Boyfriend may (not?) be leaving country , return unknown
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Anonymous
warning - long; summary at the bottom.... Please help 
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We are both very happy (as far as I can tell) and have talked about long term plans. He just finished a masters and is from out of the country, and his visa requires him to leave for 2 years. He may be able to put this off for the upcoming semester as he was offered a research position for spring; he is also applying for a Ph.D. In his field, and I don't know what his odds are but hopefully high (he is hopeful - STEM field). Despite his research offer, he has thus far been unable to receive a visa extension- he has submitted everything, but has 2 sponsors and the whole process is frustrating. They respond occasionally on their schedule and we currently don't know if he will return home in 3 weeks or not. There are others in his program in this situation; all still waiting, all in limbo. This research extension is somewhat of a new development, in the past few months, and I have struggled a lot in our relationship regarding the unknown. Sometimes I just break down and cry and feel hopeless. I've talked to him about my worries and sadness. He acknowledges my feelings and lets me cry and talks about ways we'll manage it. He says well make it work; he's not concerned; he'll get another tourist visa and is very hopeful about the Ph.D. Program (he already does research within the department and things have been going well). When faced with the idea of him leaving sometimes I just fall apart. Another thing is that i am adjusting to a new job and don't enjoy it and am facing a lot of stress and anxiety from it. There is also extreme anxiety from this situation, because I don't know if he'll be leaving, or when, or whether he'll be able to stay here for the phd . I have a lot of anxiety in general, and I think it's gotten worse through job troubles. I was seeing a therapist, but it was difficult with scheduling and then I was injured and had to begin PT twice per week, and stopped going. I think I should restart and find one with a more convenient location. I am looking for advice on this situation and especially ways to deal with the distance, as we have decided we want to stay together. What did you do to make a LDR work? To try to stay positive? I love this man. I really feel like this could be it but I don't know how to beat the distance, and I know I have to, if we are going to try. TL;DR: Boyfriend may be moving out of the country (12 hour flight), status Unknown, having trouble processing emotions / coming to terms with it ; also seeking help as to how to build a LDR as this is what we've both stated we want. What things can I do to focus on the positive? |
Anonymous
| Is marriage definitely out of the question right now? |
Anonymous
| You need to work on your anxiety issues, independent of whether he stays or goes. You can't rely on him for your happiness, though I understand why the question marks about your future is making you anxious. You should get back into therapy and work on learning to cope with your new job and all of your other anxieties. I feel like you are using this relationship as a crutch right now because you are unable to face the rest of the issues going on in your life. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| This EXACT thread has been posted before - during the Summer, no? |
Anonymous
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Move.
Seriously, move to his country. You say he is from another country, so before you ever get to the point of deciding "is he the one" you need to decide "is his country some place I could live?" In many cross-border relationships the move issue does come up, far more than you would expect. While he might want to move to the USA, in 5-10-15 years when his parents are ill and he is needed 'back home' he may feel the urge to return. Will you go with him then? Why not try it out now? |
Anonymous
OP here. Honestly, I probably would marry him, but that doesn't help the visa issue - he has to leave for two years because his country sponsored his education, at a high cost that is not realistic to pay back. |
Anonymous
I did post a thread this summer (I think summer?) about my friend who was not helpful in regards to this situation and said some hurtful things. I do not remember posting specifically about our relationship for advice, but perhaps they were intertwined. In the summer I just thought he was leaving in January. Now he may be staying for the spring (but i don't know), and may be returning for years for a phd (but I don't know). So all of this is new and extraordinarily difficult for me. I feel like I'm not in control of my life and basically like I'm on an emotional roller coaster that's throwing me around and I can't get off. |
Anonymous
| Tell us the country, and we will tell you what to do. |
Anonymous
This may give me away, but I don't think I know many people on this site- the country is Brazil. I speak Spanish pretty well, but find Portugese pretty difficult (in terms of living there - I have thought about it) |
Anonymous
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LDR are pretty these days with so much technology, you can stay connected pretty easily and Skype or Facetime, send texts all day, share photos, etc. If you know it's a limited time like two years, you just deal with it one day at a time. Maybe come up with a schedule you'll follow for visiting each other each three months, if he can't come back here maybe you can each meet somewhere halfway. If it's meant to work out it will.
In the meantime, work on your own issues and develop a happy full life on your own, without him. You'll be a better partner that way anyway. |
Anonymous
Do you think he could remain faithful? Long distance, well-educated Brazilian male, ayayayay! |
Anonymous
Terrible advice. That will not work. I would move on if you or he can't commit now. |
Anonymous
| I've had two LTRs. We both started dating other people shortly afterward. Men need sex on a regular basis. If they are remotely attractive, they will find that person to take care of that need, no matter how much they miss you. Its just how they are wired. |
Anonymous
I do think so. He's attractive but kind of introverted and nerdy. Of course I can't know, but things are going so well and I just feel like I have to trust it right now. He does keep talking about how he won't be gone long; getting another visa, so it's not like the plan is 2 years and barely seeing each other .... It's just so up in the air that's what worries me. -OP |