Please settle money dispute. Sahm that made some extra cash.

[Anonymous]

I am a sahm to an 8 month old. Since being out of work we have cut back on basically all uneccesary spending. We are by no means in the poor house but Dh has an extra part time job and has me use that money for groceries and every day expenses. He will occasionally "let" me buy a shirt or something for myself but we are talking under $30. I found a small gig that paid around $200 and thought it would be nice to have some play/spending money that I wouldn't have to feel guilty about spending. But now dh is pissed that I'm not using that money towards the bills or groceries etc. I just don't think it's fair. His arguement is that his second job goes towards the household which is true but I've never said he couldn't spend it on something for himself. I even offered to split it half and half but still that wasn't good enough. So now I have this money that I feel like a criminal for spending and am wondering who's right.

This entire thing makes me want to stick my kid in daycare so I can get a job and spend whatever the eff I want on myself but I know that's not how it works either and it would make our lives more difficult since I didn't have a high paying career before anyway.

[Anonymous]

I think being SAH won't work for your family in the long run. Both of you will end up deeply resentful.

[Anonymous]

Did dh do the childcare while you earned the extra cash?

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't get play money, why should you? It sounds like your family is struggling and the financial burden has all been on him. Why in the world would you not help out?

[Anonymous]

If DH has to work two jobs to make ends meet, it doesn't sound like you're in a position to have any "play" money. All money earned by all parties should go to family expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH has to work two jobs to make ends meet, it doesn't sound like you're in a position to have any "play" money. All money earned by all parties should go to family expenses.

I agree.

But you guys need to learn how to compromise and communicate before this issue gets bigger.

[Anonymous]

If the budget is that tight, you need to work. You and your DH need to work as a team. Put ALL the money into the same pot and budget each person some walking around money, pin money or "me money- whatever you call it. It can be very small if that is the budget. You also need to agree on what that money covers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH has to work two jobs to make ends meet, it doesn't sound like you're in a position to have any "play" money. All money earned by all parties should go to family expenses.

+1 being SAH may not be the right decision for your family OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't get play money, why should you? It sounds like your family is struggling and the financial burden has all been on him. Why in the world would you not help out?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being SAH won't work for your family in the long run. Both of you will end up deeply resentful.

Agree. Money needs to be house money. Sounds like you guys can't afford for you to SAH. I agree with your DH though, FWIW. If money is so tight, you shouldn't splurge on something with "your" money.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is getting some unnecessary grief. It's not clear that the budget needs to be THAT tight, and the DH is clearly dealing with some control issues. It doesn't seem like there is an overall budget or plan (or at least a transparent one).

It's hard to live under such a tight budget for a long time. A treat every once in a while is a good thing for everyone's morale - and being able to use some extra bonus, unexpected $$ as a treat seems like a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Whoever is doing the childcare IS working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is getting some unnecessary grief. It's not clear that the budget needs to be THAT tight, and the DH is clearly dealing with some control issues. It doesn't seem like there is an overall budget or plan (or at least a transparent one).

It's hard to live under such a tight budget for a long time. A treat every once in a while is a good thing for everyone's morale - and being able to use some extra bonus, unexpected $$ as a treat seems like a great idea.

I agree but her DH is working a part-time job in order to pay for groceries and other everyday expenses. There doesn't seem to be money in their budget for treats, unless they're living on a shoestring budget in order to be able to save a ton. I could see how her DH feels resentment that she wanted to use the extra cash just on herself. I think that being SAH won't be sustainable for OP and her DH. It will lead to way too much bickering and resentment to be worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs. Our household budget is drawn from our pooled income. We pay ourselves equal amounts of pocket money from that which is ours to spend as we want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being SAH won't work for your family in the long run. Both of you will end up deeply resentful.

This.

I worked one full-time job and 1-2 part time jobs my entire marriage save for maternity leave. I plowed all that money back into household bills and my XH wouldn't even fix DC a decent dinner so that I had one less thing to worry about. I had immense resentment.