my teen daughter

[Anonymous]

DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me.
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests.
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work.
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

[Anonymous]

You need to get on the same page as spouse, asap.

[Anonymous]

Only child, by chance?

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you taken away her phone and made her earn it back?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'd take away the phone. Or at least sit her down (with DH) and say that you "will" take away the phone if she doesn't change her attitude in the house.

No more yelling and screaming. And you will do the same. No more yelling. Everyone needs to be courteous in the household.

I'd list some reasonable chores for her to do on a consistent basis. Randomly asking for her to do the dishes will meet with much more pushback than if she's responsible for doing the dishes every night, if that makes sense.

I'd focus on those two things. Relatively polite attitude toward one another in the house. And each household member has some chore responsibilities. Failure to do those things results in the loss of the phone.

[Anonymous]

You need to know what she's doing on her phone.
Do you? Most parents don't, but they absolutely need to.
Not knowing your kid's cell phone activities is serious neglect, considering what's at risk.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. My DS insults and disrespects me also and I have to walk the line between addressing it every time and sometimes just ignoring it (some may disagree, but ignoring and not escalating the issue can be the best solution as your child is looking for a reaction -- to kids a negative reaction can be just as rewarding as a positive reaction). It's painful because if you're like me, no one speaks to you worse than your own kids and you wouldn't let anyone else speak to you that way.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting this. I have the same issue with my 14 year old DD, but she has been disrespectful for a while now. This morning I had a total meltdown myself, I mean kids,two teens, totally deserved it, but I was so fed up. She will argue about any single thing, so will my son, they are lazy even though I am always asking nicely and then nicely and then nicely and then I go nuts. I feel bad about it, but unless I go nuts nothing is done, socks on the floors and clothes all over the house, like family and living room, and even on kitchen table, towels thrown on the floor after one use, or just shoved, comments like all my friends are even messier and cousins too, comments that I am crazy. DH who is now overseas is no help and in fact laments with kids that I am crazy, and then says I just say that and he would also prefer me never to lose my temper and it is best if I just do everything. I am seriously about to ship both my teens to boarding school! My son yelled at me this morning like nuts for making a "big issue over nothing" and in fact over the last week he has lost over 400 dollars worth of clothing and electronics and refuses to take responsibility for all of this, and again I am crazy. Then DH is asking me what is going on and what I should do about it, and then talks to kids about crazy mom! My DH is non confrontational and a push over to even my kids but the only person he isn't like that with is me. If he wasn't otherwise a great husband, obviously terrible in these issues, I would've ditched him years ago!

[Anonymous]

OP, teens are often difficult to deal with. It makes complete sense that you feel frustrated and disheartened.

Here's the thing: your yelling escalates the stress and conflict in the household, and I suspect that's what your DH is trying to get you to see.

Time for an alternative approach. First off, decide what you main immediate goal is in your relationship with your daughter. Do you want to enforce standards of respectful communication? Do you want to get chores done? Do you want a better attitude toward school? ONE thing at a time.

Once you've decided on your goal, YOUR task becomes working toward that goal while REMAINING CALM. One thing that is invaluable with teens is validation: acknowledge their feelings, and let them know that it's reasonable to feel those feelings. (That doesn't mean that you are endorsing how they act on those feelings, of course.)

[Anonymous]

Word of advice having been there - your DH absolutely needs to be on board and let him be the bad guy more often than not. Agree on setting limits on phone. Does it charge overnight downstairs? Also, agree with sitting down during a calm time when no one is stressed or tired. You may even consider finding a therapist for her to see on occasion. Helps with the teenage strife and also another adult telling her what's not ok and she needs to earn your trust and respect.

[Anonymous]

When I have my kid her phone, she signed a multiple page behavioral contract. If she violates her contract, the phone lives on the kitchen counter and she has to ask permission to use it. Mistake #1 was not giving her the phone with strings attached. Time to rectify that post haste.

As for the failure to get you forms to fill out in a timely manner. Tell her directly and clearly, "If you need me to fill out or sign a permission form or other required paperwork, you will need to give it to me when you receive it. If you wait until the last minute to give me these things, I will do the best I can but you may not be able to help you. That will result in you not being able to participate in activities." And then don't sweat it. If she doesn't get you a form, she loses, not you.

In regard to the no housework, tell her she is expected to keep the public areas of the home clear of her items. Shoes, backpack, coat, etc. all go in her room or their designated area. If she leaves them around, find a dedicated place in your house and dump them all there -- garage, unseen corner of living room. Also, stop doing laundry for her and stop cleaning her bathroom and her bedroom. If she isn't contributing to the household, you certainly don't have to do chores for her.

Please note. Whenever you change the status quo, people get upset. I would guess she will be worse before anything gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me.
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests.
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work.
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

OP, I am not (yet) a parent of teens so I probably don't know completely what I am talking about but here are some observations from your post.

First, you and your DH MUST TEAM UP. Someone told me once that the toddler and teen years are the hardest and these are the times that parents (mothers in particular) MUST abandon their nature-given instinct to "protect" their young from any perceived harm and TEAM UP WITH DAD. If you let him, he will most likely parent in a different way and you must be OK with that. Parents must agree on the rules and the agenda and then agree that they will support EACH OTHER in carrying it out. In other words, if you take turns being good cop/ bad cop, that is fine, as long as you are working towards the same goal.

I think you need to start with a long conversation with him (alone) about this topic. Bring in a counselor, mentor, someone from your church, etc if you need it, but start by talking it through with him. Most likely, he is afraid to hurt his sweet little baby's feelings, he is terrified that she is growing up and "leaving him" and he wants all to be fine for baby girl forever. Allow him to express these emotions without judgment, but please also make him realize that he must get over this because he is doing no one a favor by behaving in this manner. This attitude on both of your parts will create a monster.

Then you set down the rules and enforce them. She should have chores. She should not be reminded to do them. If she does, she loses phone time, which should be severely restricted anyway. Think of you and DH as the bosses at a business and her as a troublesome employee if that helps. You must deal with these issues in order to keep the whole company (family) functioning sanely.

You are the parent, OP. You and DH must start acting that way or you will continue down this garden path to real disaster in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me.
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests.
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work.
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

OP, I am not (yet) a parent of teens so I probably don't know completely what I am talking about but here are some observations from your post.

First, you and your DH MUST TEAM UP. Someone told me once that the toddler and teen years are the hardest and these are the times that parents (mothers in particular) MUST abandon their nature-given instinct to "protect" their young from any perceived harm and TEAM UP WITH DAD. If you let him, he will most likely parent in a different way and you must be OK with that. Parents must agree on the rules and the agenda and then agree that they will support EACH OTHER in carrying it out. In other words, if you take turns being good cop/ bad cop, that is fine, as long as you are working towards the same goal.

I think you need to start with a long conversation with him (alone) about this topic. Bring in a counselor, mentor, someone from your church, etc if you need it, but start by talking it through with him. Most likely, he is afraid to hurt his sweet little baby's feelings, he is terrified that she is growing up and "leaving him" and he wants all to be fine for baby girl forever. Allow him to express these emotions without judgment, but please also make him realize that he must get over this because he is doing no one a favor by behaving in this manner. This attitude on both of your parts will create a monster.

Then you set down the rules and enforce them. She should have chores. She should not be reminded to do them. If she does, she loses phone time, which should be severely restricted anyway. Think of you and DH as the bosses at a business and her as a troublesome employee if that helps. You must deal with these issues in order to keep the whole company (family) functioning sanely.

You are the parent, OP. You and DH must start acting that way or you will continue down this garden path to real disaster in a few years.

Um, if you are not the parent of a teen you should not be posting. Especially some long assed thing like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me.
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests.
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work.
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

OP, I am not (yet) a parent of teens so I probably don't know completely what I am talking about but here are some observations from your post.

First, you and your DH MUST TEAM UP. Someone told me once that the toddler and teen years are the hardest and these are the times that parents (mothers in particular) MUST abandon their nature-given instinct to "protect" their young from any perceived harm and TEAM UP WITH DAD. If you let him, he will most likely parent in a different way and you must be OK with that. Parents must agree on the rules and the agenda and then agree that they will support EACH OTHER in carrying it out. In other words, if you take turns being good cop/ bad cop, that is fine, as long as you are working towards the same goal.

I think you need to start with a long conversation with him (alone) about this topic. Bring in a counselor, mentor, someone from your church, etc if you need it, but start by talking it through with him. Most likely, he is afraid to hurt his sweet little baby's feelings, he is terrified that she is growing up and "leaving him" and he wants all to be fine for baby girl forever. Allow him to express these emotions without judgment, but please also make him realize that he must get over this because he is doing no one a favor by behaving in this manner. This attitude on both of your parts will create a monster.

Then you set down the rules and enforce them. She should have chores. She should not be reminded to do them. If she does, she loses phone time, which should be severely restricted anyway. Think of you and DH as the bosses at a business and her as a troublesome employee if that helps. You must deal with these issues in order to keep the whole company (family) functioning sanely.

You are the parent, OP. You and DH must start acting that way or you will continue down this garden path to real disaster in a few years.

It sounds like you are not a PARENT yet, not just a not a teen parent. This is like my sister who has no kids and always know better how to deal with kids than any other people who do have kids.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty typical teen behavior, so you are not alone. The best advice is to not take her bait and get angry. Set up consequences for bad behavior - being rude or not doing chores. Make it clear and then enforce what you set up. But don't get drawn into drama. Also don't be unreasonable with punishments. A day or two without a phone is plenty. And pick your battles. She doesn't need to be perfect.

And then, build up your relationship and common ground with her. Do things with her, listen to her, spend time with her. Let her talk and just listen.