How do I get over this? Do I even try?
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Anonymous
| My mom who has a long history of verbal and emotional abuse wanted to visit us when DC #3 was born. I got some good advice about setting boundaries so I asked her to wait a month before coming so we would have time to settle in a bit. The past two times she's visited she's been really angry and ended the visit with a long verbal tirade about what a terrible person, mother, etc. I am. Needless to say she was angry that I asked her to wait so she sent a nasty note repeating her usual wishes for bad things to happen to us. I acknowledged she was upset and said that wasn't my intent and reiterated the invitation for her to come after we had had some time to adjust to the baby being home. It's been a month now and we haven't heard from them at all. She sent a one word "congratulations" email in response to DH letting her know the baby was here. I guess she's so angry and feels so "wronged" that she doesn't care to know how I'm doing after the birth or how the baby is. Tomorrow is one of our other DC's birthdays and I'm guessing we won't hear from her for that either. Is this the nail in the coffin for our relationship? I know she blames me for everything - that's her MO for every relationship that's gone south and there are many. I'm struggling with not having contact but I'm also really angry and hurt that she wouldn't check in on us or seem to care about a new grand baby just because she didn't get her way. Do I try to get over it and initiate some contact or just let things be? This feels like an excessive "punishment" relative to the circumstances. |
Anonymous
| She is toxic. Move on. I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
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I would use this an opportunity to take an extended break from her (think years). But some people can't break ties with close relations. You have to figure out what will work for you. Your mom sounds horrible, I hope you have other good people in your life who love you and treat you the way you should be treated.
I think adding your child to the mix changes things. If she can't change, do you want your child to grow up watching you be treated like shit by your mom? Would you want your kid to think that's okay? |
Anonymous
This. She might have BPD. Distance yourself. |
Anonymous
| You need to let it go and move on from her. She has issues. Deep, deep issues. They should not be your problem. Focus on the family you've built. Focus on the relationships with people who treat you fairly and with respect. |
Anonymous
Plus 1 |
Anonymous
| This is your chance for a break. I wouldn't want that nonsense around my kids. |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks. Part of me knows that but I still feel so sad and hurt that she wouldn't care about me or the baby. For all she knows I could have had some complications and still be in the hospital. Wouldn't you even want to know if your child and grandchild were okay? I shouldn't be surprised that she can't move past her own anger but it's still shocking to me as a parent myself. |
Anonymous
| I feel the same way about my own mother sometimes. Hugs. Maybe therapy would help you? It helped me distance myself. |
Anonymous
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If you reach out you will be continuing the cycle and it will never end.
Put your family first now and ignore her. |
Anonymous
I mean this kindly. You're still ascribing 'normality and rationality' to her. She's not. I'm sure you have plenty of examples of the years - enough to know my now the kind of person she is. Yet, you're still expecting her to behave in a way that is contrary to who she is. You need to stop hoping/expecting/desiring her to behave in a way that is healthy and move on. I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
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Op - - you have expectations of a non rational person.
Can't you see how ridiculous that is? You may need mental help for yourself to change your mindset - and to be the happy person you deserve to be. |
Anonymous
Yes. Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. My brother just married a woman with it. I've never seen anything like it. There's a good book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, that you might be interested in reading in your copious free time (joke). It's about loving someone with BPD. Even if your mom doesn't have it, the book will have some good advice on how to handle her craziness. http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458497559&sr=8-1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells Hang in there, OP. Create the family you want with your DH and your kids. That's the healthiest route here. I don't think she's going to be a part of that. |
Anonymous
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I remember you OP! Glad that you set boundaries and had a healthy baby. I am not surprised that your mother reacted the way she did. That must be very difficult and painful. I remember how that felt - in my case it was my father, but I can only imagine that there would be an added pain when it is your mother and you just gave birth.
But - what you are going through is healthy and necessary. |
Anonymous
Exactly. The sooner you give up the expectation that she act normally the better. |