Thinking of ending relationship with my sister
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Anonymous
| My sister and I have never been close. In the last few years she has gone out of her way to actively hurt me and tried to damage my relationships with other family members. Every time I have to come in contact her, I end up reeling from something she has said or done. I have about come to the point where I've decided it is no longer worth it to be in contact with her. However, this would absolutely break my mother's heart and I would be blamed for "breaking up the family". (Sister and I are in our mid-30s if it matters.) I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother, but she is close with my sister and would probably take the view that I am being difficult even though this is really about me finally looking out for me. Anyone BTDT? How did you deal with the negativity from other family members when you cut a toxic sibling from your life? |
Anonymous
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How about a break first? I'm actually doing this with my mother after she really started acting out around my kids. She didn't change so the break has gone on for six months now.
If she changes into someone stable, I'll consider a reconciliation, but if she continues to flip out (I don't want to go into specifics, but she was an extremely dysfunctional parent to me) then it's over. Sad but true. |
Anonymous
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I am at the same point, in my late 20s.
I think you've gotta do it sometime, for your own sake. |
Anonymous
| I cut out my toxic sister in 2012. It was hard at first and my dad would ask me every birthday and Christmas to "make things right". I told him she was welcome to talk to me any time, but based on her attitudes towards my kids and husband, I decided she was best left alone. After a time he stopped asking. My other sister has now cut out toxic sister as well for similar reasons. Toxic sister has no friends left, and her marriage is on the rocks. Clearly she has issues. Since its been 4 years, my parents have let go of the dream and they've stopped blaming me. Im fine with the status quo. |
Anonymous
My sister cut out my other sister (deservedly so, without going into details the cut off sister physically injured my other sister with no apology -- sister ended up needing surgery). This is really similar to the way it's shaking out in my family. My parents have (obviously, in hindsight) enabled dysfunctional sister's behavior and tried to blame injured sister for a long time. They are finally coming around to the fact that dysfunctional sister would be in jail/sued into the stone age had she assaulted a non-family member and it's not injured sister's fault for "breaking up the family." Dysfunctional sister has not had a relationship with me for about 10 years (she's an odd bird), so I'm largely insulated from the whole situation, but whew, it's intense for a while, then simmers down a lot. Good luck, OP. Some people are just toxic and you need to stop engaging with them. |
Anonymous
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OP, there is never an easy way. What I came to terms with is I have to do what is best for me. I love my sister from a far but she is not invited into my life. I want the best for her but can no longer deal with her emotional instability. She blames me and others for all that is wrong in the world, when sometimes you have to put your big girl pants on and create the life you want and find your happiness.
Good luck, you are not alone. |
Anonymous
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I've done this with my brother 2 years ago. Absolutely the right decision.
The only way to work, is to not discuss things with your mother. That means not complaining, ranting, or convincing your mother. Don't ask your mother to make any changes on her end. Make the best decision for you - but make sure it's your burden, and not your mom's. |
Anonymous
| Similar situation. My sister was mean, toxic and made up lies about me etc. very up and down with moods, can turn on you in a heartbeat etc. My mom and one of my brothers were on my case about ceasing contact with her. Then she started posting viscous things about my mom on Facebook and my mom no longer hassled me about ceasing contact. (My sister is blocked from me on Facebook so I didn't see what she posted, but my mom said it was some mean nasty stuff and when my mom told her to she needs to get help my sister said she's knows and its all my moms fault. My mom wasn't exactly a stellar mother but jeez, we're all adults and responsible for our own lives now.) Anyway OP, do what you need to do to keep your sanity for yourself. Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about your decision. |
Anonymous
| Why do you need to make an official declaration? Why do you need to get your mother involved? You're better off keeping her at a distance and giving generic non-committal responses to her attempts to contact you. Don't engage. |
Anonymous
I'm not planning to make any sort of grand proclamation. But it will be an issue at holidays or kids' birthdays. Mom will ask why sister is not invited to events typically hosted at my house, or will be hurt if I decline to attend events outside my home where I know sister will be. |
Anonymous
Unless you want the drama and want to make absolutely clear to your sister you are cutting off your relationship with her, I think holding her at arms length, and see and communicate with her only when you are seeing your mother, especially since you say you don't want to damage your relationship with Mom. By making a clear, unequivocal statement that you are cutting off your sister, you are forcing your Mom to make a choice between her children. It is up to you if that is what you want to do, and only you know the level of toxicity in your relationship with sister. I'm a firm believer in clear statements and non engagement with toxic people. Tell her next time she calls that what she is doing is unacceptable, you are not going to engage with her on it, and leave it at that. |
Anonymous
Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family. My mother is the same, she has a weakness for one of my siblings, and cannot see clearly. I tell her my side and exactly how I feel and do not engage further. I refuse to feed the drama. Mom is slowly getting it. |
Anonymous
I think it will only be an issue when things are hosted at your house. Beyond that, can you be civil when you're in the same room. If your mother asks, remember you don't need to convince your mother or justify your answers. Just tell your mother calmly, that right now this is what is best for you and your family. Don't make it seem like you're doomed forever, etc. |
Anonymous
| That you, Lady Edith? |
Anonymous
 And she still manages to live in the same house with that bitchy sister of hers.
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