Thinking of ending relationship with my sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you, Lady Edith?

And she still manages to live in the same house with that bitchy sister of hers.

Well, it's a pretty big house...

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family.

I've been calm and collected. I've disengaged from her as much as possible. But every time I am around her, her words or actions manage to cut me down. I am tired of feeling miserable and resentful for weeks after every encounter with her. I don't care if she knows she has "gotten to me". I just want her out of my life so I can stop hoping that she'll be a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family.

I've been calm and collected. I've disengaged from her as much as possible. But every time I am around her, her words or actions manage to cut me down. I am tired of feeling miserable and resentful for weeks after every encounter with her. I don't care if she knows she has "gotten to me". I just want her out of my life so I can stop hoping that she'll be a better person.

Her words and comments are not going to change just because you cut her off. In fact, it's probably going to escalate things.

What you need is to reflect on why the comments of this jerk have this effect on you. Parse through and analyzing what's hurting you about her words and try to address that.


One of my siblings hurt me very badly and I eventually learned to expect NOTHING, not even common fairness and decency from that sibling. That acceptance helped me to be pleasantly surprised when the sibling engaged positively, but also helped me to avoid getting my hopes, because inevitably it would fall apart again and I knew that. It's sad, but it's a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family.

I've been calm and collected. I've disengaged from her as much as possible. But every time I am around her, her words or actions manage to cut me down. I am tired of feeling miserable and resentful for weeks after every encounter with her. I don't care if she knows she has "gotten to me". I just want her out of my life so I can stop hoping that she'll be a better person.

The more you react, the more encouraged she is. So you should care when she knows she has gotten to you, because she is using that as a feedback loop. Stop putting so much stock on her words. Why do you value what she says so much that you feel miserable for weeks? You need to build some emotional resilience, maybe therapy can help.

This grand gesture of cutoff will not help you in this situation, you will certainly be seen as the dramatic one. Try to phase her out slowly, let the relationship die on the vine. At least until your mother is alive.

[Anonymous]

OP Sometimes you can try and try but it just does not work. Do not say anything to your mom and really no need to say anything to your sister. Just get"very busy" -- so busy you just do not have time for her. Let some time pass. I miss my brother terribly, but what I miss is the thing I thought he was, not who he really is. He waits until my guard is down then lands the punch (verbally) then I have to go off and recover in my tears. It is just not worth it. My mother, who allowed this behavior, is of course no help. Strengthen your relationships with others outside the family and the next thing you know a few years will pass. The first one is the hardest, because you keep thinking -- shouldn't I be there for this Holiday? But it is not a Holiday for you if you are terribly unhappy. It took me looking at the Holiday pictures of myself looking so sad to finally stand up for myself -- by not being there. Who knows. maybe time will heal the rift between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to make an official declaration? Why do you need to get your mother involved? You're better off keeping her at a distance and giving generic non-committal responses to her attempts to contact you. Don't engage.

+1 This is what I do with my sister - and what she does with me. I know my parents know that we don't like each other very much, and I'm sure they are dissapointed, but it is better than having a big scene and a public declaration of "our relationship is over." Plus, who knows - perhaps my sister and I will both change as we get older and will come back together again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have never been close. In the last few years she has gone out of her way to actively hurt me and tried to damage my relationships with other family members. Every time I have to come in contact her, I end up reeling from something she has said or done. I have about come to the point where I've decided it is no longer worth it to be in contact with her. However, this would absolutely break my mother's heart and I would be blamed for "breaking up the family". (Sister and I are in our mid-30s if it matters.) I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother, but she is close with my sister and would probably take the view that I am being difficult even though this is really about me finally looking out for me. Anyone BTDT? How did you deal with the negativity from other family members when you cut a toxic sibling from your life?

So your mom will make you continue in an abusive relationship. Ditch both and live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family.

I've been calm and collected. I've disengaged from her as much as possible. But every time I am around her, her words or actions manage to cut me down. I am tired of feeling miserable and resentful for weeks after every encounter with her. I don't care if she knows she has "gotten to me". I just want her out of my life so I can stop hoping that she'll be a better person.

OP, therapy for you. TRUST ME ON THIS. It will help you see the best way to deal with the whole situation and the rest of your family, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not wanting to be in the same room as her is a grand proclamation. The more you do things like this, the more you encourage her, she knows she has gotten to you. My suggestion would be for you to distance yourself from her and be civil when you have to be in her company. If you are calm, collected and firm she will get the hint, and if she doesn't your mother and rest of family will. Don't let her cut you off from the rest of your family.

I've been calm and collected. I've disengaged from her as much as possible. But every time I am around her, her words or actions manage to cut me down. I am tired of feeling miserable and resentful for weeks after every encounter with her. I don't care if she knows she has "gotten to me". I just want her out of my life so I can stop hoping that she'll be a better person.

OP, therapy for you. TRUST ME ON THIS. It will help you see the best way to deal with the whole situation and the rest of your family, too.

I feel you, OP. Many years ago I realized I was much happier when I was able to limit my interactions with siblings. Now it applies to some of my neices and nephews as well. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This is such a n awful thread! Cutting off a sibling? Unless your sister is a sociopath who has injured you there is no reason to cut off family due to petty disagreements. If your sister is being mean to you did it ever occur to you that you did something to hurt her?

So selfish.

[Anonymous]

My brother estranged himself from the entire family on both sides. He married a mentally disturbed woman who cut off her own family. It is like he is in a cult. He has hurt everyone and it is beyond repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a n awful thread! Cutting off a sibling? Unless your sister is a sociopath who has injured you there is no reason to cut off family due to petty disagreements. If your sister is being mean to you did it ever occur to you that you did something to hurt her?

So selfish.

NP here. You are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a n awful thread! Cutting off a sibling? Unless your sister is a sociopath who has injured you there is no reason to cut off family due to petty disagreements. If your sister is being mean to you did it ever occur to you that you did something to hurt her?

So selfish.

instead of chastising people in a situation you can't relate too, express more gratitude that you can't relate to it. Walk a mile in another's shoes before passing judgement and all that. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that people here can't relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to make an official declaration? Why do you need to get your mother involved? You're better off keeping her at a distance and giving generic non-committal responses to her attempts to contact you. Don't engage.

Unless you want the drama and want to make absolutely clear to your sister you are cutting off your relationship with her, I think holding her at arms length, and see and communicate with her only when you are seeing your mother, especially since you say you don't want to damage your relationship with Mom. By making a clear, unequivocal statement that you are cutting off your sister, you are forcing your Mom to make a choice between her children. It is up to you if that is what you want to do, and only you know the level of toxicity in your relationship with sister. I'm a firm believer in clear statements and non engagement with toxic people. Tell her next time she calls that what she is doing is unacceptable, you are not going to engage with her on it, and leave it at that.

agree....great post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to make an official declaration? Why do you need to get your mother involved? You're better off keeping her at a distance and giving generic non-committal responses to her attempts to contact you. Don't engage.

This. It seems like the least hurtful. You are responsible for your reaction.