Reply to my teen daughter

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me. 
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests. 
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work. 
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

[/quote]

OP, I am not (yet) a parent of teens so I probably don't know completely what I am talking about but here are some observations from your post.

First, you and your DH MUST TEAM UP. Someone told me once that the toddler and teen years are the hardest and these are the times that parents (mothers in particular) MUST abandon their nature-given instinct to "protect" their young from any perceived harm and TEAM UP WITH DAD. If you let him, he will most likely parent in a different way and you must be OK with that. Parents must agree on the rules and the agenda and then agree that they will support EACH OTHER in carrying it out. In other words, if you take turns being good cop/ bad cop, that is fine, as long as you are working towards the same goal.

I think you need to start with a long conversation with him (alone) about this topic. Bring in a counselor, mentor, someone from your church, etc if you need it, but start by talking it through with him. Most likely, he is afraid to hurt his sweet little baby's feelings, he is terrified that she is growing up and "leaving him" and he wants all to be fine for baby girl forever.  Allow him to express these emotions without judgment, but please also make him realize that he must get over this because he is doing no one a favor by behaving in this manner. This attitude on both of your parts will create a monster.

Then you set down the rules and enforce them. She should have chores. She should not be reminded to do them. If she does, she loses phone time, which should be severely restricted anyway. Think of you and DH as the bosses at a business and her as a troublesome employee if that helps. You must deal with these issues in order to keep the whole company (family) functioning sanely.

You are the parent, OP. You and DH must start acting that way or you will continue down this garden path to real disaster in a few years.[/quote]

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