Thinking of having only one child...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks so much for everyone's responses and sound advice. DH appreciates them too as I shared this board with him. We are just starting to really consider having only 1 and I think the next 6-12 mos will be the indicator, as I get settled into work again and DS starts preschool in the fall.

We are slowly talking it out in little tidbits here in there in conversation ("if we have #2 we are 19yrs from college, if we stick with #1 we are only 15yrs away... ha ha..) and then the other side ("gee it would be nice to have a girl...) and so on and so on.

Since we will likely have to do FET we are also afraid of multiples - we were lucky enough to do one embryo transfer w/DS and got lucky. I cant imagine debating one more and ending up with two!

Anyways, thanks all and happy to hear any more insight..

Just curious here because I'm going through the same exact internal conflict about having another child or not, and we'd have to to IVF (FET) to get PG again. If they implant only one embryo, isn't your chance of multiples VERY slim?

[Meconbear]

First, I want to be supportive of OP b/c it's such a personal decision as to how many kids you want. Second, I have lots of friends who are onlies and they are great people! However, just want to give my perspective as the last of 4 since OP seems to want differing perspectives. I happen to have a great relationship with my sisters and brother. We are spread all over the country, but see each other at least once a year during the holidays. We call regularly. It's nice to have people who share the same memories as you (and remember things about your childhood that you forgot!), who are there for you, and who you don't have to be anyone but yourself (even if that self sometimes regresses back to when you were all 12 years old). My parents were older when they had me, and when they died, my oldest sister ended up doing much of the work since she was in the same town as them. It was hard for her and she was sometimes envious that we couldn't help b/c we were far away, but that's the way it goes. Now that they are gone, I think we all cherish the fact that we have each other. NOw that I have kids, I love that I can compare stories and experiences with my siblings about child rearing and taht my DS will have cousins to play with. We have a set of distinctly older cousins and my DS constitutes the youngest of the young set of cousins. It was really special for me to see the older cousins play nicely with the younger cousins this Thanksgiving and continue to build the sens of family that we have. Maybe I have something rare these days given the rest of the discussion of how people don't get along with their siblings, but I do want to throw a different perspective out there that not everyone with a brother or sister has a strained relationship wtih them, negating the reason to have a sibling for your child.

[Anonymous]

Meconbear wrote:First, I want to be supportive of OP b/c it's such a personal decision as to how many kids you want. Second, I have lots of friends who are onlies and they are great people! However, just want to give my perspective as the last of 4 since OP seems to want differing perspectives. I happen to have a great relationship with my sisters and brother. We are spread all over the country, but see each other at least once a year during the holidays. We call regularly. It's nice to have people who share the same memories as you (and remember things about your childhood that you forgot!), who are there for you, and who you don't have to be anyone but yourself (even if that self sometimes regresses back to when you were all 12 years old). My parents were older when they had me, and when they died, my oldest sister ended up doing much of the work since she was in the same town as them. It was hard for her and she was sometimes envious that we couldn't help b/c we were far away, but that's the way it goes. Now that they are gone, I think we all cherish the fact that we have each other. NOw that I have kids, I love that I can compare stories and experiences with my siblings about child rearing and taht my DS will have cousins to play with. We have a set of distinctly older cousins and my DS constitutes the youngest of the young set of cousins. It was really special for me to see the older cousins play nicely with the younger cousins this Thanksgiving and continue to build the sens of family that we have. Maybe I have something rare these days given the rest of the discussion of how people don't get along with their siblings, but I do want to throw a different perspective out there that not everyone with a brother or sister has a strained relationship wtih them, negating the reason to have a sibling for your child.

It's this kind of advice that I really don't get in the one child v. sibling issue. I get along very well with my brother and we're great friends, but I don't base my decisions on family size because of it. At the end of the day, it's about my day-to-day life with my kid(s) and husband - my brother and our relationship has nothing to do with it. Others' relationships with their siblings also have nothing to do with it. Do I really want to have another child because of a few good holiday memories? What about the everyday issues, such as time and money, retirement age, etc? Would I ever NOT have another because someone else doesn't get along with their sibling(s)? No, I wouldn't. I understand that everyone needs to justify their choices. yes - it's true that some are close with siblings. It's also true that many are not close with their siblings. Of course many happy holiday memories are created, but are those siblings there for you on a daily/weekly/monthly basis? Can't good friends be made? Neighborhood and communities formed?
I've recently begun to really look outside of my immediate family to create a network and it's saved my life! I see my family once every 2 months, of that. I see my new "family" everyday. They see my daughter grow up, they help us out in a pinch, they babysit, they come over for the holidays.
Family can be defined in many ways. Don't have another child just for a sibling arrangement. Have another child because there's more money and time and love to give - because you feel your parenting isn't done yet. Why all this pressure to have so many kids?

[Anonymous]

Because family is family and perhaps in some people's experiences, such as mine, friends are never quite family. True, there are many out there who are not close to their siblings. However, when it works out and a close relationship does develops, it's such a blessing. I don't think that providing siblings for your child is a bad reason to have more than one.

[Anonymous]

"Family can be defined in many ways. Don't have another child just for a sibling arrangement. Have another child because there's more money and time and love to give - because you feel your parenting isn't done yet. Why all this pressure to have so many kids?"

I totally agree with this. Thanks PP! I am not having a second b/c I believe I have no additional time, money, and love to give!!

[Anonymous]

"Friends are never quite family . . " WOW, I could not disagree more. I consider many of my friends as close as family. These are the folks I do depend on day to day. My parents/sibling offer no support financially (and I do not expect it) or practically. Despite all the "you have to have kids", I can count on one hand the number of times that they have been down to see their grand-daughter -- much less help out. (BTW, they all had significant help from their own parents in raising us).

My close friends, however, make a point to celebrate birthdays with us, watch our child for us when we need a rare moment out alone, they came to the hospital and greeted us when we brought our DD home. The important stuff, they are there for us.

I must also say that I'm a little puzzled by the poster who gushed about her family ties and how much she loves her siblings but didn't really deem it necessary to provide a lot of help to the in-town sibling who did "much" of the work caring for a sick parent, citing "that's the way it goes." I'm not judging her reasons. But, I also don't look at that example as a reason that supports the "pro's" of having a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who talked about having a good relationship with my sibs (can't tell if I'm logged in or not in this new system)...I talked about my sister having to take care of my folks b/c there was a long thread about how having more than one kid is no guarantee that they will share the responsibility for taking care of you when you get old. I wasn't giving it as an example of a reason to support the pros of having a sibling, but agreeing that unequal work among the siblings happen, but it needn't be at the detriment to the relationship. If you really must know more about what I was talking about (and your post sure was judging), my parents had cancer at the same time and the rest of us three siblings lived 500-1500 miles away. In that situation, it was impossible for us, without quitting our jobs/school and moving home for the entire six year ordeal, to take them to all their chemo appointments, take care of them as all of their hair was falling out and they felt awful, and then finally coordinate hospice, twice in six years.

Finally, I'm not telling the OP to have more kids. Heck, I only have one kid at the moment. I was just giving another perspective to counteract all the posters who didn't seem to have/believe that a sibling relationship can be one of the richest experiences of your life.

[Anonymous]

Sensitive much, PP? You may think I was judging but I wasn't. If I were judging, you'd know it. I admit I did think your post was puzzling for the reasons that I stated. This subsequent post made things more clear (at least with re: the purpose of youroriginal post.)

[Anonymous]

For a different perspective, I'm an only child and I married an only child (how unusual is that?) and I'm the daughter of an only child. I will say that I LOVED being an only child growing up - it would be impossible for me to have felt more secure in my parents' and grandparents' love, the family completely revolved around me, and I was able to have a lot of material things. As I've gotten older I've started to wish more that I had siblings. One thing that it really starting to hit my husband and I is all the reponsiblity that we will have as our parents age and we are the only ones to take care of all 4 of them and we are now starting our own young family - I live about 10 hrs drive from my parents. Also, given our unique situtation of us both being onlies, we definitely feel that we must give our DD a sibling, just because she will have no other family once we are gone - no cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. - and we don't want her to be "alone" in the world when she gets older. Another thing to think about it - and this is obviously something that can be prevented - is that there is a danger with an only child I think of losing the "couple" and only being a "threesome family". But, growing up, I loved being an only and the "spoiling" factor is within your control as parents

[Anonymous]

There is one other issue to consider: insurance.

I know someone who lost not one, but two children.

He was glad he had three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is one other issue to consider: insurance.

I know someone who lost not one, but two children.

He was glad he had three.

This is morbid, and rather weird. So you have two in case one dies????

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I totally understand the "morbid" poster. My mother lost a sister and she always said that stuck in her mind when she started a family. I am not saying people should run out and have children who don't want to have children but it's in my mind as a result of what happened in our family. In the end, is it great to have a few kids --yes it's wonderful and obviously a great thing to do but...some people would not be able to be happy/cope with more than one kid and that's their right. I realize this is a posting board but the judgements around here are just mean--I know some families of one child who are just great and that's great for them and I tend to avoid getting in their business about their decision.

One thing that I have noticed that really makes me sad is the number of comments that were basically saying having siblings is no big deal and that they aren't close. What a loss. I love my brothers and my mom and dad and I am still talking to everyone everday even though we are far away. We also try to meet up several times of the year. I think the detoriation of the family unit is sad because a close family is just something to be cherished--I have tons of close friends but nothing is the same to my family. We have the usual fights and drama but I wouldn't change anything for the world.

[Anonymous]

First to answer a previous question - if they only out back one FET - you are likley only to have one child as a result. If they put back 6 FET, depending on the grade you may have 6 babies. If you are at a reputable clinic this should be a minimal worry and you cna control how many fertilized eggs are transplanted.

Since the actual question is very personal decision, each person simply has to make it for themselves and feel comfortable with it along with their spouse. I was one who would have loved to have 4 or more children but time and circumstances will likely not allow that to happen - will likely stop at 3. I have many friends who stopped at one and they are happy with the decision and that is all that really matters. There is no right or wrong answer here - simply opinions.

OP - I hope you have been given some 'food for thought' to help you make the right decision for you and your family. Happiness can be found in any numbers.

[Anonymous]

We had major fertility issues (4 MCs) before finally having DS, we never imagined we'd have another- also did this later in life etc. But within a year, I was already trying for another child and went through IVF etc. to get pregnant with our second child- for one, I did hope we'd be a 4 person family- though the TTC for #1 and newborn stage was EXHAUSTING that I was not really excited to do again and doubtful we'd be successful based on history. The main reason I did it is I wanted our child to have more family- DS has a lot of cousins- but most older- when we die- he'd be alone in a sense.. I wanted our child to have another family- cousins are fine but brother/sister is SO different. So that was OUR driver (though I never had that as a driver in my mind before we tried to conceive- I was just hoping for two children). Now that DD is here (and believe me- we had another long infertility treatment and pains etc.) I do feel complete and happy. Believe me hte newborn stage is so hard when the other child is so close to being self-sufficient. But it's only a short-time- and DS likes being a big brother. He sees lots of families with more than 1 kid so at least I won't get the question down the road of whether he can have a sibling. To those who have through infertility issues had one, my heart so goes out to you- we have been on the TTC rollercoaster for 7 years in total- and count our blessings since we could easily have had neither one. I can't believe I am a mom to two healthy kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one other issue to consider: insurance.

I know someone who lost not one, but two children.

He was glad he had three.

This is morbid, and rather weird. So you have two in case one dies????

I agree: creepy. And where does it end? Have four in case three die? Five in case four die in a freak accident? And..."insurance"? What an odd way to describe one's children.

I had someone say this to me (an only) once: "what if you die? i'd have two in case one dies." I was too amazed not only that someone would think something so random but that they would EXPRESS it? Needless to say, she has other issues.