Moving past the past with family member

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who recently had many rough years involving substance abuse, mental illness and the only constant was telling lie after lie. Yes, I know that's par for the course with substance abuse, especially. Throughout it all I tried to be supportive without enabling, but it was pretty tough. We never knew what to believe. This whole time period lasted around 10 years.

The family member has been doing better recently, which is great to see. What's been difficult for me is just moving past it all. The family member has never acknowledged what they put the family through and just wants to pretend the past 10 years haven't happened. I do understand why that might be easier for them, but it's been more difficult for me. I find myself holding them at arm's length. In the past whenever someone called them out on anything, they would use it as an excuse to relapse and blame it on the person who said something that wasn't 100% sunshine and rainbows. I'm not saying I want to call them out--just that I don't know how to go along with pretending all of this never even happened.

I know I can't control anyone's actions besides my own. I do want to have a relationship with this person, but I can't seem to just pretend the past 10 years haven't happened. How can I approach this?

[Anonymous]

I do want to have a relationship with this person

For now - drop this. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Hard work is required of this person. And time needs to pass for others to see that there is sincere and lasting change.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried al-anon meetings? I haven't been but have heard great things.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering about that, too. My sibling is currently a complete wreck, and I've wondered what will happen when or if he comes out on the other side of it. Will I be able to put the harmful past behind me?

I don't know what your family situation is like, but I could be polite at family gatherings for sure. However, I doubt I would trust the person for quite awhile. I would want to see significant improvement over a period of time. In my case my sibling was hurting his kids (emotional abuse). I'd have to see that things were much better, that he was getting therapy to learn good parenting skills, etc. If he failed to make any attempts at improvement, I'd be very hard pressed to let go of my anger and resentment.

That is a long way of asking, do you think you can find a boundary that feels comfortable to you, but lets this person in at least superficially, like family gatherings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering about that, too. My sibling is currently a complete wreck, and I've wondered what will happen when or if he comes out on the other side of it. Will I be able to put the harmful past behind me?

I don't know what your family situation is like, but I could be polite at family gatherings for sure. However, I doubt I would trust the person for quite awhile. I would want to see significant improvement over a period of time. In my case my sibling was hurting his kids (emotional abuse). I'd have to see that things were much better, that he was getting therapy to learn good parenting skills, etc. If he failed to make any attempts at improvement, I'd be very hard pressed to let go of my anger and resentment.

That is a long way of asking, do you think you can find a boundary that feels comfortable to you, but lets this person in at least superficially, like family gatherings?

OP here. I can be polite at family gatherings. But they will call me and want to have long chats and keeps saying that they miss our old relationship and we should talk more often and they ask when I'm going to visit them (we don't live in the same state), and I'm just not ready for that yet. They have made some attempts at improvement, but some wounds are too deep. This person lost custody of their kids due to what happened, and doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for the havoc they wreaked on lives other than their own. I was in a few situations where I literally feared for my life and I'm not exaggerating a bit.

I know it's not fair for them to be punished forever for what happened in the past, but I also can't just forget it like they appear to want me to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering about that, too. My sibling is currently a complete wreck, and I've wondered what will happen when or if he comes out on the other side of it. Will I be able to put the harmful past behind me?

I don't know what your family situation is like, but I could be polite at family gatherings for sure. However, I doubt I would trust the person for quite awhile. I would want to see significant improvement over a period of time. In my case my sibling was hurting his kids (emotional abuse). I'd have to see that things were much better, that he was getting therapy to learn good parenting skills, etc. If he failed to make any attempts at improvement, I'd be very hard pressed to let go of my anger and resentment.

That is a long way of asking, do you think you can find a boundary that feels comfortable to you, but lets this person in at least superficially, like family gatherings?

OP here. I can be polite at family gatherings. But they will call me and want to have long chats and keeps saying that they miss our old relationship and we should talk more often and they ask when I'm going to visit them (we don't live in the same state), and I'm just not ready for that yet. They have made some attempts at improvement, but some wounds are too deep. This person lost custody of their kids due to what happened, and doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for the havoc they wreaked on lives other than their own. I was in a few situations where I literally feared for my life and I'm not exaggerating a bit.

I know it's not fair for them to be punished forever for what happened in the past, but I also can't just forget it like they appear to want me to.

Im the PP you are responding to, and I COMPLETELY believe you. Sounds like we have some similar stuff going on, unfortunately.

Recovering alcoholics are supposed to not only apologize, but try to make amends. They can't always, of course, but they should at least try to restore "justice" wherever they did damage. And I think of my sibling like that. I have never expected perfection of any sort, from any one. But I teach my son when you make a mistake, you apologize, you "try to correct it," and you try your best to never do it again. Those last two steps are even more important. If you don't see any of that, from this person, I think I'd keep those boundaries up. I would not be afraid to tell them, "I'm so happy you are doing better. Really. But you did a lot of damage in those 10 years, and I hope you understand it will take awhile for me to get past that and trust again. Let's take this slowly. Please respect my wishes in this." Or whatever feels best for you. If they can't handle that, they aren't really recovering. This is a step they can't just skip.

[Anonymous]

I will never move past some things my mother has done. Period. I owe it to myself to put a considerable amount of distance. This does not mean I don't have contact with her: actually, I talk to her on the phone several times a week, and superficially we appear to be very close. But we see each other in person once a year and preferably never at her house! The situation is that I love her, but can't trust her judgement in any way and have to be wary of what untreated hyper-anxiety will make her do. All I hope is that my father lives a long and healthy life, so that he can continue to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

But they will call me and want to have long chats and keeps saying that they miss our old relationship and we should talk more often and they ask when I'm going to visit them (we don't live in the same state)

They are asking of you - your time, your money spent to visit, your support. They are asking of you. I don't hear focusing on what they can do for you - I don't hear them apologizing, or having genuine remorse. You said they don't, so Op, they aren't there yet, not remorseful OR this could backslide into manipulation (emotional manipulation) - them needing you to fulfill their needs. And if you don't, they way they want, in the amount they want, once again you will be the bad person.

[Anonymous]

If you are in a situation like this where the person was a substance abuser, be honest. Because if the person is genuine about being sober and getting sober, they will acknowledge what they did. They will take responsibility. They need to. Don't be cruel, just be honest.

"Larlo, I want to have you back in my life, but it's hard for me to get past all the times you stole money from me, and that time that you left me stranded on the freeway, I just can't forget that. I want you to know that I just don't trust you yet."