almost 6 weeks, losing my mind

[Anonymous]

my son will be 6 weeks old this week and things seem to be getting harder, rather than easier, and i am starting to lose it.

we have had breastfeeding issues galore from the very beginning. poor latch led to a drop in supply and very slow weight gain, so i was pumping about 10 times a day for nearly 2 weeks. in addition to being sleepless and exhausted, i was (am?) obsessed with making sure he was getting enough to eat - because what kind of mom am i if i can't even feed my baby? then just when everything started to equalize and i started having milk pile up in the fridge, he decided that he wanted nothing but bottles and refused to breastfeed. so back to pumping almost constantly to keep up. now that i am trying to get him off bottles, he is nursing constantly yet often frustrated because it's slower than the bottle. cue lots of crying, frantic rooting, head banging, etc. that is just so painful to watch. it's also just painful, period, as he doesn't always have a good latch and it gets worse and worse the more frustrated he gets and my nipples are feeling pretty mangled. i am still trying to pump a couple of times a day for emergency bottles when he is just too hungry and frantic to settle down and nurse. plus, he often wants to suck himself to sleep and only a nipple will do.

i have been to the breastfeeding center 3 times and have spent a small fortune there on consultations, pump and scale rentals, slings. and yet nothing seems to really be improving. as much as i want to breastfeed exclusively, i am beginning to hate it and dread it. worst of all, especially late at night when he won't latch or will just smack away instead of productively sucking but then screams because he isn't getting any milk, i am starting to resent this poor little boy. which makes me kind of hate myself, because he's just a tiny boy and it's not his fault.

last week, he started sleeping for a good 5+ hour stretch, but that went out the window with the bottles. now we are back to waking every 3 hours or less and he sometimes nurses for an hour before he is satisfied an goes back to sleep. last night, he nursed and fussed from 2:30 pretty much straight through to 6am when my husband took over for a bit. and he has only just now gone back to sleep after my husband handed him over at 7:30. or not - he's awake again and wanting to suck himself back to sleep... so i am getting no sleep.

he also always wants to be held, but not necessarily in a sling or carrier - most of the time, he screams bloody murder when i try and only sometimes settles down if i walk around. so even getting a glass of water or making lunch is difficult and again, i am constantly worrying that not eating/drinking enough will affect my milk supply... i spend almost the whole day on the sofa because anything else is just too hard, but it's making me crazy. getting out of the house does help, but i am so worried that he will get hungry and need to nurse but will fuss and scream and yell in public that it almost doesn't seem worth it to try to go anywhere.

i just don't know what to do anymore. when will it get better? will it get better? because i can't live like this much longer.

[Anonymous]

I fully support BFing but it sounds like you need to start him on formula for your sake. He will be fine. He needs a sane and healthy mom much much more than BM.

[Anonymous]

Your entire post is about how difficult breastfeeding has been. BFing is great and all but it should not make you miserable. You have made a valiant effort and if you want to stop now and give him formula, he will be fine and you will be fine.

PS, you say "almost six weeks" and my DS became so much easier right around the six week mark. He finally figured out BFing, started sleeping more, started smiling and giving me something back. I think better days are just around the corner, whether you switch to formula or not. Hang in there - those first few weeks are really brutal.

[Anonymous]

BF mom here. If it's making you miserable, it's not worth it. BF is great, but formula is JUST FINE too. Nothing that drives you crazy is worth it at this stage of new motherhood. Motherhood is simply too big of a transition for one aspect of it to overshadow everything else and cause you ceaseless anxiety. Give yourself a break and formula feed. And don't listen to BF-nazis...there are just as many reasonable BF moms out there.

[Anonymous]

i am really going to piss some people off here by my "lack of support" but here goes ...

i had the SAME problems with my DS, and at 4 weeks, I put him on formula exclusively. we're both much happier!!

you sound just like i did ... like you're looking for validation, that it's OK to stop. it IS OK TO STOP. are there going to be some people who judge you for using formula? sure. but you know what? if you EBF, people judge. if you combo feed (bottle and breast), people judge. no matter WHAT YOU DO, some family members and some other moms will insist on passing judgment. some moms just love to tear other moms down, no matter what their choices. once you realize that, you'll get over the fear of judgment in a hurry.

the only opinion that matters here is yours ... and to some extent, your DC's pediatrician. but beyond that, do what's right for you. and remember, a happy mom who formula feeds is probably a better option at this point than a miserable mom who is breastfeeding. babies DO feel it when you are stressed or unhappy and they will act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

PP here. forgot to mention ... 6-8 weeks seems to be the time when babies are at their fussiest, so even if you do switch to bottles, you may not see an immediate improvement in DC's clinginess/fussiness. that too shall pass!

[Anonymous]

i am really going to piss some people off here by my "lack of support" but here goes ...

i had the SAME problems with my DS, and at 4 weeks, I put him on formula exclusively. we're both much happier!!

you sound just like i did ... like you're looking for validation, that it's OK to stop. it IS OK TO STOP. are there going to be some people who judge you for using formula? sure. but you know what? if you EBF, people judge. if you combo feed (bottle and breast), people judge. no matter WHAT YOU DO, people judge. some moms just love to tear other moms down, no matter what their choices. once you realize that, you'll get over the fear of judgment in a hurry.

the only opinion that matters here is yours ... and to some extent, your DC's pediatrician. but beyond that, do what's right for you. and remember, a happy mom who formula feeds is probably a better option at this point than a miserable mom who is breastfeeding. babies DO feel it when you are stressed or unhappy and they will act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Did you try a nipple shield? Problems with latching will be solved and your nipples get some protection. May also feel like a bottle to him

[Anonymous]

i went through something very similar....my DS, by 6 weeks, had not learned to latch on and, to make matters impossible, my milk dried up. i, too, spent a lot of money at the BF Center. i was exhausted and miserable had to make a decision...continue to pump at all hours, taking time away from holding my DS, or go on formula. really, the decision wasn't even mine to make. i had no milk.

so i agree with the PPs. your DS has gotten the first 6 weeks of BM, which is most important. if you want to switch to formula, you should just do it. it's not an easy decision to make. i still regret that i didn't get to bond with my son over the breast. but i did get so much more! he's 20 months old now and we are very close. plus, he is healthy and thriving, almost never gets colds...never had an earache (and he's in daycare!). BM is great, but formula is NOT poison.

best of luck to you.
signed,
a mom who will never judge another non-BFing mom.

[Anonymous]

The 6-8 week mark can be the hardest. As some PPs have mentioned, formula feeding is okay if you chose to do so. Slings. baby carriers can be great for a clingy baby. For my first DS, I did wear him for most of the day. Get out of the house as much as possible for walks. Get some good music to kind of dance to - i would wear baby #1 and pace/around dance/around to music until he feel asleep and then would cautiously lower myself into a chair so I could eat/sleep etc. Also, if you are on the verge and can afford help, get someone to come in for a couple of hours a day so you can shower, talk a walk outside, take a nap, etc. It does get easier - I promise! And again, if BF is makign you miserable, consider formula. I strongly believe that a happy baby starts with a happy mama.

[Anonymous]

Without addressing the specific breastfeeding issues, here are some survival ideas:

Please tell your friends and family to come back to help. I have been this person for one of my friends. I came with my older baby and toddler in order to hold the baby while the mom sleeps, goes for walks, goes out for lunch, gets a haircut, go to the library for a new book, etc. I would hand the baby back only at nursing times. I did it for 4 days in a row, 9am-3pm, then 1 day a week for a while. Many, many months later, the grateful mom babysat for us in order to return the favor. My feeling is that we moms have to support together!

My mom usually comes back for a second visit around the 6-8 week mark. As she once said "You are still running on that tread mill and running out of steam." It WILL slow down... in about 4 weeks, on the outside.


An old colic survival trick is to get a big black marker, circle the day on the calendar that your baby will turn 12 weeks old and start X'ing out the days. Most every baby comes down by then. Hangs in there!

[Anonymous]

Am PP. Also, if your baby is fussing it could be b/c he has trouble falling to sleep. it took me a while to learn that the cries were not always for junger (and by that time my poor baby was so over-tired). Be persistent, patient and don't be scared by the crying. Of course you want to give comfort, but what I did with DS#1 the first few weeks was to try every trick in the book rather than just focus on one for a long enough stretch. So, with my example of getting some music, this also helped b/c I would tell myself...okay, I will pace for the length of two songs. And then if he is not asleep, I'll move onto to trying something else. He would cry but it gave me a way to pace myself 9and a certain amount of distraction).

Oh, and white noise helped a lot. We ended up using a hairdryer to calm DS#1 down. At night when we knew he could not be hungry, we would swaddle him (do you swaddle, if not, definitely try this as well, the miracle blanket is the best), place him in sling, turn hairdryer on and pace.

[Anonymous]

On the carrier front - at that age my daughter didn't really like the sling and hated my Ergo (which she later grew to love), but LOVED to spend time in the Moby. So don't give up on carriers yet. Get a friend to help you out / loan you one, or go someplace you can try different ones until you figure out something your baby likes. Because once you have something he's happy in, it truly is an absolute sanity saver to have your hands back. Just to be able to get a drink or pee in ease without crying is heaven!

I also agree that those early days, and especially the 6-8 (or even 12) week mark are the worst - baby is super fussy and not really giving you much back. Definitely the 'Fake it 'til you Make it' part of motherhood. But it WILL get better. So so SO much better that in a year you will probably be thinking about doing it all over again (which I know sounds bat-sh*t crazy right now.) Right now it's just about putting one foot in front of another until you eventually get to that happy place.

And don't feel bad or guilty that you're struggling and not enjoy motherhood right now. It's not talked about much, but you are in LOTS of company of Moms who wondered why they thought having kids was a good idea when their little one was a newborn. No shame in not liking this phase of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this by agreeing with the PPs: if you hate and dread breastfeeding, you don't have to continue. No judgment. Lots of women use formula and have perfectly happy, healthy children.

If you want to continue trying to BF, I can tell you I was pretty much exactly where you are. I left the hospital thinking DS and I were the breastfeeding masters, and it was all downhill from there. Bad latch, my nipples were scabby and oh my God so painful. He'd scream and fuss at the breast but happily take a bottle and it was just breaking my heart.

I went and saw everyone's favorite, Pat Shelley, and my appointment ended with me in tears because she basically told me BFing wasn't going to happen for me - because I was preparing to bring the baby home to Ohio for a week to meet the family, then going back to work shortly after - but that maybe I could be "the best pumping mom in town."

But I was determined to give it another shot before my leave ended. I contacted LLL, who were super-supportive and sent me some helpful Kellymom articles. It's going to sound stupid it's so basic, but they all said the same thing - make the breast a no-pressure, happy, comforting place to be. And it's true, I was stressed and feeling all this (totally self-imposed!) pressure to do it, do it, get it right, formula is failure. I was exhausted, I was making myself crazy, and I'm sure that was coming through to the baby.

So while I was back home, I made a concerted effort to relax. The baby got bottles. I'd hold and cuddle him - skin to skin when possible - and just offer him the breast if he showed interest. "Hungry? Want to try? No? Okay." It was like my mantra - no pressure, happy, comforting place to be, no pressure, happy, comforting place to be. And over the course of several days, he started to come around. It took some time, but by the time I went back to work at seven weeks, we were pretty much on track.

And we nursed to 18 months!

[Anonymous]

You know your baby best, but my baby was very fussy, and all of her fussiness wasn't related to bf. There is a lot of fussiness with babies related to other things as well. Gosh, both of my babies always wanted to be held, and neither one of them had problems with weight gain. I think many babies experience that. I agree with everyone's comments about getting help and also relaxing on yourself a bit. I went to lc's galore as well, and it really helped me when one said it was ok to give a bottle or two. It's not an all or nothing thing. I wonder if you could use slower flow nipples though. We used the natural action nipple which I think is actually fast flow, but my babies did like that one exclusively over all the others. Anyway, I'm still bf my 14 month old after lots of initial troubles, and my 3 year old bf now and then as well. The first 8 weeks or so are really tough, and they don't get better all at once, it just slowly improves. I think I spent the first 8 weeks of my 2nd baby's live on the couch as well. Pumping, nursing or getting ready to do one or the other.