Reply to Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.

You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.

You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.
[/quote]

Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his. [/quote]

Then let your husband take the lead: phone calls, e-mails, logisitcs/planning/calendaring, etc. If he's taking the lead, and is the one in direct contact with his family, then you won't take it quite as personally when plans don't materalize or go the way you want him to go. Then, he'll be able to directly see and respond to "bad" behavior on their part, and you won't be a middle man/party to it. Of course he still may talk to you about frustrations, but you'll be helping him manage HIS frustrations rather than adding your own, direct frustrations to the pile.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are a very caring person who wants what's best for your family, but it also sounds like you like to be in control, and that just can't always happen. I really think if you ease up a bit and let him take the lead, the dynamic might shift--even if it's just in your head/heart--and you may be able to get some relief/a new perspective. Good luck![/quote]

OP here. Thanks! I am trying this. Not arranging or even usually participating in the phone calls / Skype dates, letting my husband do holiday shopping for them, letting my husband take the kids to visit without me, etc. I'm still resentful though, but admittedly, I haven't been letting my husband take the lead very long yet. Maybe just need more time? Fingers crossed.[/quote]

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