I think my DD's teacher is gaslighting her....

[Anonymous]

Okay, please hear me out. My DD's third grade teacher has basically diagnosed her with ADHD inattentive. She seems to misunderstand my DD in several ways. First of all, my DD is having some attention problems in her class. Her class is very hectic, but DD does have some inattentive behaviors. She will not come to her stations on time (will need several reminders that it's time to transition), and won't always be prepared with her folder. She has had some issues completing some tasks/assignments. At the same time she is reading well above grade level and has been doing work with enrichment for years. She says her teacher will ask her how her day was, or say "you had a hard day, didn't you," and then when my DD says she is fine, or didn't have a hard day the teacher will say, "yes you did!" We have implemented a few strategies to help her with her attention issues but when I ask how things are going the teacher is like, "she's very stressed." My DD however does not report feeling stressed and in fact loves going to school and comes home happy most of the time. She is a kid who is usually very vocal when she is unhappy.

I don't know what to think! I'm taking DD to the pedi to start screening for ADHD but I feel a little like this teacher is gaslighting her...like my DD isn't as compliant and easy to teach and quick with finishing her work as some of the kids in the class are, and this combined with the teacher herself being very disorganized has resulted in my DD being labelled as constantly stressed and frustrated and disorganized. Help! What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I don't think the teacher is gaslighting her. I think the teacher means "you had a hard time staying on task/schedule today."

[Anonymous]

Yes, a teacher can definitely "gaslight" in this way, whether or not they intend to. While you should definitely be objective about whether your daughter needs additional assistance, there ARE certain teachers who project or create problems in order to put kids into certain categories in their minds.

I think I'd definitely have a conversation with the teacher about the disconnect between what she says, and what your daughter says, and what you observe.

One goal of this conversation would be to focus on FACTS and not on subjectives like "you had a hard day." Especially since this teacher is, as you say, disorganized, you will have to really push her to identify the specific problems and the specific things to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the teacher is gaslighting her. I think the teacher means "you had a hard time staying on task/schedule today."

I think the teacher is being passive aggressive about the feedback. If staying on task is the issue, the say so, not putting words into the kid's mouth about how she is feeling.

OP, I would try to teach her organizational skills. You don't have to have ADHD have poor organization. I like Ann Dolin's book on Homework. Basically third grade is a watershed year. Kids need to start relying less on the teacher prompts. However, organization is a skill; it can be taught and reinforced. I'd start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, please hear me out. My DD's third grade teacher has basically diagnosed her with ADHD inattentive. She seems to misunderstand my DD in several ways. First of all, my DD is having some attention problems in her class. Her class is very hectic, but DD does have some inattentive behaviors. She will not come to her stations on time (will need several reminders that it's time to transition), and won't always be prepared with her folder.[i][u] She has had some issues completing some tasks/assignments. At the same time she is reading well above grade level and has been doing work with enrichment for years. She says her teacher will ask her how her day was, or say "you had a hard day, didn't you," and then when my DD says she is fine, or didn't have a hard day the teacher will say, "yes you did!" We have implemented a few strategies to help her with her attention issues but when I ask how things are going the teacher is like, "she's very stressed." My DD however does not report feeling stressed and in fact loves going to school and comes home happy most of the time. She is a kid who is usually very vocal when she is unhappy.

I don't know what to think! I'm taking DD to the pedi to start screening for ADHD but I feel a little like this teacher is gaslighting her...like my DD isn't as compliant and easy to teach and quick with finishing her work as some of the kids in the class are, and this combined with the teacher herself being very disorganized has resulted in my DD being labelled as constantly stressed and frustrated and disorganized. Help! What should I do?

These are real problems in third grade. Most third graders don't need any prompting to come to their stations, and only occasional reminders for stuff they need.
Just because she is happy and loves going to school, doesn't mean she didn't have a hard day as far as actually accomplishing what she was supposed to do at school.
Perhaps the teacher is projecting, but instead try approaching the teacher and talk about what strategies you can all implement to work on the real problems your DD seems to be having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a teacher can definitely "gaslight" in this way, whether or not they intend to. While you should definitely be objective about whether your daughter needs additional assistance, there ARE certain teachers who project or create problems in order to put kids into certain categories in their minds.

I think I'd definitely have a conversation with the teacher about the disconnect between what she says, and what your daughter says, and what you observe.

One goal of this conversation would be to focus on FACTS and not on subjectives like "you had a hard day." Especially since this teacher is, as you say, disorganized, you will have to really push her to identify the specific problems and the specific things to work on.

I agree it's possible. I've seen a former boss do this and sabotage to co-workers who she deemed "incompetent" which they weren't. People can be jerks. Teachers included. I say confront this head on before she undermines your daughter's confidence. At least explain to your daughter that sometimes people play mind games so your daughter doesn't think it is all in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, please hear me out. My DD's third grade teacher has basically diagnosed her with ADHD inattentive. She seems to misunderstand my DD in several ways. First of all, my DD is having some attention problems in her class. Her class is very hectic, but DD does have some inattentive behaviors. She will not come to her stations on time (will need several reminders that it's time to transition), and won't always be prepared with her folder.[i][u] She has had some issues completing some tasks/assignments. At the same time she is reading well above grade level and has been doing work with enrichment for years. She says her teacher will ask her how her day was, or say "you had a hard day, didn't you," and then when my DD says she is fine, or didn't have a hard day the teacher will say, "yes you did!" We have implemented a few strategies to help her with her attention issues but when I ask how things are going the teacher is like, "she's very stressed." My DD however does not report feeling stressed and in fact loves going to school and comes home happy most of the time. She is a kid who is usually very vocal when she is unhappy.

I don't know what to think! I'm taking DD to the pedi to start screening for ADHD but I feel a little like this teacher is gaslighting her...like my DD isn't as compliant and easy to teach and quick with finishing her work as some of the kids in the class are, and this combined with the teacher herself being very disorganized has resulted in my DD being labelled as constantly stressed and frustrated and disorganized. Help! What should I do?

These are real problems in third grade. Most third graders don't need any prompting to come to their stations, and only occasional reminders for stuff they need.
Just because she is happy and loves going to school, doesn't mean she didn't have a hard day as far as actually accomplishing what she was supposed to do at school.
Perhaps the teacher is projecting, but instead try approaching the teacher and talk about what strategies you can all implement to work on the real problems your DD seems to be having.

Agree. Instead of getting all defensive by saying the teacher is "gaslighting" your DD, OP's time will be better spent approaching the teacher and brainstorm about helping your DD.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is right to be skeptical of the teacher given her daughter is saying things that contradict what her teacher has said.

OP, I would also approach what your DD says with some skepticism as well. Is it possible she gets stressed during the day but then forgets? Or that she doesn't want to be one of those kids with a problem so she tells you everything is great?

[Anonymous]

Our elementary school needed a few more students labeled LD or would lose a special ed teacher position. They went trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our elementary school needed a few more students labeled LD or would lose a special ed teacher position. They went trolling.

This is absolutely horrible, PP. But I don't doubt it for a minute.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter happen to be sort of melodramatic? For instance, could her regular reactions to things -- reactions you are used to -- be perceived by the teacher as more negative or more "stressed" than you yourself would conclude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our elementary school needed a few more students labeled LD or would lose a special ed teacher position. They went trolling.

horrid

[Anonymous]

OP,

You just described my son, who has severe inattentive ADHD. In third grade, he could hardly ever finish his work on time, and needed constant reminders to stay on task or bring something or change stations. He existed in a world of his own.

A chaotic class will exacerbate all the disorganization and attention issues a child already has! All the children I know with inattentive ADHD were diagnosed the year that they were in a particularly difficult classroom environment. However they truly had ADHD - parents and teachers alike had ignored all previously mild signs.

Just because this teacher is ascribing feelings to your daughter that are not true, it doesn't mean everything she says is wrong. Perhaps your daughter has mild ADHD. Perhaps your daughter gives the impression she's constantly tired and uninterested, which is often noted in inattentive ADHD kids (she may also suffer from allergies and have the corresponding dark circles around her eyes).

Please note: We've had my son evaluated many times - he's in 5th grade now - and an ADHD evaluation has to be done by a specialist. Either a psychologist (ex: Stixrud practice) or a development pediatrician (ex: Dr. Conlon, but he's with Kaiser) trained and experienced in observing kids with ADHD. A general pediatrician should point you to a specialist, but DO NOT LET HIM do the evaluation, or worse, prescribe medication! For meds you need to see a psychiatrist (ex: Dr. Hemanth) with experience in prescribing for children with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You just described my son, who has severe inattentive ADHD. In third grade, he could hardly ever finish his work on time, and needed constant reminders to stay on task or bring something or change stations. He existed in a world of his own.

A chaotic class will exacerbate all the disorganization and attention issues a child already has! All the children I know with inattentive ADHD were diagnosed the year that they were in a particularly difficult classroom environment. However they truly had ADHD - parents and teachers alike had ignored all previously mild signs.

Just because this teacher is ascribing feelings to your daughter that are not true, it doesn't mean everything she says is wrong. Perhaps your daughter has mild ADHD. Perhaps your daughter gives the impression she's constantly tired and uninterested, which is often noted in inattentive ADHD kids (she may also suffer from allergies and have the corresponding dark circles around her eyes).

Please note: We've had my son evaluated many times - he's in 5th grade now - and an ADHD evaluation has to be done by a specialist. Either a psychologist (ex: Stixrud practice) or a development pediatrician (ex: Dr. Conlon, but he's with Kaiser) trained and experienced in observing kids with ADHD. A general pediatrician should point you to a specialist, but DO NOT LET HIM do the evaluation, or worse, prescribe medication! For meds you need to see a psychiatrist (ex: Dr. Hemanth) with experience in prescribing for children with ADHD.

Thank you for this helpful info! I don't think that the teacher is wrong about DD's attention issues. I do think she misunderstands DD but then again I'm not at school. Thank you for your advice getting DD evaluated.

[Anonymous]

I would ask for someone to do an informal observation in the classroom - the guidance counselor or school psychologist or an assistant principal. Then you will have some idea if your kid stands out from the others in the classroom. But also, certainly explain that what your child reports is not what the teacher reports, and that she needs to use objective language.