Conundrum - include family in memorial or no?

[Anonymous]

Sorry this will be a bit long. Here's the back story. My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly last year. In her will, she asked that we scatter her ashes in the ocean near a beach area where our family has vacationed for 60 years.

When mom died, my cousin promised to book a house at the beach for the memorial. But she waited way too long. By the time she got to it, all the good properties were gone. What was left would have required serious compromises on our part, which I just didn't want to make. I'm past that age where sleeping on a cot in a dusty basement with five other people is acceptable, especially given the circumstances.

It didn't help that my cousin, who is a teacher and has all summer off, gave us only one week when she would be willing to go. (She's already got the rest of the summer booked with other vacation plans.) I'm a little more than pissed that my cousin can't move any of those other things around to accommodate her aunt's funeral - especially when it was her inaction that got us to this point. The "only if it's convenient for me" attitude is infuriating. The worst part is that my 84yo aunt, my mother's only sibling and my cousin's mother, is dependent on my cousin to get her to the funeral. So, if my cousin won't come, my aunt can't go. I offered to fly to my aunt's house and to pack and travel with her, but she won't do it because she feels guilty about "troubling" me.

So, I've decided to just go to the beach with DH and have the memorial without them. I'm thinking I won't even tell them I've done it. But I keep second-guessing this plan. Is this a completely crap thing to do to my aunt?

FWIW - we are expecting our first child at the end of the summer, after eight years battling infertility and multiple miscarriage. If we wait a year and do this next summer, we'll have a new baby to add to the mix.

[Anonymous]

I'd scatter the ashes privately and schedule a family memorial when everyone can be together.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why you we recounting on your cousin to be in charge of getting a house for your mom's ash scattering, but wev. Just tell cousin, "I'm sorry, that house doesn't work for us. We found a lovely house for the week of (date) and we'd be happy for you to join us. If you can't make it, we would be very happy to bring your mom with us ourselves."

And if they decline, that's their choice.

You have already waited a long time for this so I don't really see it as a "funeral". Or are you having a formal funeral service then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you we recounting on your cousin to be in charge of getting a house for your mom's ash scattering, but wev. Just tell cousin, "I'm sorry, that house doesn't work for us. We found a lovely house for the week of (date) and we'd be happy for you to join us. If you can't make it, we would be very happy to bring your mom with us ourselves."

And if they decline, that's their choice.

You have already waited a long time for this so I don't really see it as a "funeral". Or are you having a formal funeral service then?

OP here. Mom was not religious so it's not technically a funeral or a memorial. More like a Celebration of Life. But, not even that. What I think mom wanted was to be returned to her roots.

[Anonymous]

Pick the date that works for you, and do what you can to get your aunt there. Would she need to fly to get to the area? If so, the trip itself may be too much. Perhaps you could save a small portion of the ashes to give to her? Have a special dinner with your aunt to remember your mom, so she doesn't have to make the trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick the date that works for you, and do what you can to get your aunt there. Would she need to fly to get to the area? If so, the trip itself may be too much. Perhaps you could save a small portion of the ashes to give to her? Have a special dinner with your aunt to remember your mom, so she doesn't have to make the trip?

OP here. I can definitely do something privately with my aunt later. Just feel bad she won't actually get to be there to say good-bye in person. She's really struggling with this loss. And, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I feel bad for mom that her closest family (besides me) don't seem all that interested. For her sake, should I do whatever it is I have to do to make sure they are there - even if it means it's convenient for them and not for us, so that at least I've done that much for her? Or, is it more fitting to do this without them on my own terms, since mom raised me as a single mother with no help from anyone, even her own family, and it was always just the two of us anyway?

[Anonymous]

Schedule when it's convenient for you. When aunt says no I don't want to trouble you, you say it's no trouble at all, we'll be there to pick you up at X date, we take X flight and we'll get you home on x date. It's no trouble and we want you there and are looking forward to spending time with you.

That's how you handle it.She wants to go, and will be delighted you care enough to make sure she gets there.

[Anonymous]

Tell your cousin that you've waited long enough, and you need closure. Book dates that work for you and tell your aunt you need her there and want to come get her for some special time together.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your cousin's flakiness, OP. I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

Tell your aunt that you are coming to get her and that's it. Bring your aunt and your husband and do the memorial.

[Anonymous]

As someone who lost her sister, I'd like to speak up for how important it is to include your aunt. I would have been so so sad if my sister's husband or children had not thought it was important that I be there. Different situation as I'm not elderly, but still, I'd really make a big effort to include your aunt.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ok. So, I go and get my aunt and bring her to the beach for the whatever-we-call-it. I agree that this is the right thing to do.

Do I say something to my cousin about it? When I offered to go get my Aunt, my Aunt said she didn't want to "trouble" me and then said she felt bad that her daughter wouldn't help and didn't appear to feel obligated in any way. She thinks it's her fault because she never asked her kids for anything. I think she needs her daughter's support and won't ask for it. She definitely wants her daughter to support her through this. My cousin isn't uncaring, and she's close to her mom (no fighting), but it's also true that all her life her parents have been the givers and she and her brother have been the recipients. It hasn't often gone the other way and she may not realize how much her mother needs her. Though, maybe that's between them and I should just MMOB.

[Anonymous]

Yep, worry about yourself, your dh, your baby and your aunt. Sounds like maybe you and your aunt can be there for each other? So sorry for your loss and for the situation you are in with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, worry about yourself, your dh, your baby and your aunt. Sounds like maybe you and your aunt can be there for each other? So sorry for your loss and for the situation you are in with your family.

Thanks, pp. OP here. You're right. Though I can't say that this hasn't affected how I feel about my cousin. We used to be close but now I can't think of her and not be a little... I don't know. Is "turned off" the right word? If the shoe were on the other foot I would move heaven and earth to be there for her - especially if the reason we were in a tough spot was due to something I did. This is the second time she's done something like this too. We were at the beach together when my father died 15 years ago. I spent all that week driving two hours each way to see him in the hospital and she never once offered to come or help in any way. She was just annoyed that I ruined her vacation. Feels a little like history repeating itself. Only this time it's me and my aunt who are hurt, not just me. She's not normally a mean person so I guess that makes it a little more surprising and harder to accommodate. Maybe it's just how she deals with death. I'm just really hurt and disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok. So, I go and get my aunt and bring her to the beach for the whatever-we-call-it. I agree that this is the right thing to do.

Do I say something to my cousin about it? When I offered to go get my Aunt, my Aunt said she didn't want to "trouble" me and then said she felt bad that her daughter wouldn't help and didn't appear to feel obligated in any way. She thinks it's her fault because she never asked her kids for anything. I think she needs her daughter's support and won't ask for it. She definitely wants her daughter to support her through this. My cousin isn't uncaring, and she's close to her mom (no fighting), but it's also true that all her life her parents have been the givers and she and her brother have been the recipients. It hasn't often gone the other way and she may not realize how much her mother needs her. Though, maybe that's between them and I should just MMOB.

I agree too about planning for your family and enabling your aunt to come. I do think it's very important for her to be there and you to do whatever you can to facilitate that.

It depends a bit on your relationship with your cousin, but I would say something short and to-the-point about your sensing that your aunt wants her there for moral/emotional support more than anything...and then leave it at that. You can't really fix that relationship, it has to be up to your cousin and your aunt. Your aunt could also ask for this support on her own, BTW, so I agree that some of the issues in this relationship are on your aunt as well.

I'm very sorry for your loss...and it's nice to see that you are able to honor your mother's wishes.

[Anonymous]

Not quite sure why you left this major part of planning to your cousin who clearly isn't reliable and doesn't care as much as it seems multiple others do, but I guess that doesn't matter at this point.

Do it another time and tell the important people that's the new date. Get the aunt.