Am I completely in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, you needed the money or they did. If they needed the money and you could not help, no reason to get angry at you. Ask someone else, put it on a credit card or take a loan. I'd send a cheap card and a small gift card or little gift. (under $20 as others have suggested). I would not count on a relationship or even an acknowledgment.

[Anonymous]

You're handling it right, OP. Always take the high road. Send that card. Ignore their nonsense. If they want to be entitled asses without boundaries, that's on them. You can't control how they react to you, only how you handle things.

[Anonymous]

Sooner or later, you will be in a room with them. Take the high road, send a card and gift ( the baby didn't do anything wrong). Don't expect a thank you, but know YOU did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

I probably would not send anything because it is going through the motions only-and fake at that-I do not think they will be receptive, and you will likely not feel good about doing it. I hope that you are all able to reach a level of peace, not through a cliche gift/card.....but a heartfelt and meaningful talk airing out grievances.

[Anonymous]

I would read the letter again.

[Anonymous]

I have no problem cutting people off. Life is too short to deal with assholes. That said, given the enormous stress they were under with an impending birth and needing whatever it was they needed, I might be willing to cut some slack this time. However it would also depend at least somewhat on what they were demanding and what exactly the letter said. If it seemed clear from the letter they thought I was a miserable excuse for a person I wouldn't bother, but if they were just kvetching, them is send a card and small tangible gift like a $20 toy or feeding set or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your perspective. I won't get into the details, but this was not a straightforward I need some money and me refusing type of situation. I said I would do my best, I tried, and just could not make it happen.

I know they were very stressed out and that's why I thought we needed some distance.

I'll reach out to him and send a gift for the baby. I know it's the right things to do. Plus it would kill my parents. But for what is worth:

1. One of the charges levied was that I am polite on the surface and not really caring. So fairly certain this gesture will be seen the same.

2. My husband sent a congratulatory text and got no response back.

I think what you are planning to do is fine.

+1 Just fine. Per the bolded, it's not really your job to *convince* them that you care. Being polite is far more than what we see in most families! The perception and how they feel about it is their responsibility.

And hang onto the letter.

[Anonymous]

Also think you are doing the right thing. No need to burn bridges right now. Give it some time.

[Anonymous]

The accusation that you're polite but don't actually care is a manipulation tactic. They can't accuse you of being mean - because you're not and no one would believe them - so instead claim that you're faking the niceness. They're equating your refusal to bail them out as a lack of caring.

That's just manipulation 101. They want it to hurt your sense of self, because you are a genuinely caring person and the accusation that you failed to care about them hurts you. They're relying on that to get you to comply with their demands.

[Anonymous]

What was their point of sending you the letter?

[Anonymous]

Send a card, no gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your perspective. I won't get into the details, but this was not a straightforward I need some money and me refusing type of situation. I said I would do my best, I tried, and just could not make it happen.

I know they were very stressed out and that's why I thought we needed some distance.

I'll reach out to him and send a gift for the baby. I know it's the right things to do. Plus it would kill my parents. But for what is worth:

1. One of the charges levied was that I am polite on the surface and not really caring. So fairly certain this gesture will be seen the same.

2. My husband sent a congratulatory text and got no response back.

I dealt with very similar things from my brother and his wife (not precipitated by a money issue, but complex other stuff). I had a similar "charge" laid against me. Anyway, things are better now, but I completely understand how you feel. I think you're making the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The accusation that you're polite but don't actually care is a manipulation tactic. They can't accuse you of being mean - because you're not and no one would believe them - so instead claim that you're faking the niceness. They're equating your refusal to bail them out as a lack of caring.

That's just manipulation 101. They want it to hurt your sense of self, because you are a genuinely caring person and the accusation that you failed to care about them hurts you. They're relying on that to get you to comply with their demands.

Not OP, but I wish I had read this when someone said the same thing about me! It sent me into a spiral of depression. I have since gained perspective and I agree it is completely manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was their point of sending you the letter?

If I were to be kind I'd say it was an outlet for them to express all the built up anger, resentment, and disappointment.

If I were to be less kind, I would say it was a tactic to create a rift in the family. The cut off, without doing the cutoff. If someone sends a letter like that 2-3 days before their baby's due date, I imagine they are saying I don't want you here, but they don't have to actually say it or take responsibility for it. Now the other party (me) becomes the inflexible one.

This episode has made my parents very sad. My mother keeps trying everyday to get me to go visit.

I got my niece a card and a small gift, she deserves it. It also helps my parents keep hope for a reconciliation, which is not unlikely, but right now I am so over this drama and don't want to be dragged back into it.

[Anonymous]

Send a baby gift!!!

Poor child, it's not his fault. You DO understand this, OP, right?
My family has always had long-running conflicts, and protracted inter0sibling legal battles. Some have definitely cut each other off.
What is really sad is when the conflict gets intergenerational, and cousins don't speak to each other because their parents don't. It's stupid, and sad.

So don't be stupid. Send a gift for your little niece or nephew. Your troubles with your brother are separate.