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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm wondering about that, too.  My sibling is currently a complete wreck, and I've wondered what will happen when or if he comes out on the other side of it.  Will I be able to put the harmful past behind me?

I don't know what your family situation is like, but I could be polite at family gatherings for sure.   However, I doubt I would trust the person for quite awhile.  I would want to see significant improvement over a period of time.  In my case my sibling was hurting his kids (emotional abuse).  I'd have to see that things were much better, that he was getting therapy to learn good parenting skills, etc.  If he failed to make any attempts at improvement, I'd be very hard pressed to let go of my anger and resentment.

That is a long way of asking, do you think you can find a boundary that feels comfortable to you, but lets this person in at least superficially, like family gatherings?  [/quote]

OP here. I can be polite at family gatherings. But they will call me and want to have long chats and keeps saying that they miss our old relationship and we should talk more often and they ask when I'm going to visit them (we don't live in the same state), and I'm just not ready for that yet. They have made some attempts at improvement, but some wounds are too deep. This person lost custody of their kids due to what happened, and doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for the havoc they wreaked on lives other than their own.[b] I was in a few situations where I literally feared for my life and I'm not exaggerating a bit. [/b]

I know it's not fair for them to be punished forever for what happened in the past, but I also can't just forget it like they appear to want me to. [/quote]

Im the PP you are responding to, and I COMPLETELY believe you.   Sounds like we have some similar stuff going on, unfortunately.

Recovering alcoholics are supposed to not only apologize, but try to make amends.  They can't always, of course, but they should at least try to restore "justice" wherever they did damage.   And I think of my sibling like that.  I have never expected perfection of any sort, from any one.   But I teach my son when you make a mistake, you apologize, you "try to correct it," and you try your best to never do it again.  Those last two steps are even more important.  If you don't see any of that, from this person, I think I'd keep those boundaries up.  I would not be afraid to tell them, "I'm so happy you are doing better.  Really.   But you did a lot of damage in those 10 years, and I hope you understand it will take awhile for me to get past that and trust again. Let's take this slowly.  Please respect my wishes in this."  Or whatever feels best for you.  If they can't handle that, they aren't really recovering.   This is a step they can't just skip.[/quote]

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