Do people in your life know you are going through infertility treatments?

[Anonymous]

Have you told your friends and family that you are going through infertility treatments? Right now, only my mom knows because we started as seeking treatment for an underlying medical condition and ended up here. Sometimes, I wish I had confided in one or two good friends, but I don't know how I will really feel about people knowing something so personal... and you can't un-tell.

Have you told people about your infertility struggles and do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

I was really open about it and I don't regret it. It is nice to have other people be able to show they care about you, not to mention to exercise sufficient judgment to help you be graceful about exiting situations that might be too emotional. I was in a very dark place for quite some time and would rather my friends understand than just be upset about my behavior.

But it depends on your friends. If you have people with moral issues with infertility treatments or are young enough that your friends won't get it - then you might not have the same positive experience. I'm in a demographic where fertility treatments are not uncommon (early 30's professional women), so that might have contributed to it.

That being said, unless you have friends that have gone through this -- they will likely not know how to react, so you have to be prepared to take the lead when you want to talk about it, when you don't, etc.

[Anonymous]

With DC1, I told one coworker and a friend I was very close to. I told my mom when she asked.

With DC2, i was more open about the process.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell anyone. Crazily enough, my inlaws took us out to a fancy dinner to celebrate our pregnancy after we told them. MIL commented on how terrible it was that people had to go through infertility treatments and what a waste of money it was. DH and I just laughed. I mean wasn't MIL just happy to get a grandchild after we'd been married for so long?

[Anonymous]

I told my sister. That's it. I don't regret this at all. I'm a fairly private person, although very social with a lot of long-time close friends. I didn't want to answer a bunch of questions or keep people in the loop on what was going on. When I saw friends, I wanted it to be a true escape and not a time to talk about this awful thing that was going on in my life. That's what worked for me.

[Anonymous]

I haven't told anyone except for one friend - I wouldn't have told her except that I needed a ride back from an appointment, and it made sense to tell her. I've also told a couple of medical professionals, because it impacted other medical decisions.

Sometimes I would love to have more support, and I know that most of my friends and family would be supportive, but 1. my husband REALLY doesn't want to tell anyone (male factor is part of the issue), and 2. Even with the very limited number of people that I've told, I've found that it's emotionally more difficult to manage other people's expectations - they're all hoping for me, and it's hard to talk with people after a treatment has failed. It's hard enough on my own (and I'm good about being pessimistic and somewhat managing my own expectations), but it's dreadful talking with other people who are really bummed on my behalf. I cry enough on my own time - I don't need/want to sob every single time I talk with one of my friends.

The difficult part about this is that infertility treatments are impacting most of my other life decisions, so now I can't really talk about the decision-making process on those either (why I'm not looking for another job, why I'm not signing up for athletic events, etc). I dunno if I'm making the right choice or not, but it's where I'm at right now.

[Anonymous]

This is private. Keep it to yourself. Believe me when I tell you that most people truly do not want to know whether you are infertile.

[Anonymous]

Even people you think would be very supportive say the dumbest and most insensitive things like "everything happens for a reason" and crap like that, so unless you have a very thick skin DO NOT.

[Anonymous]

Each time, I've only told one friend who was also going through the process. I knew she would understand. Our parents didn't even know we were trying, let alone turned to IVF. I told my mom about the IVF once I shared the pregnancy news with her. But most of our family still doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

I told some friends and coworkers when living in another area; they were very helpful. I did not tell my family; they are usually not helpful or understanding and tend to say hurtful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've found that it's emotionally more difficult to manage other people's expectations - they're all hoping for me, and it's hard to talk with people after a treatment has failed. It's hard enough on my own (and I'm good about being pessimistic and somewhat managing my own expectations), but it's dreadful talking with other people who are really bummed on my behalf. I cry enough on my own time - I don't need/want to sob every single time I talk with one of my friends.

This is what I've found too. I kept it pretty quiet when we started except for close family, but then when I had a late-term miscarriage followed by a seemingly never-ending series of unsuccessful follow-ups I also told some other friends and colleagues that I trust what was going on, because it seems I am constantly having to take time for doctors' visits and as hard as I've tried, a couple of years of this has had some sporadic impacts on my working life (inability to schedule travel, missing meetings at short notice due to egg retrievals, etc.). And every time a cycle fails it feels like I let down not only my husband, but all these other caring people too. Very hard. The worst of all was how upset my MIL was after the miscarriage (this isn't a slam - she was incredibly supportive and actually came and stayed with us and did all our housework for a week while I was in bed with hard-core anemia - but I could feel the waves of grief) but fortunately she lives in another country so we've not shared the more recent month-by-month struggles with her; if we can spare her that, it's best for her and for me.

All that said, I do think it's good in a larger sense to talk about it at least a bit, to bring it out of the shadows, if you will. I think the technology is amazing and that there are probably a lot of people that could benefit from infertility treatments but they may be holding back because no one they know has done it (that they're aware of) and the unknown can be terrifying. I didn't know much about it before I started, and it took us about three years to take the plunge...I would give a lot to have those three years back.

[Anonymous]

I've shared with one friend at work, my family and sis in law, and some friends. I share about having miscarriages and now doing ivf. I joke about how ivf made my ovaries feel like sacks of gravel-humor helps me get thru the insanity and I find puts my friends at ease more with a tough subject. I try not to treat it like a deep dark secret, but also not have it define me as 'the ivf girl.' I felt alone and isolated when I was trying to hide all this, and kept having to tell white lies about it. It was a big relief for me to 'come out.' People are anything from embarrassed, curious, concerned, happy, supportive; but generally clueless and always well meaning. I think it's pretty similar to any other major life challenge. Plus I don't want IF or miscarriage to come as a shock to another woman like it felt to me. so I hope my openness helps someone else feel less alone. Also I think there's some bullshit shame surrounding IF and miscarriage that I refuse to accept or promote. But I'm a very open person and I totally get that many people are more private. My dad was like: I want you to use whatever modern science has to offer you to make this easier. My mom was: are you sure you want to have kids they are a lot of work (this made me lol.) my sis is awesome, a rock, cheering for my embryos (she calls them chipmunks.). I know it will be tough if I have to relay bad news, but after my first m/c - I found it was equally tough to hide how miserable I was, and it was really eating me up inside. I should mention dh is comfortable with me sharing, I cleared that with him first.

[Anonymous]

Told my sisters and one friend who also went thru IF. Other than those three people, no one. Although I sense that my mom is suspecting that me and DH went thru IF.

[Anonymous]

I'm very open about it, post about it on facebook, etc. That's just what I'm comfortable with, I don't expect everyone to be the same, but it has worked out for me. If I were quiet about it I think I would feel very alone (well, even more alone). A number of friends have told me they're glad I keep talking about it, because they worry about me and want to know what's going on but don't want to intrude by asking.

[Anonymous]

There were a handful of people who knew we were undergoing fertility treatments. Perhaps 8 or 10 all told.

And there were 3 who knew we were trying donor egg.

I was very glad to have a couple of my dearest friends with whom I could talk openly, but equally grateful not to be answering questions from any others. I also wanted my husband to be able to talk it over with someone when he needed to vent. So my sister, my best friend, and his brother were the only ones fully in the loop until we were through the first trimester of a successful pregnancy.