Am I completely in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

I will preface this by saying I feel like shit. My brother just had a baby and I am thinking of not sending a congratulatory message.

We got into a conflict the last couple of months. They wanted something from DH and I, which we tried very hard to accommodate, but it became very clear it would be impossible to do. It very quickly went from a want to a demand. Had to set some boundaries because their demand was really inappropriate (had to do with our money). They were offended by the boundaries. I decided to give each of us some space, but certainly said nothing about cutting them of or not speaking to them etc. A couple of weeks later, and days before their baby is to be born, we receive a 3 page letter which was offensive to say the least (list of everything they dislike/ is wrong with me). I am very offended and upset and of course not talking to them after that letter. In fact it's hard for me at the moment to imagine wanting a relationship with my brother after what was said. But his baby is born today (parents called to let me know) and I am really conflicted about reaching out. So angry that they escalated this conflict just days before this event. Am I completely out of line here, am I being really petty?

[Anonymous]

I'd send a gift for the baby but then wait a bit before reaching out to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I would send a card with a generic congratulations. That gives you the option to maintain civility later, if you so choose. If not, it never hurts to be polite. Well--in this case it might hurt a bit, but you're being the bigger person and it buys you some time and distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send a card with a generic congratulations. That gives you the option to maintain civility later, if you so choose. If not, it never hurts to be polite. Well--in this case it might hurt a bit, but you're being the bigger person and it buys you some time and distance.

This. It also depends what they were asking for and the entire situation. If they were asking for a family heirloom for use of their child and you said no, I could see why they would be mad. If they were asking for $10,000 and you choose to say no, that is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will preface this by saying I feel like shit. My brother just had a baby and I am thinking of not sending a congratulatory message.

We got into a conflict the last couple of months. They wanted something from DH and I, which we tried very hard to accommodate, but it became very clear it would be impossible to do. It very quickly went from a want to a demand. Had to set some boundaries because their demand was really inappropriate (had to do with our money). They were offended by the boundaries. I decided to give each of us some space, but certainly said nothing about cutting them of or not speaking to them etc. A couple of weeks later, and days before their baby is to be born, we receive a 3 page letter which was offensive to say the least (list of everything they dislike/ is wrong with me). I am very offended and upset and of course not talking to them after that letter. In fact it's hard for me at the moment to imagine wanting a relationship with my brother after what was said. But his baby is born today (parents called to let me know) and I am really conflicted about reaching out. So angry that they escalated this conflict just days before this event. Am I completely out of line here, am I being really petty?

It costs you little to send them a card and small gift. I am assuming they are asking for money, and he is probably under pressure/stressed out, but would not excuse the behavior. Sending the card/gift leaves the door open. Do not feel guilty about the boundaries - I am a firm believer that you cannot let anyone else spend your money.

[Anonymous]

I would send something addressed to the child. "welcome to the world, Larla! We are so happy you are here and we love you so much!"

[Anonymous]

Send a card and a gift. And think about long term consequences. Do you want to be right or do you want a relationship with your niece or nephew?

Not an excuse but surely you understand the stress that comes with a birth. He may have been out of line but he may also be really struggling and in a tight spot. Especially if he needed money. Again no excuse. But their childish behavior....cut them some slack I guess.

[Anonymous]

You may not want a relationship with your brother, but are you going to extend that to his child? Welcome the child, congratulate your brother (because whether he's a jerk or not, he is still a new parent), and take the high road.

[Anonymous]

I haven't spoken to my brother in 20 years. I don't even know the name of his kids, don't know what they look like, don't care. When he allowed his wife to look down on us, that's the day he took her last name and no longer belonged to our family.

His loss.

[Anonymous]

I need to know more about what he "demanded" and what was said about you in the letter.

[Anonymous]

Your niece or nephew shouldn't suffer for a fight you had with her/his dad. Send a card and a small, sweet gift. With any luck you will work things out with your brother and have a great relationship with this child.

Congratulations on becoming an Aunt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't spoken to my brother in 20 years. I don't even know the name of his kids, don't know what they look like, don't care. When he allowed his wife to look down on us, that's the day he took her last name and no longer belonged to our family.

His loss.

-1! Your loss!

OP, if you want to be miserable, follow PP's advice. If you want to proceed unburdened by useles guilt, send a card (just sign it, no elaboration) with a gift card from anywhere (even CVS, Starbucks or Babies r US) for $20! It counts as "caring," the parents will use it and it's cheap enough to forget.

Then forget the situation for as long as needed, even until xmas! However, if you don't do anything, you'll dwell on the situation. This thread is proof that you're already up to your eyes in obsession over the issue, so get something nominal and focus on yourself and DH and find inner peace.

Peace be with you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your perspective. I won't get into the details, but this was not a straightforward I need some money and me refusing type of situation. I said I would do my best, I tried, and just could not make it happen.

I know they were very stressed out and that's why I thought we needed some distance.

I'll reach out to him and send a gift for the baby. I know it's the right things to do. Plus it would kill my parents. But for what is worth:

1. One of the charges levied was that I am polite on the surface and not really caring. So fairly certain this gesture will be seen the same.

2. My husband sent a congratulatory text and got no response back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your perspective. I won't get into the details, but this was not a straightforward I need some money and me refusing type of situation. I said I would do my best, I tried, and just could not make it happen.

I know they were very stressed out and that's why I thought we needed some distance.

I'll reach out to him and send a gift for the baby. I know it's the right things to do. Plus it would kill my parents. But for what is worth:

1. One of the charges levied was that I am polite on the surface and not really caring. So fairly certain this gesture will be seen the same.

2. My husband sent a congratulatory text and got no response back.

I think what you are planning to do is fine.