Thinking of having only one child...

[Anonymous]

I am so happy w/our little family right now - DS, myself and DH. I just went back to work and - finally! - am among adults and wearing non-playground clothes! Now that we have gotten past the first 2 years of parenting, I think DH and I are both having 2nd thoughts about going back to newborn life, and even though I know I would have 9+ mos to prepare for it, I'm not in the mindset to be SAHM again right now...

I am also 35 yrs old now, and had 2 m/c last year. We did IVF to get pregnant with DS but the 2 m/cs have been natural. I'm sure this history has alot to do with our feelings right now.

I would love to hear from other moms who have gone thru this 2nd child doubting phase or who have decided to have a single child. I never thought I would feel this way.... I am also afraid of waiting too long and not being able to have a 2nd or having our kids be too far apart in age. We are fortunate to have frozen embryos waiting for us, but it would still be risky and expensive, and lower chances of success...

Anyways, mostly just want to hear some thoughts to help me get thru this - please dont flame me!

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You have to do what works best for you and your family. You also need to take into consideration what life will be like for your DS, not having anyone to turn to, or to help out when you and your DH get old.

If people do flame you, don't take it personally, people only really know what they truly have experienced.

[Anonymous]

i can totally understand where you're coming from. i'm a single mom which puts me in a very different position re: having a second child. but still i always thought i would and i like the concept of siblings. i have a small family so i like the idea of having more family. but i do feel like life is finally settling down a bit since my son turned two and i have a hard time imagining going through it all again. there are alot of things i really want to do now too and the idea of putting it all off for another 3-4 years seems like alot. i think it's totally fine if you feel content, happy, like this is the way it should be. but if you think you'll regret not doing it down the line or have nagging thoughts, maybe you want to push yourself a little. although i totally understand it, probably worries about risks (unless they are really big risks) aren't a reason not to do it. not wanting to enough is.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP--

Like you, I am 35 and have a DS. We are 95% sure he is it. I am an only child myself; DH is one of four. It sounds like you have some very compelling reasons to be thinking hard about this; I'm so sorry for your m/cs and what you must have gone through with IVF. How wonderful, though, that you wound up with your DS!

Not knowing you personally I can't really say, but it sounds like maybe you should hold off making a definitive decision either way for a little while. I know you're concerned about them being too far apart in age maybe, but it also sounds like you have some serious reservations/fears about undertaking IVF again--cost, risk, etc. How does your DH feel--strongly one way or another?

All I can say is that being an only child has its advantages and challenges, like any other choice. Since we have no guarantees and have to make decisions based on what we know today, that is all we can do. I can't say I was ever really lonely growing up--I have many close friends and cousins; I like to keep close relationships, perhaps because I have no siblings? I know a number of only children, and we are all pretty Ok people.

Perhaps let this percolate for a little while and see how you feel a little later?

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also need to take into consideration what life will be like for your DS, not having anyone to turn to, or to help out when you and your DH get old.

PP here. I just have to address this, b/c I hear it a lot.

In many, many families, adult children do not share equal responsibility caring for their aging parents. This frequently falls mostly--or all--on one adult child. So this point, while indeed a perspective, assumes a lot.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I decided on one child from the start. DS is 2 years old now and we're happy with our choice. DH and I are in our late 30s and had no trouble conceiving, but it just works best for our family. We like that we can focus on DS and not feel so harried and spread out (emotionally, time-wise and financially).

As for all the rhetoric you hear about "what if your child is alone later in life after you're dead"... well, I can tell you that I know many people with siblings that loathe each other and are not supportive. So there are no guarantees in life whether you have siblings or not.

Take your time with your decision and do what's best for you and your family. Whatever you and your husband decide is right. Don't worry what anyone else says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to take into consideration what life will be like for your DS, not having anyone to turn to, or to help out when you and your DH get old.

PP here. I just have to address this, b/c I hear it a lot.

In many, many families, adult children do not share equal responsibility caring for their aging parents. This frequently falls mostly--or all--on one adult child. So this point, while indeed a perspective, assumes a lot.

Stop trying to make it a debate.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I have one child and she's it. You'll undoubtedly hear from many people in this thread advising you to move forward, it gets so much better, you can't imagine it now but you'll never regret it ......

That may be true. I just wanted to be that lone responder (probably?) to say that we chose to have an only child. It just feels right. We don't really have space, financial, age or other external reasons.

[Anonymous]

[google]Don't blame you, life would be so much easier and your son will just be fine and infact maybe better than fine...I grow up in a big family and I am not happier than my other friends who are only child.

Look at the people in China...I have to say the folks in China are having the time of their lives (we have cousins that are in their 40's and are empty nesters now, their kid is in college..they do whatever they want, travel, have 2-3 homes b/c they can...

[Anonymous]

Having grown up essentially as an only child (My father re-married and so I have a half sister who is 12 years younger than I am) I can tell you that your only child will be just fine. And if you think that you'll be happy without more children, then that is all the more reason to seriously consider only one.

I have gone through stages where I think I'm done (DD is 16 months) and then other times where I definitely want a second (like now).

I do think this is a decision that you and your husband should make based solely on gut decisions. There are plenty of people who think that having multiple children is the "right" thing and will ask you all sorts of questions like, "What about when your kid gets older?"...but I truly believe that having more than one child should be done because you really want more than one child-and not because it's the acceptable thing to do.

The last thing I'll say is that I've found that many people I know decided that they wanted 2 or 3 kids before they got pregnant with #1. However, I think it's really important to step back from the situation once the first one is here and think about what you want out of parenthood, what you want for your future, etc. Sometimes things change..or are not what you expected..

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to quickly chime in -- I'm an only child, and I LOVED it. My relationship with my parents has always been amazing, and I always had lots of friends, so I was never lonely. I never wanted a sibling.

I imagine that it will be difficult when my parents get older, although each of them -- despite having siblings -- ended up being the primary caretakers for their parents when they got older and sick. And, as other posters note, spreading the burden of parental illness is not a reason to have multiple children.

The bottom line is, you should do what feels right to you. Despite my wonderful experience as an only, I am pregnant with #2, so obviously I recognize the positive side of multi-child families, as well.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to take into consideration what life will be like for your DS, not having anyone to turn to, or to help out when you and your DH get old.

PP here. I just have to address this, b/c I hear it a lot.

In many, many families, adult children do not share equal responsibility caring for their aging parents. This frequently falls mostly--or all--on one adult child. So this point, while indeed a perspective, assumes a lot.

so true, I am one of 5 and the only one willing or able to care for my sick father even though I am the only one that llives out of state. And none of us have anything to do with each other. It is not a guarantee friend. I think you have plenty of time to think this thru. If you choose only one, that will be the right choice for you. Given your history, you may not even have a choice. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Like the PP above me, my good friend was left taking care of her sick Mother in her home for 25 years. Her brother and sister never visited or did anything. Her Mom passed away this past year and my friend's siblings didn't even come for the funeral. They called to see about the will, however. Lovely, no?

Both my parents are only children. My Dad has always had 3 very close male friends that he's known a lifetime and considers his brothers. He has a happy fulfilled life, as far as I can tell and he says.

My Mom always wanted a sibling. Her Mom (my Grandmother) actually tried for a second child and her second baby (a boy) died in delivery because the doctor didn't catch the cord around his neck. So my Mom heard my Grandmother talk about it for years (even when she died at 91 a couple of years ago, she talked about how she mourned that child). So a lot of my Mom's desire came from the brother she almost had.

I have a friend (ex-boyfriend, really) whose parents thought he "needed" a sibling so they tried hard for a child and ended up having a girl with Downs Syndrome. My friend loves his sister, but feels the burden of her care after his parents will be gone.

I tell these stories because no matter what you do, there is no right or wrong. Choosing to have an only child (as I have too), is a valid choice. Choosing to have a second child just for your first, doesn't always work out as you intended.

Only have a second child because you and your husband truly want a second child. Don't do it for anyone else's agenda.

[Anonymous]

There was a thread on this not too long ago, so I'd do a search too.

We're only having 1 child, a daughter now 4.5 yrs old. We still have another 10 yrs to decide once and for all, though (We're 29 and 30). But, do I really want a preteen/teen and a newborn? I don't think we will, so we're setting our lives up for just one.

What that means for us: We have long term care insurance. We have saved aggressively in our 401ks and other investments since we began working 7-8 yrs ago. It's not fair for any child (in my opinion) to be burdened with the sick and aging care of their parents. It's MY job to do all I can for myself. I don't want my child to be placed in a situation of needing to pay for me when she should be focused on her own family. By the time I'm 70 yrs old, I will have had almost 50 years of a work life! How irresponsible of me to not save for my own retirement and sick care??!!

So, instead of having another child to "take care of you" in old age, put that money toward your retirement fund so you can tkae care of yourself.

Every time I think of having another child, I think "Does the world really need another person?" and the answer is "NO!". With the envoronment and the carbon footprint that we all leave behind, maybe it makes sense to just have one child. The state of the world is not a great one to raise kids in either - do I want another child as the housing market collapses (we are completely priced out of the housing market, as we will need a bigger place with a 2nd child) , gas prices rise (rules out moving further out from DC because it's too pricey to commute), lack of quality, affordable childcare (we couldn't afford paying $1600-1800/month for an infant. And we can't afford for me to be a SAHM), a war, and nevermind not risking job security by having a 2nd child that would require maternity leave, sick days and more vacation days.

When I see babies, I love them! I think it'd be great to have another - BUT not to have someone to take care of me and not to grow a friend for my only - the economic impact is enormous for us. We have an amazing child already - we're happy with that. Why push it?

[Anonymous]

We will most likely only have one child but it's not by choice. It took multiple IVFs to conceive our child and we've tried multiple times for a sibling - all of which have failed. I just wanted to chime in because I can relate to the infertility treatment portion of your post. The good news is you have options and you don't necessarily have to decide right away what you ultimately want to do. While a FET isn't without its risks - I will say that it's a lot easier than a fresh cycle - many less appointments, less meds, less shots, etc. I was however concerned about conceiving multiples since I already had a young child (we started treatements again when he was 6 months old) but I figured I would worry about the bridge if we actually had to cross it. I wish you all the best in your decision and just know that your child is lucky to have parents that love him so much.