ivf--dealing with lack of spousal support

[Anonymous]

Please don't blast my husband--he's an incredible man in so many ways and he's a terrific father to his DD (my dear step-daughter), so I don't have any concerns about what kind of partner he's going to make once the baby is here. But I see the writing on the wall with his involvement up until we have a baby and it's not exactly what I would wish for.

After 2 years of difficulty conceiving, we are heading to IVF and I'm... well... already overwhelmed and slightly terrified. And I know I will be doing this mostly alone. By that, I mean, he's not going to be going to appointments with me (except for the retrieval, where he needs to be providing something of his own) and possibly the transfer, if I make a big enough deal about it. He will absolutely not be giving me any shots. (He missed the class you're supposed to take and he's too squeamish to help.) He doesn't seem to have any understanding of what I'm about to put myself through and therefore no empathy/sympathy. Attempts to educate him on any of it seem fairly useless. He hears the information but it just doesn't stick or he doesn't care or who knows what. He's just been... really uninvolved so far. And as I get closer and closer to the "hard" part, it's getting worse. Some of it is his job--he works very long hard hours and I'm lucky enough to have more of a 9-5 kind of job now so I get him not being able to make every appointment. And I'm guessing that after our multiple miscarriages that part of his lack of involvement is the way he protects himself from disappointment/hurt/failure. But still...

I guess I'm just thinking of all the pain and inconvenience ahead of me and a little resentful that it seems like it's mostly all on me. I'm sure this is a fairly common gripe, so forgive me for taking up your time with it. I just wish the process ahead wasn't so intimidating to me and/or that I had a partner who could be giving me some emotional support. I've tried talking to him about my feelings and it just led to a big fight where he felt accused of not loving me or not wanting a baby, so I'm inclined to just put my head down and try to motor through without whatever it is that I wish I had. I just wish it was different.

[Anonymous]

Two questions:

1. Are you sure he wants a second child? How was he before the miscarriages?
2. Are you sure he wants to undertake work he didn't have to before in order to have another child?

Okay, I lied, three questions:

3. How do you know that it will all fall on you exactly? Everything sounds speculative now, for both of you, and do you have a tendency to catastrophize?

[Anonymous]

OP, ask your clinic for recommendations of counselors they use for fertility counseling.

You are indeed dealing with some common dynamics (in yourself as well as your husband) but that doesn't mean you have to just struggle through it. A counselor who understands these stresses on relationships might be enormously helpful in giving you some coping mechanisms, ways to have conversations that might be more positive, suggestions on picking a couple of most helpful things you could ask your husband for, etc...

[Anonymous]

My husband is a bit like yours, I think. I have just made peace with it and am trying to do my part. I console myself by recognizing that there is a whole team of people working for this and supporting me such as the REs, nurses, lab technicians, the little spirits that need to take up residency in my embryos and uterus, and of course, my DH, too. If it works, it will be because we all did enough and we had good luck. If it doesn't work, there is plenty of shared responsibility to go around.

BTW - I finished the stim phase and gave myself all the shots and did a great job if I do say so myself. You've got this, OP.

[Anonymous]

I do think counseling would be helpful, for pretty much anyone dealing with infertility really. I need to do it myself but have been slacking...

Your husband sounds a lot like mine (and I agree with the PPs that this is an unfortunately common dynamic). He protects his own emotional state by not engaging with me on my feelings unless I really speak up and make him listen to me. In my opinion, the emotional stuff is the way bigger challenge than the physical. You can take yourself to appointments and give yourself shots. (Look for previous threads about the shots, you'll find a lot of us were freaked out about them ahead of time, but found they are not hard! Especially if you are doing subcutaneous shots for an egg retrieval, it's really not that bad.) So I would focus on that emotional connection and support, with professional help if need be. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Another source for emotional support for you might be a support group. Resolve has them, so does SG. A friend used one at SG and still stays in touch with folks from it.

[Anonymous]

OK, here is me not blasting your husband. ....

What do you want as a result of this thread?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sort of need to understand that your DH would not become your primary support for your emotional needs in IVF. For that, as PP suggested, you should go directly to other support group. Also, if you need to discuss anything relating IVF with DH, make it short and quick. Do not repeat, and don't discuss this everyday. Men has different wavelength about these fertility stuff and more you present the details, more he will distant himself from the topic. I learned this from going thru 5 IVF with my DH.

[Anonymous]

OP- how many appointments did you want him to attend with you? I only ask because the appointments are less than 15 minutes long during the monitoring phase - and there really isn't much for him to see or do. My husband went to 3 - the initial, the retrieval and the transfer. He did attend the class & attended the post transfer appointments in which there was an ultrasound. The shots (the daily ones) are easy to give yourself. If he refuses to do the trigger shot (my husband was squeamish on that- but did it) then let him know you will hire a nurse for that (the location is really not in a spot you can give yourself). I think there might be an alternate spot in your thigh - but I don't remember. FWIW - my husband didn't attend my OB/GYN appointments either (at my request). He attended every MFM appointment though. My husband is a great father. I didn't need him at every appointment- it seemed like that was overkill. Have you actually told him that you NEED him there?

[Anonymous]

I agree this isn't terribly uncommon, although your situation sounds a bit extreme to me if he's not willing to at least hear you out and try to see your point of view.

The bottom line is you have to do it and he's really a spectator in most ways. He will never be able to fully understand or feel the physical and emotional burden you are feeling. He can be supportive, but I very much remember feeling very alone. My husband tried to be helpful and supportive, but a lot of times, he just didn't know what to do or say. It's hard.

As far as physically going with you to appointments or giving you shots, I don't think that's really necessary. My DH also works a lot and it just didn't make sense for him to be coming with me. The shots aren't a big deal. You'll do a few and you'll see.

I guess my advice is save your neediness (which is normal) for the big stuff. Don't expect him to be as invested or involved in the minutia day-to-day. Find other support systems. A close friend or a family member? I think you'd be best served by having a broader support network and he's one piece of it.

[Anonymous]

This is bullshit. If your husband was ill or undergoing medical treatments you'd be waiting on him hand and food and be completely supportive. Don't let your partner treat you like this. Sounds like a husband from the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with infertility can be really lonely to start with - and I definitely felt 'on my own' with most of the process of IVF. My husband did go to learn how to do the one trigger shot & gave it to me, drove me to/from retrieval & transfer... oh, and came in a cup -- but that was pretty much it. It's all hard stuff for the guy to relate to and understand or get the emotional and physical challenges of it. It sucks. It's not fair. Infertility sucks and is not fair. Therapy? find a friend or two to talk to, maybe who've gone through it already (harder for people going through at the same time b/c no one knows their outcomes). It was worth it to me to go through. Sending best thoughts.

[Anonymous]

What is he doing that doesn't feel supportive emotionally? My husband only went to retrieval and transfer and I did my own shots, but I felt supported. Make a list of what must have from him and discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is bullshit. If your husband was ill or undergoing medical treatments you'd be waiting on him hand and food and be completely supportive. Don't let your partner treat you like this. Sounds like a husband from the 1950s.

Why would you assume that? That might be the dynamic of your relationship, but why would you assume that's the dynamic in everyone's relationship.

DH and I are both very independent. Yes, we help each other when the other is truly ill. But most of the treatments involved with IVF, no one is feeling acutely ill. Nobody needs to be waited on. After egg retrieval, my DH was there. I can see an argument for getting some help after transfer (although not as necessary as retrieval). But otherwise, I can take care of myself. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

I went to a lot of appointments by myself so I kind of get that, but what I don't get is the shots? That's pretty shitty to put you in a position where you have to administer them all yourself.