Reply to Vacation time/money/extended family issues (really about relationships with in-laws.)

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[quote=Anonymous]I think I need some objective outsider views, since I am neither objective or an outsider.
Critical facts;
Family has 4  children- ranging in age from 4-7.  Traveling by air is extremely challenging (although probably getting easier- we have not attempted it for a while.)
DH is extremely close to his Grandparents, who are both still alive.  They are aging and not in great health.  They live (along with much of DH's extended family) on the west coast, in a town with an airport, but no direct flights from DC.  So family can either fly direct and drive a few hours, or switch planes and fly directly into Grandparent's town.  There are lots of appealing things to do within a few hours of Grandparents which allows for immediate family to also do a family vacation with a visit.
DW has two living grandparents.  She is not close to them, and is not at all interested in seeing them.  Her Grandparents also are not interested in seeing the Grandchildren.  Family had planned a visit to one Grandparent for a milestone birthday in the last year, but ended up being dis-invited from attending the celebration (they decided to make it an adults only affair) so did not go.
DW's parents are divorced and live in separate remote locations.  DW's mother moved to her remote location within the last few years, there is no family there.  She chose to retire there of her own volition (ie no job change, etc.)  Family has never gone to visit DW mother since they had children (couple did visit pre-children when DW mother lived in a different location.)   In order for family to get to visit DW's mother, they would need to change planes and fly into a small airport with limited flights, then rent a car and drive for 1.5 hours- to get a direct flight would be an 6 hour drive.   DW does not drive b/c of a medical condition.    DW mother will not travel because of her dog.  She has met her grandchildren on one occasion.   She frequently complains that she does not have a relationship with her grandchildren.  She has an immaculate house with a lot of valuable antiques.  Her house and possessions are very important to her, and the appearance of her house is very important to her.
3 years ago the Family traveled to see DH's Grandparents for a milestone birthday with a large family event.  They also did a family vacation at the time.  DW's mother was furious that the family would travel to see DH's Grandparents, but not to see her.  She repeatedly called on the family vacation and guilt tripped DW about being a bad daughter.  
Last year, DH told DW that there was another milestone event coming up for his Grandparents, and that he wanted to take the family to it.  He told DW that if she thought family had to go to her mother's house, this was the summer to go.  She declined, said it was to much effort and would not be enjoyable.  She did not communicate this decision to her mother.
The celebration of the milestone event has been cancelled due to DH Grandparents failing health.   He still wants to take the family to see his grandparents one last time and would also do a family vacation.  DW has mixed feelings, but is mostly worried about the reaction from her mother if they go see DH's Grandparents again.  
Realistically, family cannot afford the time or money to do two trips this year.
I would be interested in any advice anyone had about navigating this situation.  We are not looking to cast blame on anyone, but rather to work things out amicably.  [/quote]

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