Thinking of having only one child...

[Anonymous]

We have a history similar to yours, but we're a bit older. We have one child and it is very unlikely that we will have another. We love our family as it is, and we're grateful for what we have. We also have many friends with one child and they've been very happy with that decision. In the end, only you and your husband can make this choice. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

DH was an only child and MIL was too. Both were perfectly happy as only children. I've always projected and felt "sorry" for him that he didn't have siblings, which was ridiculous because he was and is perfectly happy with his situation. In my opinion, if you're otherwise in a happy marriage, you can't really make a wrong decision here. You're going to love and be thrilled with whatever "your family" ends up being. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to take into consideration what life will be like for your DS, not having anyone to turn to, or to help out when you and your DH get old.

PP here. I just have to address this, b/c I hear it a lot.

In many, many families, adult children do not share equal responsibility caring for their aging parents. This frequently falls mostly--or all--on one adult child. So this point, while indeed a perspective, assumes a lot.

Stop trying to make it a debate.

This observation about adult children and aging parents is just that--an observation based on experience. Anecdotes are really not debatable, they are just mean to offer the OP a response to an often-heard refrain that is not always true--later posters also offered personal experience that affirmed that, yes, it often does fall on one child, despite the presence of siblings.

[Anonymous]

I am a happy only child, but I do think that I miss out on the sibling bond that DH & my mother have with their siblings. I can never know what it is like to always have someone there for me, no matter what. I do have that with DH & my mom, but I think with siblings it is different. Our family went through some hard times when I was growing up & I never had anyone I could talk with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a happy only child, but I do think that I miss out on the sibling bond that DH & my mother have with their siblings. I can never know what it is like to always have someone there for me, no matter what. I do have that with DH & my mom, but I think with siblings it is different. Our family went through some hard times when I was growing up & I never had anyone I could talk with.

If it makes you feel any better, I am much closer to my friends than my sister (she's my only sister. I have no brothers). I talk to my friends about my problems, not my sister (even when I was growing up).

[Anonymous]

OP here! Thanks so much for everyone's responses and sound advice. DH appreciates them too as I shared this board with him. We are just starting to really consider having only 1 and I think the next 6-12 mos will be the indicator, as I get settled into work again and DS starts preschool in the fall.

We are slowly talking it out in little tidbits here in there in conversation ("if we have #2 we are 19yrs from college, if we stick with #1 we are only 15yrs away... ha ha..) and then the other side ("gee it would be nice to have a girl...) and so on and so on.

Since we will likely have to do FET we are also afraid of multiples - we were lucky enough to do one embryo transfer w/DS and got lucky. I cant imagine debating one more and ending up with two!

Anyways, thanks all and happy to hear any more insight..

[Anonymous]

I saw a segment on one of the talk shows (think it was Martha Stewart) about this couple in PA that got pregant twice and end up with 8 kids. The first pregnancy resulted in twin girls, the wife wanted to try for one more, went thru IVF and they had six. If you decide to try again and go the IVF route, you should prepare yourself for multiples. My best friend implanted two eggs and ended up with triplets - one of the eggs split.

[Anonymous]

OP,
We have one child by choice. She is 5 yrs old. We are not having anymore, and we are relatively young (35 yrs old now) and have no physical/medical, financial etc. reasons why we could not have more. But we are totally satisified with life as we know it right now and cannot fathom going thru diapers, sleepless nights, etc. again. We both hated that stage the first time around, and have no desire to do it again. We put 100% effort into parenting, and feel we have no energy left for more kids. I work full time and just cannot handle the thought of taking time off work, being pregnant, going thru toilet training etc. all over again....we finally got over the daycare/nanny etc. stage (ie, DD is in elemenetary school now) and we are elated about that...I feel as though soon our DD will be able to do many of the things we have missed for the past 5 years, like international travel. We can't wait to include her on things we loved to do pre-baby. Our lives do not feel totally hectic or crazy -- although I am always busy, I do not feel stressed. I have time to go to the gym, meet friends for coffee, linger at a bookstore, etc. - and with most of these things, DD is mature enough to join me. DD gets all of our attention and she has lots of friends. We are just too happy now to change things. I suggest you do whatever feels like the right choice for your family and enjoy it - life is too short to worry too much!

[Anonymous]

PP wrote the words right out of my mouth! I feel the same way, although our daughter is not even a year yet. Of course I feel the guilt, esp. since I come from a large, happy family. If we lived in a more affordable area or I could stay home and have a strong support network of other moms with kids, it might be different, but right now I feel like I am putting way too much energy into finding decent and affordable childcare and trying to manage my career and my family. It is hard and if it got any harder, i would be taking away time and attention from my daughter. I think in the long run, this is the right choice for us, but I really wish it could be different. Not to mention I am 40-these old bones can't take the sleepless nights much longer!

[Anonymous]

I have only one. We never really wanted a second because of the risks involved in another pregnancy (specific to my case). I got wistful when my child was four. A few points:

a) Just because you make a baby doesn't mean you've made a good friend for your child. It is great when it happens, and a wonderful gift to all involved, but not everyone gets all that much from their sibling relationship.

b) We know we have an only child, and we know that this does create opportunities for him to be more isolated and potentially more selfish, or more alone. However, it isn't like we don't know our child is an only child. We take steps to counter the "onliness" by filling our lives with other FAMILIES and their children. We do holidays, and other events with our friends. We welcome other people's children into our home. We make this a relaxed place for children and parents to visit.

c) We all want what is best for our kids, but that doesn't mean they have to get the "best" of every last thing. Maybe a sibling isn't meant to be for you. That doesn't mean your child is doomed to unhappiness or incompleteness.

[Anonymous]

We have an only child by choice and are comfortable with our decision. However, now that our daughter is a bit older (she's three), people make occasional "stereotypical" comments about onlies (e.g., oh, she's having a hard time sharing that toy because she's an only child, etc. for stuff that's normal pre-schooler behavior). I'm worried that teachers and other adults in her life might make certain assumptions about her because she's an only child. Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice on how to handle it? We make a lot of effort to ensure that our daughter spends time with other children (both friends and family) to avoid some of the potential downsides to being an only. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

PP. I would ignore these comments about your child. There are many reasons why children do what they do, and being an only is just one factor of many that shapes their personalities--one choice you make for your child on top of a million others. I am an only, and I have heard it all before. As an adult, it was the backhanded "you're an only? but you seem so well-adjusted!" Or people would make some comment about how I don't "seem spoiled" or some nonsense. Parents can raise their "child" the same way they can raise their "children"-- to be selfish or generous, empethetic or clueless, generous or stingy. To me, this is about the parents attitudes, not the number of children they are raising.

That said, your DD is 3? You are absolutely right--it's normal preschool behavior!! Whether she was one or one of five, she's going to want to hang onto a toy and not let it go every once in a while!
Sounds like you know this has nothing to do with her being an only. All I can say is, it's possible people will make assumptions about her behavior--but people do this no matter what, and they will ascribe reason, or motive, or whatever, to make sense of it. Pegging her as a "typical only" or whatever is just a convenient thing for them to grab. If she had a sibling, they could say it was for another reason--who knows! Don't let it get to you. The next time someone says "she's having a hard time sharing bc she's an only child," smile and say, "maybe. or maybe it's because she's 3!"

[Anonymous]

With one, you still have some degree of freedom and things are not too harried. I can see where a second one "could" put a strain on the marriage and that is not someone thing I want to happen.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 23:08- it's good to hear this feedback from another only!

[Anonymous]

For what it is worth, I am the middle of 9 children.
Pros: always having someone to hang out with. When parents get malignant, it is spread all over a lot of people, not just you.
With my parents, I preferred being one of many.