Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them

[Anonymous]

So there is a lot wrong with my relationship with my in laws. We live very far apart. We have very different world views and not much in common. I think they favor the grandkids who live closer. I think my BIL/SIL are selfish and willing to make no compromises for cousins to have relationships. And so on.

I've been biting my tongue and dealing with it all for a while for the sake of my kids and their relationships with these people, but it's been eating me up inside and frankly, harming my relationship with my husband. As a result, recently I brought up these feelings with my MIL/FIL (not with the BIL/SIL), realizing it likely wouldn't change much but hoping it would at least make me feel better. It didn't. I still have so much anger and resentment.

At this point, I'm at a loss. I need to find a way to not stew about this for my own mental sanity. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.

*kind

[Anonymous]

I spend too much time like yourself worrying over my inlaws. It's become quite the load to carry around. I think you have to let this go. It will only drive you crazy otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend too much time like yourself worrying over my inlaws. It's become quite the load to carry around. I think you have to let this go. It will only drive you crazy otherwise.

OP here. Totally agree. 100%. I need and want to let it go. My issue is that I can't figure out how to actually do that. Any advice welcome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spend too much time like yourself worrying over my inlaws. It's become quite the load to carry around. I think you have to let this go. It will only drive you crazy otherwise.

OP here. Totally agree. 100%. I need and want to let it go. My issue is that I can't figure out how to actually do that. Any advice welcome!

I wish I could give you advice but I don't have any nuggets to pass along. My inlaws are good people but they aren't perfect and they sometimes drive me nuts. It takes me much more time to forgive them than it does my own family and I'm not proud of that. I like the title of your thread because that's all you can do. Is change you...your expectations and the way you respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.

Then let your husband take the lead: phone calls, e-mails, logisitcs/planning/calendaring, etc. If he's taking the lead, and is the one in direct contact with his family, then you won't take it quite as personally when plans don't materalize or go the way you want him to go. Then, he'll be able to directly see and respond to "bad" behavior on their part, and you won't be a middle man/party to it. Of course he still may talk to you about frustrations, but you'll be helping him manage HIS frustrations rather than adding your own, direct frustrations to the pile.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are a very caring person who wants what's best for your family, but it also sounds like you like to be in control, and that just can't always happen. I really think if you ease up a bit and let him take the lead, the dynamic might shift--even if it's just in your head/heart--and you may be able to get some relief/a new perspective. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.

Then let your husband take the lead: phone calls, e-mails, logisitcs/planning/calendaring, etc. If he's taking the lead, and is the one in direct contact with his family, then you won't take it quite as personally when plans don't materalize or go the way you want him to go. Then, he'll be able to directly see and respond to "bad" behavior on their part, and you won't be a middle man/party to it. Of course he still may talk to you about frustrations, but you'll be helping him manage HIS frustrations rather than adding your own, direct frustrations to the pile.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are a very caring person who wants what's best for your family, but it also sounds like you like to be in control, and that just can't always happen. I really think if you ease up a bit and let him take the lead, the dynamic might shift--even if it's just in your head/heart--and you may be able to get some relief/a new perspective. Good luck!

OP here. Thanks! I am trying this. Not arranging or even usually participating in the phone calls / Skype dates, letting my husband do holiday shopping for them, letting my husband take the kids to visit without me, etc. I'm still resentful though, but admittedly, I haven't been letting my husband take the lead very long yet. Maybe just need more time? Fingers crossed.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ your feelings aren't paramount. Are they as cordial and as polite to you as they would be to a neighbor? A stranger? They don't owe you anything. Get your emotional needs met somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op ~ your feelings aren't paramount. Are they as cordial and as polite to you as they would be to a neighbor? A stranger? They don't owe you anything. Get your emotional needs met somewhere else.

This seems harsh. In-laws shouldn't and usually don't treat their DILs like neighbors or strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.

Then let your husband take the lead: phone calls, e-mails, logisitcs/planning/calendaring, etc. If he's taking the lead, and is the one in direct contact with his family, then you won't take it quite as personally when plans don't materalize or go the way you want him to go. Then, he'll be able to directly see and respond to "bad" behavior on their part, and you won't be a middle man/party to it. Of course he still may talk to you about frustrations, but you'll be helping him manage HIS frustrations rather than adding your own, direct frustrations to the pile.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are a very caring person who wants what's best for your family, but it also sounds like you like to be in control, and that just can't always happen. I really think if you ease up a bit and let him take the lead, the dynamic might shift--even if it's just in your head/heart--and you may be able to get some relief/a new perspective. Good luck!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op ~ your feelings aren't paramount. Are they as cordial and as polite to you as they would be to a neighbor? A stranger? They don't owe you anything. Get your emotional needs met somewhere else.

There's a middle ground between the cordiality one gives to strangers and foisting emotional needs on someone. You sound like you struggle with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op ~ your feelings aren't paramount. Are they as cordial and as polite to you as they would be to a neighbor? A stranger? They don't owe you anything. Get your emotional needs met somewhere else.

There's a middle ground between the cordiality one gives to strangers and foisting emotional needs on someone. You sound like you struggle with boundaries.

OP, some good advice in this thread. If you really do want to change, I think you need to honestly as yourself (and maybe your husband): "Do I have realistic expectations of this family dynamic?" You may have dreams of a perfect family that are unrealistic. Or, you may have expectatinos of controlling/orchestrating/creating family dynamics for essentially someone else's family that you don't have a right to expect. I'm just saying, ask yourself.

How is your relationship with your own family?

I'm really not trying to be harsh. Take care and happy holidays! I hope all works out for you.

[Anonymous]

It will take time, OP, but you are on the right track!

Stay the course.