Family member “retires” but expects me to pay for all the extra expenses

[Anonymous]

Three years ago my brother decided to retire; ie not work anymore by using money from my father’s estate. When my father died two years ago, the estate went into probate with another family member, so no more money. Since then every time he needs money for an emergency, he asked me for a loan, which I gave him. There was never any repayment. In 2014 my DH became disabled and had to retire. He gets disability and a small pension that we are able to live on with only a few extras. One by one the expenses of life have piled up for my brother. Each time he asks me for more money. We do not have extra money to give. My brother is very angry with me for not giving/ loaning for this current emergency. Every conversation has become about his lack of money. He is not disabled – he just does not want to work. His wife works, but she keep her money separate and uses it for her children from another marriage.
Now that he is mad at me, I realize that he has been asking me for money for years. Has our relationship become I am his enabler and bank? How to repair this relationship?

[Anonymous]

Yes, that's what your relationship has become, and it may not be one you can fix because both people have to want to fix it -- you can't do it on your own. If you haven't done so already, the next time your brother asks you for money, I would lay it out for him directly. "Brother, DH and I have loaned you a lot of money to help you out in the past, but that money has never been repaid and we are no longer in a position to give you money. You know DH was forced to retire a couple of years ago due to his disability, and I find it hurtful that even though you're in a better situation than us with two able-bodied people who can work to support themselves, you still expect us to support you." Then see what he says.

[Anonymous]

When you change your behavior significantly, blowback from the other person is to be expected. So what he's doing is normal and "should" blow over once he gets used to his new reality.

But if he really has an illogical entitlement mentality, it may not heal on its own. I agree with the PP's conversation with him. But I'm not sure how well it will work if your brother is completely unreasonable. I wish you the best, though.

[Anonymous]

Why does your brother think you owe it to him to give him money when his own wife apparently won't? Stand firm, OP. How much have you loaned him so far? How old are both of you? He's being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Just say NO. "I love you, but I'm not your ATM." I can't give you any more money. You need to come up with a new financial plan." And if you are finding that really hard to say, find a therapist who will help you get the skills you need to stand up for yourself. Your brother is using you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say NO. "I love you, but I'm not your ATM." I can't give you any more money. You need to come up with a new financial plan." And if you are finding that really hard to say, find a therapist who will help you get the skills you need to stand up for yourself. Your brother is using you.

OP here. Yes I have overlooked how it has been time after time. Now that we are in a financial bind, I feel like it has been "pay to play" And I also worry about him.

[Anonymous]

Why in the hell is his wife with him?

As others have said, this is tough love, and he needs to learn to fend for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the hell is his wife with him?

As others have said, this is tough love, and he needs to learn to fend for himself.

Green card/ citizenship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why in the hell is his wife with him?

As others have said, this is tough love, and he needs to learn to fend for himself.

Green card/ citizenship.

Are you OP? If so, yikes. Otherwise I would guess she either loves him or has kids with him but recognizes he is lazy and bad with money and therefore chooses to keep her money separate.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine how one may overlook giving money away. We gave a small sum to a relative once. We knew he would not pay back. We hoped he would disappear. He did. But if he didn't, there is no way in hell I wouldn't remember the first time and learn from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three years ago my brother decided to retire; ie not work anymore by using money from my father’s estate. When my father died two years ago, the estate went into probate with another family member, so no more money. Since then every time he needs money for an emergency, he asked me for a loan, which I gave him. There was never any repayment. In 2014 my DH became disabled and had to retire. He gets disability and a small pension that we are able to live on with only a few extras. One by one the expenses of life have piled up for my brother. Each time he asks me for more money. We do not have extra money to give. My brother is very angry with me for not giving/ loaning for this current emergency. Every conversation has become about his lack of money. He is not disabled – he just does not want to work. His wife works, but she keep her money separate and uses it for her children from another marriage.
Now that he is mad at me, I realize that he has been asking me for money for years. Has our relationship become I am his enabler and bank? How to repair this relationship?

Why would you want to?

[Anonymous]

OP, just focus on keeping yourself, and your immediate family, healthy and financially solvent. Accept that you can't control your brother's decisions and try to limit his ability to negatively impact your life.

[Anonymous]

I think you should start asking him to pay back all the money you lent him over the years. Now you need it so its his turn to pay up. It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship left if he keeps asking for money knowing you have none to give, especially since he is perfectly capable of working but chooses not to.

[Anonymous]

I'd cut him off completely. He's just using you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start asking him to pay back all the money you lent him over the years. Now you need it so its his turn to pay up. It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship left if he keeps asking for money knowing you have none to give, especially since he is perfectly capable of working but chooses not to.

+1. Ask him to pay it back OP. You need it now, it's your turn.