ivf--dealing with lack of spousal support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a lot of appointments by myself so I kind of get that, but what I don't get is the shots? That's pretty shitty to put you in a position where you have to administer them all yourself.

For me it was actually a lot better to do them myself. He offered and did a few but when I was doing them I was able to find less painful spots resulting in less bruising. It was not "putting anyone in a position...", that's way too dramatic.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any suggestions on the emotional side of things - but I can tell you that it is actually not hard at all to give yourself the shots - either the subcutaneous (stomach, tiny needles) or intramuscular (typically big needles, in buttocks). Use a full-length mirror to see your back side and just do it. I preferred to do it myself - it hurt less and the anticipation was less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any suggestions on the emotional side of things - but I can tell you that it is actually not hard at all to give yourself the shots - either the subcutaneous (stomach, tiny needles) or intramuscular (typically big needles, in buttocks). Use a full-length mirror to see your back side and just do it. I preferred to do it myself - it hurt less and the anticipation was less.

+1. Well, mine wasn't so much a preference since I was doing it solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is bullshit. If your husband was ill or undergoing medical treatments you'd be waiting on him hand and food and be completely supportive. Don't let your partner treat you like this. Sounds like a husband from the 1950s.

Why would you assume that? That might be the dynamic of your relationship, but why would you assume that's the dynamic in everyone's relationship.

DH and I are both very independent. Yes, we help each other when the other is truly ill. But most of the treatments involved with IVF, no one is feeling acutely ill. Nobody needs to be waited on. After egg retrieval, my DH was there. I can see an argument for getting some help after transfer (although not as necessary as retrieval). But otherwise, I can take care of myself. Life goes on.

If men had to go through this they would take six weeks off of work and cry for extended periods of time. My husband can't even rip off a bandaid without making a big deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is bullshit. If your husband was ill or undergoing medical treatments you'd be waiting on him hand and food and be completely supportive. Don't let your partner treat you like this. Sounds like a husband from the 1950s.

Why would you assume that? That might be the dynamic of your relationship, but why would you assume that's the dynamic in everyone's relationship.

DH and I are both very independent. Yes, we help each other when the other is truly ill. But most of the treatments involved with IVF, no one is feeling acutely ill. Nobody needs to be waited on. After egg retrieval, my DH was there. I can see an argument for getting some help after transfer (although not as necessary as retrieval). But otherwise, I can take care of myself. Life goes on.

If men had to go through this they would take six weeks off of work and cry for extended periods of time. My husband can't even rip off a bandaid without making a big deal out of it.

Okay. Well then your husband is a bit of a dramatic wimp. Does that mean we should act like that? Hell no. From a purely physical perspective, most of the IVF treatments just aren't a big deal (leaving aside OHSS, which is terrible). We should all be so lucky if this is the worst physical discomfort we ever undergo for a health issue.

[Anonymous]

Most husbands (mine included) don't really understand the toll both physically and emotionally the process takes on you.
My husband would sometimes acknowledge it but then acted like it wasn't a big deal.

The one thing I can say is that I emphasized to him how I felt; what the drugs did to my system rather than telling him he wasn't engaged. that might work better so he doesn't feel as if you are accusing him of not being a partner or being there for you?

[Anonymous]

OP, when I was going through my four rounds of IVF, my husband probably came to a total of 6 appointments. The first meeting, the four "deposits" and one of my may surgeries. I had friends/family accompany me to others. He was busy working and didn't have a job that allowed him a lot of time off.

I weathered it myself - shots too. It's really not that bad.

Unfortunately, because women literally have to bear children, the bulk of the burden is on us. You can do it!

If you need to bitch, come here to bitch to us. We've all been there. Stay positive. Do this on your schedule. You have to be the one in the pilot's seat on this.

[Anonymous]

It's so much easier not to involve him. I could get my shots done lickety-split while he fretted over every step of the preparation. There was no way I would have brought him to my appointments - he only would have groused about taking the time off, and there was no reason for him to be there.

[Anonymous]

Ask your DH to do something practical to lighten your load. Dishes, laundry, anything you normally do and would like a break from. He will need to do that when you are pregnant and have a newborn anyway, might as well start.

Men often like specific directions.

[Anonymous]

If you get pregnant it is like this too. You'll be the one gaining the weight, suffering the stretch marks, nausea and exhaustion etc. so it's just more of the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to do something practical to lighten your load. Dishes, laundry, anything you normally do and would like a break from. He will need to do that when you are pregnant and have a newborn anyway, might as well start.

Men often like specific directions.

+1. I also ask for tons of backrubs when I'm in the middle of treatment.