people. But, they've been out of the work world too long. It sucks but that's how it is.

You know way too many of the wrong people.

I know couples who split the responsibilities without going crazy. One earns the money, while the other manages the household. And their marriages manage to survive.

This only works if the breadwinner respects the importance of the other person's role. And OP's DH clearly does not respect it.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a wife of your own.

Wife: Stays at home and thinks, plans and executes everything in your family's life while you work at the office or play out of the office.

This. Hire a more expensive nanny/household manager or second person for that role. My feeling is that if DH doesn't want to do his share, then he can pay someone else to do it (so can you, obviously).

You do as much as you want/can handle, and outsource the rest. This won't change you being angry that DH isn't a better husband and father, but it will hopefully change your feelings of resentment. You can enjoy your children and the rest of your life.

This is what a high income can buy you. Use it to keep your family together.