Anyone else ever feel just, plain sad that they got divorced?

[Anonymous]

I can understand someone married to an abuser, addict, dead bedroom, or total ass who is glad to get divorced and move on, but I fit none of these. We started growing apart and realized that we see the world differently, communicate differently, have different parenting skills, and want different things out of life. He is more career oriented, likes traveling a lot more, and would probably be perfectly happy living in an apartment and never having to deal with a house.

We met late 20s at a friend's event and I felt when we started talking that we already knew each other, if that makes any sense. He can make someone feel special in a genuine way. I cannot say that we had every last interest in common but had fun and were supportive.

Almost 15 years into marriage, it started unraveling with little issues seeming to take a life of their own. Yes, we tried counseling but didn't feel that it provided useful input. After one argument almost two years ago he said that if we couldn't agree on anything we might as well split up and then hired a divorce lawyer. This is a situation I never expected myself to be in and through the process we have tried to be civil. But it has been like a nightmare. When we had to appear in court it was like I didn't even know him. He avoided even looking my way.

My sense right now is more grief than anything else. Maybe I still love him? Might seem strange for a grown woman, but I fondly remember our first kiss, movie, when we met each other's parents and now that whole world is gone, like it never happened. We are never going to open Christmas presents again, take a vacation, plan our kid's wedding together...

Friends and family tell me I will get over it, move on, but you cannot carve away knowing someone 17 years of your life as if it never happened. What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.

Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.

[Anonymous]

I am not married, but getting married in a year. How do you not know that you two are so different before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not married, but getting married in a year. How do you not know that you two are so different before marriage?

It's not that you don't know. You know. You just can't realize how those differences can create rifts as you get older and have been together longer. Kids also throw a huge wrench into things because everyone approaches that differently and it can really cause conflict in a marriage. You would do best to read and take to heart what you read here and not pretend you've got it all figured out when you aren't married yet. You will be amazed how different your relationship will be even 5 years into marriage once so many other factors come into play.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I loved my husband. There was a lot great about us. He cheated. The lies and betrayal hurt. He decided he could not be faithful and did not want to be married. I am often sad for the marriage we had before the cheating and the marriage we might have had without it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not married, but getting married in a year. How do you not know that you two are so different before marriage?

As the OP, I can tell you that in hindsight, have the tough conversations. A woman I once worked with sat with her fiancé and asked: how do you handle money? if we needed to fix a roof and also had a vacation planned, would you cancel the vacation? how do you feel about raising kids religiously? how often do you want to see in-laws? where do you want to live (sounds basic, right?).

Not the most romantic thing to do, but you need to trust your guts - is the other person telling you what you want to hear? being honest?

To another commenter, not sure if I consider the divorce a total failure. The marriage failed, but to love someone and back, have a couple of great kids, be introduced to new things, cannot complain about that.

[Anonymous]

50% of divorce people regret divorcing.
20% of those reconcile.

So, you feelings are normal. Breaking a bond with another person is not easy and it should not be.

Your spouse has seemed to move on though, it would be good for you to move forward also.

Imagine finding a loving partner that helps you plan your children's weddings. Imagine vacations with your children and your grandchildren.

It can be a great life, just not the one you envisioned so replace your vision with a new one.

[Anonymous]

Saying goodbye to something as huge as a 15 year marriage should make anyone feel some level of grief. You acknowledge the good and bad and move forward. It sounds like you guys grew in separate directions. It doesn't have to be someone's fault, but it sucks. Hang in there. Try to be positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50% of divorce people regret divorcing.
20% of those reconcile.

So, you feelings are normal. Breaking a bond with another person is not easy and it should not be.

Your spouse has seemed to move on though, it would be good for you to move forward also.

Imagine finding a loving partner that helps you plan your children's weddings. Imagine vacations with your children and your grandchildren.

It can be a great life, just not the one you envisioned so replace your vision with a new one.

Where did you get that crazy statistic? Free at last, Free at last! Many are thrilled to be done with their ex!

[Anonymous]

Divorce isn't a failure, it's a death. The death of a union. There's a lot of grieving and regret involved as well as some relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not married, but getting married in a year. How do you not know that you two are so different before marriage?

It's not that you don't know. You know. You just can't realize how those differences can create rifts as you get older and have been together longer. Kids also throw a huge wrench into things because everyone approaches that differently and it can really cause conflict in a marriage. You would do best to read and take to heart what you read here and not pretend you've got it all figured out when you aren't married yet. You will be amazed how different your relationship will be even 5 years into marriage once so many other factors come into play.

This.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean. I divorced from the love of my life. I think about him every day. That being said, I'm so much happier note that were not married. Some relationships are not meant to be encapsulated in marriage forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean. I divorced from the love of my life. I think about him every day. That being said, I'm so much happier note that were not married. Some relationships are not meant to be encapsulated in marriage forever.

Very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I loved my husband. There was a lot great about us. He cheated. The lies and betrayal hurt. He decided he could not be faithful and did not want to be married. I am often sad for the marriage we had before the cheating and the marriage we might have had without it.

So sorry that happened to you!
(no words of wisdom, Just sympathy)