Ah, the joys of parenting a 13-yo

[Anonymous]

DD misplaced her phone. Obviously, this was the fault of the parents. So, after she berated me for about 30 seconds, I calmly told her not to speak to me that way and asked if she had checked her school backpack. Yes, she said, and launched into another tirade. Then she stormed off to check her room again -- maybe it was under one of the many piles of paper and clothing that litter her floor. I look in the backpack. And of course, there it is. "DD," I call, calmly. "I found it." "Where was it?" "Your backpack."

I must admit that keeping even keel on this is going to be harder than I thought. How many more years will this last?

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on exemplary self control. I know what it costs as I have a 13 yo and am just now reading the book recently re-recommended here "Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy". I'm SO ready for this to be over.

[Anonymous]

It's a long ride! I wish someone had told me what a thick skin you have to grow for this age. The best thing you can do is exactly what you did. Don't engage and model calm and respectful behavior. You will never be able to enforce discipline every time a teen is disrespectful without turning your house into a war zone. Your good kid is still in there somewhere and will emerge again.

I sometimes ask, "Why are you yelling at me?" in a super calm voice. It sometimes resets the situation.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this thread. I have a 12 year old that is just starting this behavior. Lot's of histrionics over meaningless things. I've started getting my husband to deal with her more, because I just can't take as much as I thought.

[Anonymous]

I slammed my bedroom door while yelling at my mother a LOT. I can't believe she didn't take it off the hinges. Ages 12-14 had a lot of this. But by 15, things evened out really well. We have a wonderful relationship now. And we laugh about how many times I yelled at her for ruining my life. I mean, I was in a good high school, doing well, lots of friends, playing sports, and she basically was wonderfully supportive of it all. But yes, she was also totally ruining my life. It's hilarious now. I'm glad she didn't send me to boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to my world. It's sometimes beautiful, but also can be really crappy. I don't know that it gets better anytime soon - I have a 16 year old, too, and we are still in this phase....

[Anonymous]

My teen is very mature (as in probably more mature than most adults) so this behavior is not generally a problem, but with both of my kids (the teen and the 12 yo), I don't allow them to yell at me or generally treat me like sh*t. I get that they are adolescents and may not always handle things well. They're learning... but in our family it is simply not acceptable to treat people that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for this thread. I have a 12 year old that is just starting this behavior. Lot's of histrionics over meaningless things. I've started getting my husband to deal with her more, because I just can't take as much as I thought.

Your husband will burn out even faster than you. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is very mature (as in probably more mature than most adults) so this behavior is not generally a problem, but with both of my kids (the teen and the 12 yo), I don't allow them to yell at me or generally treat me like sh*t. I get that they are adolescents and may not always handle things well. They're learning... but in our family it is simply not acceptable to treat people that way.

I agree in concept, but I suspect you also have a neuro-typical kid. You say you don't allow your kids to yell at you or treat you like sh*t. No parent wants to allow it, but how a parent responds depends entirely on the nature of their kid. As PPs stated, you tell the child what is expected but beyond that ignoring and not giving attention to the issue can work well. If the child has significant anxiety, OCD, other delays, etc., then the hard and fast parenting rules need to be modified for your family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is very mature (as in probably more mature than most adults) so this behavior is not generally a problem, but with both of my kids (the teen and the 12 yo), I don't allow them to yell at me or generally treat me like sh*t. I get that they are adolescents and may not always handle things well. They're learning... but in our family it is simply not acceptable to treat people that way.

I agree in concept, but I suspect you also have a neuro-typical kid. You say you don't allow your kids to yell at you or treat you like sh*t. No parent wants to allow it, but how a parent responds depends entirely on the nature of their kid. As PPs stated, you tell the child what is expected but beyond that ignoring and not giving attention to the issue can work well. If the child has significant anxiety, OCD, other delays, etc., then the hard and fast parenting rules need to be modified for your family situation.

Agree. Don't assume that because your child is not challenging, it's because you have perfected raising teenagers. They're all different and some have more challenging personalities than others.

[Anonymous]

Can we please not use the term "neuro-typical?" It's stupid. Just say normal or normally behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we please not use the term "neuro-typical?" It's stupid. Just say normal or normally behaved.

So my non-neurotypical kid is abnormal? Do you see why people use this word?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we please not use the term "neuro-typical?" It's stupid. Just say normal or normally behaved.

If you want to talk about words for different behaviors and brain functions, could you please start your own thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is very mature (as in probably more mature than most adults) so this behavior is not generally a problem, but with both of my kids (the teen and the 12 yo), I don't allow them to yell at me or generally treat me like sh*t. I get that they are adolescents and may not always handle things well. They're learning... but in our family it is simply not acceptable to treat people that way.

I agree in concept, but I suspect you also have a neuro-typical kid. You say you don't allow your kids to yell at you or treat you like sh*t. No parent wants to allow it, but how a parent responds depends entirely on the nature of their kid. As PPs stated, you tell the child what is expected but beyond that ignoring and not giving attention to the issue can work well. If the child has significant anxiety, OCD, other delays, etc., then the hard and fast parenting rules need to be modified for your family situation.

Neuro-typical has nothing to do with this. I was/am completely neurotypical and was raised in a house where kids didn't yell at their parents or treat them like sh*t. Nevertheless, I turned into a batsh*t crazy teenager who constantly raged against the world, particularly my parents. I battled constantly with my father, often at the top of my lungs, and even told him to f*ck off once. This didn't happen *because* they allowed it. It happened *despite* their efforts to never allow it. My brother, OTOH, continued to treat my parents respectfully throughout his teen years. And I slowly went back to normal, respectful behavior by age 18.

It's great that some teens aren't like this. But don't kid yourself that you, as a parent have much control over this. You don't *allow* them to yell at you. Well, if one of them wants to, how are you going to prevent them? The reality is that your children *choose* not to yell at you, and you are lucky they have maintained that level of self-control and desire to please throughout the teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen is very mature (as in probably more mature than most adults) so this behavior is not generally a problem, but with both of my kids (the teen and the 12 yo), I don't allow them to yell at me or generally treat me like sh*t. I get that they are adolescents and may not always handle things well. They're learning... but in our family it is simply not acceptable to treat people that way.

I agree in concept, but I suspect you also have a neuro-typical kid. You say you don't allow your kids to yell at you or treat you like sh*t. No parent wants to allow it, but how a parent responds depends entirely on the nature of their kid. As PPs stated, you tell the child what is expected but beyond that ignoring and not giving attention to the issue can work well. If the child has significant anxiety, OCD, other delays, etc., then the hard and fast parenting rules need to be modified for your family situation.

Neuro-typical has nothing to do with this. I was/am completely neurotypical and was raised in a house where kids didn't yell at their parents or treat them like sh*t. Nevertheless, I turned into a batsh*t crazy teenager who constantly raged against the world, particularly my parents. I battled constantly with my father, often at the top of my lungs, and even told him to f*ck off once. This didn't happen *because* they allowed it. It happened *despite* their efforts to never allow it. My brother, OTOH, continued to treat my parents respectfully throughout his teen years. And I slowly went back to normal, respectful behavior by age 18.

It's great that some teens aren't like this. But don't kid yourself that you, as a parent have much control over this. You don't *allow* them to yell at you. Well, if one of them wants to, how are you going to prevent them? The reality is that your children *choose* not to yell at you, and you are lucky they have maintained that level of self-control and desire to please throughout the teen years.

Not the PP, but how do I control the no yelling in the house rule? I ask them to leave the room until they feel like they have regained a sense of composure. I actually sat my DD down when she first started acting that way and explained I knew this was a tumultuous time, that she would be experiencing highs and lows, and that there were a lot of confusing things happening to her body and her emotions. I said also that her Dad and I were there in any way she needed us and will support her through thick and thin. That said, she didn't have the right to be an asshole to people in the house and if she was, she needed to remove herself from the common areas until she felt better.