Did you figure out you were a lesbian later in life?

[Anonymous]

What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

[Anonymous]

Lots of people come out later in life. Not unusual, esp for the over 35 set. Google and you'll find lots of info, support groups etc. Some communities have parenting groups too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

I don't get it OP - what do you mean by relationship? And were you ever attracted to your husband?

Lesbian implies ONLY women, in which case the 'questioning everything' could make sense, though it's hard to imagine you had repressed these feelings so far that this would come as a complete shock. if you were attracted to your husband/other men, then any same sex attraction - even a very powerful one - is really no different than any other extramarital attraction, and you treat it as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

I don't get it OP - what do you mean by relationship? And were you ever attracted to your husband?

Lesbian implies ONLY women, in which case the 'questioning everything' could make sense, though it's hard to imagine you had repressed these feelings so far that this would come as a complete shock. if you were attracted to your husband/other men, then any same sex attraction - even a very powerful one - is really no different than any other extramarital attraction, and you treat it as such.

This reads a bit harsh. And I disagree that it's hard to imagine figuring get it out now, and I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.

Op, I've heard there's a spectrum of sexuality, and that most people, even people in same sex relationships, are not at the far end of the spectrum. In other words, just because you like women doesn't mean you can't like men too. Maybe you just lost attraction to DH, which I can relate to. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

I don't get it OP - what do you mean by relationship? And were you ever attracted to your husband?

Lesbian implies ONLY women, in which case the 'questioning everything' could make sense, though it's hard to imagine you had repressed these feelings so far that this would come as a complete shock. if you were attracted to your husband/other men, then any same sex attraction - even a very powerful one - is really no different than any other extramarital attraction, and you treat it as such.

This reads a bit harsh. And I disagree that it's hard to imagine figuring get it out now, and I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.

Op, I've heard there's a spectrum of sexuality, and that most people, even people in same sex relationships, are not at the far end of the spectrum. In other words, just because you like women doesn't mean you can't like men too. Maybe you just lost attraction to DH, which I can relate to. Just my two cents.

I'm the PP. How is this so harsh? I was asking an honest question, and I think it's important to be honest with yourself. Plus current events color our own recollections. I identify as straight but could imagine a scenario where I fall for a woman and feel a passion for her that I don't currently feel for my spouse, and thinking that meant I was a lesbian. However in doing so I would conveniently be forgetting the chemistry I had with my husband when we first met, so thi s wouldn't make me gay, but perhaps further along the spectrum than I had realized.

As for whether an affair with a man or woman is materially different, I think we are culturally primed to assess it as you have, but I also don't think it really matters what we or society thinks - what matters is what OP and the person she is married to think. We can talk about 'men' and 'women', but ultimately any marriage is between 2 individuals, and is gender is really only one small facet of the myriad characteristics that define a person.

Thus as presented OP really has 2 entirely separate issues. 1 is that she is experiencing a same sex attraction and this is causing her to question who she is. The 2nd is that she is attracted to someone outside her marriage, and for part 2 the gender really doesn't matter unless it materially impacts her husbands opinion about what behavior is or is not acceptable in their particular marriage,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.
.

I hope you realize your opinion has no basis in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.
.

I hope you realize your opinion has no basis in fact.

New poster here. That plus I can't imagine any woman ever saying, "oh, DH had an affair with another man, it really was far less bad than an affair with another woman."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.
.

I hope you realize your opinion has no basis in fact.

New poster here. That plus I can't imagine any woman ever saying, "oh, DH had an affair with another man, it really was far less bad than an affair with another woman."

Right?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

Maybe you were a lesbian all along and maybe you weren't. Women's sexuality is much less rigid and fixed than men's sexuality. Women who are straight their whole lives fall in love with a woman or find a sudden attraction to women. Women who are lesbian their whole life fall in love with a man or find a sudden attraction to men. It shifts sometimes. I wouldn't take your new found attractions as signs that your "whole life" was wrong. Maybe you just changed.

I am 90% straight, but have had occasional relationships with women. What you are describing happens with women. (Not so much with me. They seem to have sexual identities that remain much more fixed.)

You have the same decision to make as anyone who has had an affair. Do you love your spouse? Can you stay with your spouse and be happy and make them happy? How do you do that? Would it be better to pull the plug on the marriage and get a divorce as quickly and cleanly as possible? How will it affect your kids?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

Maybe you were a lesbian all along and maybe you weren't. Women's sexuality is much less rigid and fixed than men's sexuality. Women who are straight their whole lives fall in love with a woman or find a sudden attraction to women. Women who are lesbian their whole life fall in love with a man or find a sudden attraction to men. It shifts sometimes. I wouldn't take your new found attractions as signs that your "whole life" was wrong. Maybe you just changed.

I am 90% straight, but have had occasional relationships with women. What you are describing happens with women. (Not so much with me. They seem to have sexual identities that remain much more fixed.)

You have the same decision to make as anyone who has had an affair. Do you love your spouse? Can you stay with your spouse and be happy and make them happy? How do you do that? Would it be better to pull the plug on the marriage and get a divorce as quickly and cleanly as possible? How will it affect your kids?

Good luck.

"with me" = "with men"

[Anonymous]

OP, are you currently working through a repressed trauma?

There's usually a trigger of some sort when someone suddenly comes to the conclusion "A-HA I'm gay!" after 30-40+ years of attraction to the opposite gender. It's one thing to be in the closet, but you were not previously aware of your orientation.

[Anonymous]

10:06, men's sexuality is probably not more fixed. It's societal issues that prevent them from exploring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened? How did you realize it? How did it affect your current life?

I'm currently a women married to a man, with children
Thinking I might be gay after a recent relationship. Not sure how to proceed, not sure how to deal with this, I'm questioning my whole life

Maybe you were a lesbian all along and maybe you weren't. Women's sexuality is much less rigid and fixed than men's sexuality. Women who are straight their whole lives fall in love with a woman or find a sudden attraction to women. Women who are lesbian their whole life fall in love with a man or find a sudden attraction to men. It shifts sometimes. I wouldn't take your new found attractions as signs that your "whole life" was wrong. Maybe you just changed.

I am 90% straight, but have had occasional relationships with women. What you are describing happens with women. (Not so much with me. They seem to have sexual identities that remain much more fixed.)

You have the same decision to make as anyone who has had an affair. Do you love your spouse? Can you stay with your spouse and be happy and make them happy? How do you do that? Would it be better to pull the plug on the marriage and get a divorce as quickly and cleanly as possible? How will it affect your kids?

Good luck.

+1, this is so spot on.

I am pretty far to the heterosexual side of the spectrum but I've definitely felt sexual and romantic attraction to women. It doesn't negate the sexual and romantic attraction I've felt towards men or my relationships. PP is right, the bigger issue is the affair unless you truly believe you are only attracted to women, not men.

[Anonymous]

I don't have the data to back this up - but from personal experience and a lot of reading I would say that your marriage is irrevocably doomed. Tell your husband you want a divorce and move on .....set him and your children free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I disagree that hooking up with a girl or woman is exactly like having an affair with a man. It's much less bad in my opinion.
.

I hope you realize your opinion has no basis in fact.

New poster here. That plus I can't imagine any woman ever saying, "oh, DH had an affair with another man, it really was far less bad than an affair with another woman."

Right?!

Lesbians are hot.

It comes down to the couples' boundaries. For my part, I'd be fairly pissed if my wife had an affair with another woman, but far less upset than if she had an affair with a man.