I think my DD's teacher is gaslighting her....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask for someone to do an informal observation in the classroom - the guidance counselor or school psychologist or an assistant principal. Then you will have some idea if your kid stands out from the others in the classroom. But also, certainly explain that what your child reports is not what the teacher reports, and that she needs to use objective language.

In a similar situation, I paid an outside consultant to do an in classroom eval for my child. Her observations were very interesting and the upshot for us was the need to switch schools. At least it's almost spring break and next year there will be a new teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask for someone to do an informal observation in the classroom - the guidance counselor or school psychologist or an assistant principal. Then you will have some idea if your kid stands out from the others in the classroom. But also, certainly explain that what your child reports is not what the teacher reports, and that she needs to use objective language.

In a similar situation, I paid an outside consultant to do an in classroom eval for my child. Her observations were very interesting and the upshot for us was the need to switch schools. At least it's almost spring break and next year there will be a new teacher.

This is OP and I was just thinking about this as an idea. Could you share the name of the person you used? Does anyone think that there would be a retaliation type thing if I used an outside person to take a look at the situation? I would love a third party observation unconnected to the school to make some observations. Will the school even allow it?

Thanks so much for the info!

[Anonymous]

NP and there are a lot of educational consultants that do this. Developmental pediatricians and behavior therapists also do observations.

Many schools will allow third-party observations but I think it's up to the principal. You'll need to sign a release. It is not uncommon for parents to do this.

May want to start with places like Dr. Black's group or Weinfeld consultants.

[Anonymous]

You should make it clear to the school that you're requesting the observation to help figure out how to help your child (rather than checking up on the teacher).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the teacher is gaslighting her. I think the teacher means "you had a hard time staying on task/schedule today."

I think the teacher is being passive aggressive about the feedback. If staying on task is the issue, the say so, not putting words into the kid's mouth about how she is feeling.

OP, I would try to teach her organizational skills. You don't have to have ADHD have poor organization. I like Ann Dolin's book on Homework. Basically third grade is a watershed year. Kids need to start relying less on the teacher prompts. However, organization is a skill; it can be taught and reinforced. I'd start there.

This was my thought. The teacher is saying "you had a hard day" to be punishing. Pretending to be understanding but basically saying, "you failed at certain things." Just tell your daughter only she knows what her day was like and ignore the teacher's comments. Still, it sounds like your daughter has some challenges with attention and organization. She may need support at home to know she is still a success even if she is a little out of step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the teacher is gaslighting her. I think the teacher means "you had a hard time staying on task/schedule today."

I think the teacher is being passive aggressive about the feedback. If staying on task is the issue, the say so, not putting words into the kid's mouth about how she is feeling.

OP, I would try to teach her organizational skills. You don't have to have ADHD have poor organization. I like Ann Dolin's book on Homework. Basically third grade is a watershed year. Kids need to start relying less on the teacher prompts. However, organization is a skill; it can be taught and reinforced. I'd start there.

This was my thought. The teacher is saying "you had a hard day" to be punishing. Pretending to be understanding but basically saying, "you failed at certain things." Just tell your daughter only she knows what her day was like and ignore the teacher's comments. Still, it sounds like your daughter has some challenges with attention and organization. She may need support at home to know she is still a success even if she is a little out of step.

This. It boggles my mind why would the teacher insists a child have had a hard day. Thankfully your daughter is not affected by this. I would have been very upset. She may or may not have ADHD. But the way the teacher is reacting is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask for someone to do an informal observation in the classroom - the guidance counselor or school psychologist or an assistant principal. Then you will have some idea if your kid stands out from the others in the classroom. But also, certainly explain that what your child reports is not what the teacher reports, and that she needs to use objective language.

In a similar situation, I paid an outside consultant to do an in classroom eval for my child. Her observations were very interesting and the upshot for us was the need to switch schools. At least it's almost spring break and next year there will be a new teacher.

This is OP and I was just thinking about this as an idea. Could you share the name of the person you used? Does anyone think that there would be a retaliation type thing if I used an outside person to take a look at the situation? I would love a third party observation unconnected to the school to make some observations. Will the school even allow it?

Thanks so much for the info!

In a similar situation we looked for a child psychologist with experience in the local school system rather than a consultant without a psych degree.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar problem, though at a slightly younger age, and got the school psychologist involved, who did her own observations, came up with a behavioral plan for the teacher to use (which was far more reasonable and effective than what the teacher was doing), and administered the AHDA checklists to all of the teachers at school who had worked with DC to get a good assessment of what was the issue.

[Anonymous]

PS - there are lots of reasons other than ADHD that a kid seems inattentive in ES. Anxiety, sensory issues, executive functioning issues, even giftedness. "The Misdiagnosed Child" is a really good book on all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar problem, though at a slightly younger age, and got the school psychologist involved, who did her own observations, came up with a behavioral plan for the teacher to use (which was far more reasonable and effective than what the teacher was doing), and administered the AHDA checklists to all of the teachers at school who had worked with DC to get a good assessment of what was the issue.

You're lucky that you got to get the school psychologist involved on what sounds like an informal basis. In our case they refused to provide any observations unless we got it through an IEP ... which we may not have gotten, and would have taken 6 months anyway.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that PP who got school psychologist involved is in DCPS or FCPS. We had no such luck with this in MCPS and had to fight our way to an IEP first and that took nearly 7 months.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your DD needs a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD. Better to find out what the issue is in third grade and get her supports like a 504 now rather than later.

Agree with PP about going to Stixrud. I would not bother with a developmental pediatrician for a 8/9 yo but just go directly to a neuropsych eval and get her some help.

Teachers are not always "tactful" when telling a parent that their child may have issues. Better to listen to the message about getting your child help than to get offended. Not sure there is a nice way of telling a parent this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD. Better to find out what the issue is in third grade and get her supports like a 504 now rather than later.

Agree with PP about going to Stixrud. I would not bother with a developmental pediatrician for a 8/9 yo but just go directly to a neuropsych eval and get her some help.

Teachers are not always "tactful" when telling a parent that their child may have issues. Better to listen to the message about getting your child help than to get offended. Not sure there is a nice way of telling a parent this.

Not necessarily. Since the teacher has such a back handed approach with what the issue is, it may be that she is a control freak who is really bothered by the kid who needs prompts. If OP's DD is ADHD, she's signs of it well b/f now both at school and home. OP, focus on teaching your kid organizational skills. Work with the teacher to set goals that based on behavior, not "feelings." Then make the decision about the necessity of an evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD. Better to find out what the issue is in third grade and get her supports like a 504 now rather than later.

Agree with PP about going to Stixrud. I would not bother with a developmental pediatrician for a 8/9 yo but just go directly to a neuropsych eval and get her some help.

Teachers are not always "tactful" when telling a parent that their child may have issues. Better to listen to the message about getting your child help than to get offended. Not sure there is a nice way of telling a parent this.

P.S. I posted a similar thread as yours when my child's teacher told us that DC may need an evaluation. Apparently this is not a skill they teach teachers before sending them into the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD. Better to find out what the issue is in third grade and get her supports like a 504 now rather than later.

Agree with PP about going to Stixrud. I would not bother with a developmental pediatrician for a 8/9 yo but just go directly to a neuropsych eval and get her some help.

Teachers are not always "tactful" when telling a parent that their child may have issues. Better to listen to the message about getting your child help than to get offended. Not sure there is a nice way of telling a parent this.

Not necessarily. Since the teacher has such a back handed approach with what the issue is, it may be that she is a control freak who is really bothered by the kid who needs prompts. If OP's DD is ADHD, she's signs of it well b/f now both at school and home. OP, focus on teaching your kid organizational skills. Work with the teacher to set goals that based on behavior, not "feelings." Then make the decision about the necessity of an evaluation.

Yeah, we had a control freak teacher too... Her rigid personality made my son's issues 1000x worse and we had problems we never had in previous grades but that did not mean that my son did not have issues either.