my teen daughter

[Anonymous]

I have been there done that. Here is the deal. NO long talks. They won't listen and will put up the wall even higher.

I once saw a speaker talk about how young teens become toddlers again. You can't rationalize with them, they are stubborn, throw tantrums etc... The less you say, the better the relationship.

Get a dry erase boards. Put daily expectations on it:

1. Finish homework
2. Walk the Dog
3. Family dinner
4. Clean the table/run the dishwasher

Once she completes the board, she gets her phone for X amount of time. If she does not finish the board, she doesn't get her phone.

Phone and all electronics are plugged in by 9:30pm on school nights regardless. If not, she loses the phone for 48hrs.

Also, take her out on a date at least once a week. Grab starbucks, go to the mall, see a movie etc... Don't talk about your expectations. Just hang out and have fun. Tell her about your mistakes in high school. Let her know you were there too once. It can make a difference.

Lastly, mend things with your husband and get on the same page. Kids learn quickly they can divide and conquer and will try to sabotage your relationship for their benefit.

[Anonymous]

So, what does your DH suggest? If he just wants to let it go, this is a losing battle. I'd address him first. If he's not going to help out, you don't need to pick up her slack either. Start telling her to get dad to sign the late stuff, and I agree with the poster that says to stop doing anything for her chore-wise.

If DH really isn't going to bestir himself to help out, I'd also be tempted to become "best friend" mom. Otherwise, he's going to be the one she sees as the "good guy" while you're the b****. Let him get fed up with her behavior, too, rather than just benefiting from you being a hardass.

[Anonymous]

FYI - you can shut off internet access to her phone at your home. You will need a software to do this, and the IP address of her phone. You can control the time that IP address has internet access. Our kids are in ES, but we already are planning to do this, and as a a PP stated, we will be looking at their phones regularly to monitor what they are doing.

We have friends who have teens who do this. Their access to the internet shuts off at 9pm for younger teen; 10pm for older.

For the behavior stuff, all I can say is, I'm reading this thread intently. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Still not understanding why teenagers need to have a phone at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI - you can shut off internet access to her phone at your home. You will need a software to do this, and the IP address of her phone. You can control the time that IP address has internet access. Our kids are in ES, but we already are planning to do this, and as a a PP stated, we will be looking at their phones regularly to monitor what they are doing.

We have friends who have teens who do this. Their access to the internet shuts off at 9pm for younger teen; 10pm for older.

For the behavior stuff, all I can say is, I'm reading this thread intently. Sigh.

We did this -- set up the kids on a separate WiFi network ("guest" on the same router) and control that access time. Done.

My 13yo DS just lost his iPhone for a week. Huge inconvenience for all (pick up times at school, etc.) but the lesson must be learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been there done that. Here is the deal. NO long talks. They won't listen and will put up the wall even higher.

I once saw a speaker talk about how young teens become toddlers again. You can't rationalize with them, they are stubborn, throw tantrums etc... The less you say, the better the relationship.

Get a dry erase boards. Put daily expectations on it:

1. Finish homework
2. Walk the Dog
3. Family dinner
4. Clean the table/run the dishwasher

Once she completes the board, she gets her phone for X amount of time. If she does not finish the board, she doesn't get her phone.

Phone and all electronics are plugged in by 9:30pm on school nights regardless. If not, she loses the phone for 48hrs.

Also, take her out on a date at least once a week. Grab starbucks, go to the mall, see a movie etc... Don't talk about your expectations. Just hang out and have fun. Tell her about your mistakes in high school. Let her know you were there too once. It can make a difference.

Lastly, mend things with your husband and get on the same page. Kids learn quickly they can divide and conquer and will try to sabotage your relationship for their benefit.

New Poster here, this is great advice! I am copying and pasting to use with my own teen battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 14 and in high school.
I am having the toughest time dealing with her.
she is very preoccupied with her cell phone.
Tells everything last minute (like forms to be filled and signed...)
she had all A's in first and second quarter.
This third quarter interim, there are some B's and A-.
Her insults and disrespect for me is hurting me.
DD does not do a single house chore even upon multiple requests.
I understand that she has lots of homework and project work.
It was easier to converse with her earlier. Just last month or so, her whole attitude changed.

DH is not very helpful.
When DD yells and screams, he is okay with it.
but when I reply back by yelling, DH asks me to keep quiet.
I am feeling miserable.

Any feedback is helpful.

OP, I am not (yet) a parent of teens so I probably don't know completely what I am talking about but here are some observations from your post.

First, you and your DH MUST TEAM UP. Someone told me once that the toddler and teen years are the hardest and these are the times that parents (mothers in particular) MUST abandon their nature-given instinct to "protect" their young from any perceived harm and TEAM UP WITH DAD. If you let him, he will most likely parent in a different way and you must be OK with that. Parents must agree on the rules and the agenda and then agree that they will support EACH OTHER in carrying it out. In other words, if you take turns being good cop/ bad cop, that is fine, as long as you are working towards the same goal.

I think you need to start with a long conversation with him (alone) about this topic. Bring in a counselor, mentor, someone from your church, etc if you need it, but start by talking it through with him. Most likely, he is afraid to hurt his sweet little baby's feelings, he is terrified that she is growing up and "leaving him" and he wants all to be fine for baby girl forever. Allow him to express these emotions without judgment, but please also make him realize that he must get over this because he is doing no one a favor by behaving in this manner. This attitude on both of your parts will create a monster.

Then you set down the rules and enforce them. She should have chores. She should not be reminded to do them. If she does, she loses phone time, which should be severely restricted anyway. Think of you and DH as the bosses at a business and her as a troublesome employee if that helps. You must deal with these issues in order to keep the whole company (family) functioning sanely.

You are the parent, OP. You and DH must start acting that way or you will continue down this garden path to real disaster in a few years.

It sounds like you are not a PARENT yet, not just a not a teen parent. This is like my sister who has no kids and always know better how to deal with kids than any other people who do have kids.

Totally. If it's your real sister at least some people told her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI - you can shut off internet access to her phone at your home. You will need a software to do this, and the IP address of her phone. You can control the time that IP address has internet access. Our kids are in ES, but we already are planning to do this, and as a a PP stated, we will be looking at their phones regularly to monitor what they are doing.

We have friends who have teens who do this. Their access to the internet shuts off at 9pm for younger teen; 10pm for older.

For the behavior stuff, all I can say is, I'm reading this thread intently. Sigh.

We did this -- set up the kids on a separate WiFi network ("guest" on the same router) and control that access time. Done.

My 13yo DS just lost his iPhone for a week. Huge inconvenience for all (pick up times at school, etc.) but the lesson must be learned.

In the FIOS Quantum Gateway router you can block internet usage right from the router. You log into myfiosgateway.com (no www.) and login in the computer with whatever login came with your router and block away. You can even set times and days for various functions (all internet or just some sites, etc).
I also turn service off from Verizon wireless - you log in and click on that phone and click 'suspend service' (unpaid for long term, paid for temporary ).

My teen DD is a pain and will hide her device from me so I electronically turn it off.
No arguing or yelling this way but momma isn't backing down - she can kiss my irritated mom ass...

[Anonymous]

OP, and others with teens, did your teens have chores and stuff when they were younger? I'm curious if not doing their chores is part of the puberty meltdown, or, did they just never have chores, and now, of course, they don't want to do them.

I have ES kids who have chores. I'm wondering if I'm going to face the chores issue too when they hit their teens. I'm expecting some push back and doing chores grudgingly, but wondering if they will just full out rebel. I know it depends on the kid, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been there done that. Here is the deal. NO long talks. They won't listen and will put up the wall even higher.

I once saw a speaker talk about how young teens become toddlers again. You can't rationalize with them, they are stubborn, throw tantrums etc... The less you say, the better the relationship.

Get a dry erase boards. Put daily expectations on it:

1. Finish homework
2. Walk the Dog
3. Family dinner
4. Clean the table/run the dishwasher

Once she completes the board, she gets her phone for X amount of time. If she does not finish the board, she doesn't get her phone.

Phone and all electronics are plugged in by 9:30pm on school nights regardless. If not, she loses the phone for 48hrs.

Also, take her out on a date at least once a week. Grab starbucks, go to the mall, see a movie etc... Don't talk about your expectations. Just hang out and have fun. Tell her about your mistakes in high school. Let her know you were there too once. It can make a difference.

Lastly, mend things with your husband and get on the same page. Kids learn quickly they can divide and conquer and will try to sabotage your relationship for their benefit.

New Poster here, this is great advice! I am copying and pasting to use with my own teen battles.

We use this method too (I'm pp who turns off stuff via the router. Which by the way works for all wifi devices not just phones).
Putting it in writing is good for everyone. It cuts down on the negative back and forth and misunderstandings.
My DD will say that I have to put stuff in writing though - so be aware that if you don't think of it when you write it up they might call you on it.
Also we have agreed (parents and DD) to give her a weekly list so that she can do things when she chooses to which is reasonable as long as she gets them done.

She also has a lot of homework and activities but having some chores and cleaning up after yourself are essential character/ life preparation building things.

[Anonymous]

Most carriers let you control everything from when calls or texts can be made/received and when/if Internet can be used. Set the phone to make calls and texts only to you, to only have internet if she has earned hours through grades, chores, and a pleasant respectful attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, and others with teens, did your teens have chores and stuff when they were younger? I'm curious if not doing their chores is part of the puberty meltdown, or, did they just never have chores, and now, of course, they don't want to do them.

I have ES kids who have chores. I'm wondering if I'm going to face the chores issue too when they hit their teens. I'm expecting some push back and doing chores grudgingly, but wondering if they will just full out rebel. I know it depends on the kid, too.

Yes, my teens had chores when they were younger and they did them. My DD was also sweet as pie until the teen brain kicked in (my DS is much better about things).
Yes, it's part of the puberty meltdown.
But also you have to have some empathy and scale the chores back some (but still have them) considering how much they have to do.
It is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most carriers let you control everything from when calls or texts can be made/received and when/if Internet can be used. Set the phone to make calls and texts only to you, to only have internet if she has earned hours through grades, chores, and a pleasant respectful attitude.[b]

This will never happen. Certainly not all at once. We're parenting teens not puppy dogs. Is this the sister again?

[Anonymous]

Teens need the Internet to do homework. It's not as easy as earning it with good behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teens need the Internet to do homework. It's not as easy as earning it with good behavior.

I agree and it sucks. I put parental controls on her laptop. No skype, no messages, no FaceTime, no Instagram. But you can't avoid emails and Internet because they need them for school.