Family member “retires” but expects me to pay for all the extra expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start asking him to pay back all the money you lent him over the years. Now you need it so its his turn to pay up. It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship left if he keeps asking for money knowing you have none to give, especially since he is perfectly capable of working but chooses not to.

+1. Ask him to pay it back OP. You need it now, it's your turn.

+2. Don't enable him. His wife is trying not to so everyone else needs to keep their hands in their pockets.

[Anonymous]

Say no. Wife sounds smart to keep things separate.

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry but we will not be able to continue to assist you financially. As you know, XX has become permanently disabled and can no longer work. Due to this, our household income has greatly decreased and we cannot continue to afford to assist you.

Best wishes, your generous sister.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling that only knows my phone number when they need financial help. Other than that I never hear from them. Last call came early November. Lots of crying, lots of woe. When I said I couldn't help, I got hung up on. I could help but I wanted to see the reaction. I'm not surprised in the least.

This family member works, partner works, they have no kids yet are perpetually broke. I'm sorry but we can't financially support two households. If I thought this one was worth the investment, I would gladly help but they aren't worth it. Let's just say if we needed help in a non financial way, I doubt they would care.

No guilt feelings here. It's their loss not mine. The day you decide I'm only a monetary family member is the day I cut you off. Grow up and be an adult, figure your problems out on your own.

[Anonymous]

I'd make these edits

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.

This is awkward, but I was on the brink of requesting that you pay DH and me back the $X,xxx that we have loaned you in recent years. As you know, DH has become permanently disabled and can no longer work. Due to this, our household income has greatly decreased and we cannot continue to afford to assist you. Can we talk about a repayment plan?

Best wishes, your generous sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three years ago my brother decided to retire; ie not work anymore by using money from my father’s estate. When my father died two years ago, the estate went into probate with another family member, so no more money. Since then every time he needs money for an emergency, he asked me for a loan, which I gave him. There was never any repayment. In 2014 my DH became disabled and had to retire. He gets disability and a small pension that we are able to live on with only a few extras. One by one the expenses of life have piled up for my brother. Each time he asks me for more money. We do not have extra money to give. My brother is very angry with me for not giving/ loaning for this current emergency. Every conversation has become about his lack of money. He is not disabled – he just does not want to work. His wife works, but she keep her money separate and uses it for her children from another marriage.
Now that he is mad at me, I realize that he has been asking me for money for years. Has our relationship become I am his enabler and bank? How to repair this relationship?

Your post is a perfect example of why it really isn't necessary to have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Unless the estate went into probate and you, OP, were the family member who inherited the remainder of the estate, I don't know why you would have felt compelled to give your brother any money. You need to cut him off now to help him to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make these edits

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.

This is awkward, but I was on the brink of requesting that you pay DH and me back the $X,xxx that we have loaned you in recent years. As you know, DH has become permanently disabled and can no longer work. Due to this, our household income has greatly decreased and we cannot continue to afford to assist you. Can we talk about a repayment plan?

Best wishes, your generous sister.

+1, when he asks for money, ask when he is going to repay what you already lent him.

[Anonymous]

OP here: If I met my brother as an adult, of course I would hesitate to get involved. But it is family. I thought that he would get a job and move on—that it would be a short period. Instead it has been 3 YEARS, really 5 years since Dad got sick. Now that I can think clearly, having processed my dad’s death and brother’s relationship to dad’s money – he had access, obviously he took a big slice for himself. How else to live for 3 years without working and still have the benefits of middle class life? He does not have a pension/ savings etc. Now the money has run out. (There were several asides/ oblique references to this that I did not understand while dealing with my grief and my DHs decline) It has been a busy 3 years for us, dealing with the financial aspects of a forced retirement.
Every conversations is about how poor he is and how Dad should have left him more. As for the wife – she thought that she married rich – and considering her poverty and no green card, she did. Now she has it, has half of his assets, she and her four kids are exploring other options. Since her teenage DD is now pregnant, citizenship problems are considerably relieved for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: If I met my brother as an adult, of course I would hesitate to get involved. But it is family. I thought that he would get a job and move on—that it would be a short period. Instead it has been 3 YEARS, really 5 years since Dad got sick. Now that I can think clearly, having processed my dad’s death and brother’s relationship to dad’s money – he had access, obviously he took a big slice for himself. How else to live for 3 years without working and still have the benefits of middle class life? He does not have a pension/ savings etc. Now the money has run out. (There were several asides/ oblique references to this that I did not understand while dealing with my grief and my DHs decline) It has been a busy 3 years for us, dealing with the financial aspects of a forced retirement.
Every conversations is about how poor he is and how Dad should have left him more. As for the wife – she thought that she married rich – and considering her poverty and no green card, she did. Now she has it, has half of his assets, she and her four kids are exploring other options. Since her teenage DD is now pregnant, citizenship problems are considerably relieved for her family.

How do you figure DD's pregnancy changes their immigration situation one iota

[Anonymous]

No is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make these edits

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.

This is awkward, but I was on the brink of requesting that you pay DH and me back the $X,xxx that we have loaned you in recent years. As you know, DH has become permanently disabled and can no longer work. Due to this, our household income has greatly decreased and we cannot continue to afford to assist you. Can we talk about a repayment plan?

Best wishes, your generous sister.

+1, when he asks for money, ask when he is going to repay what you already lent him.

How can he expect to repay if he needs to borrow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: If I met my brother as an adult, of course I would hesitate to get involved. But it is family. I thought that he would get a job and move on—that it would be a short period. Instead it has been 3 YEARS, really 5 years since Dad got sick. Now that I can think clearly, having processed my dad’s death and brother’s relationship to dad’s money – he had access, obviously he took a big slice for himself. How else to live for 3 years without working and still have the benefits of middle class life? He does not have a pension/ savings etc. Now the money has run out. (There were several asides/ oblique references to this that I did not understand while dealing with my grief and my DHs decline) It has been a busy 3 years for us, dealing with the financial aspects of a forced retirement.
Every conversations is about how poor he is and how Dad should have left him more. As for the wife – she thought that she married rich – and considering her poverty and no green card, she did. Now she has it, has half of his assets, she and her four kids are exploring other options. Since her teenage DD is now pregnant, citizenship problems are considerably relieved for her family.

How do you figure DD's pregnancy changes their immigration situation one iota

anchor baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: If I met my brother as an adult, of course I would hesitate to get involved. But it is family. I thought that he would get a job and move on—that it would be a short period. Instead it has been 3 YEARS, really 5 years since Dad got sick. Now that I can think clearly, having processed my dad’s death and brother’s relationship to dad’s money – he had access, obviously he took a big slice for himself. How else to live for 3 years without working and still have the benefits of middle class life? He does not have a pension/ savings etc. Now the money has run out. (There were several asides/ oblique references to this that I did not understand while dealing with my grief and my DHs decline) It has been a busy 3 years for us, dealing with the financial aspects of a forced retirement.
Every conversations is about how poor he is and how Dad should have left him more. As for the wife – she thought that she married rich – and considering her poverty and no green card, she did. Now she has it, has half of his assets, she and her four kids are exploring other options. Since her teenage DD is now pregnant, citizenship problems are considerably relieved for her family.

How do you figure DD's pregnancy changes their immigration situation one iota

anchor baby

That's not a real thing, hopefully just you, and not both you and SIL, fell for that myth

[Anonymous]

Next time he calls start up with a sob story yourself. Ask HIM for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make these edits

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties.

This is awkward, but I was on the brink of requesting that you pay DH and me back the $X,xxx that we have loaned you in recent years. As you know, DH has become permanently disabled and can no longer work. Due to this, our household income has greatly decreased and we cannot continue to afford to assist you. Can we talk about a repayment plan?

Best wishes, your generous sister.

+1, when he asks for money, ask when he is going to repay what you already lent him.

Another in agreement. This is a well worded email which should help him get the big picture.